Last Added Jokes

Ears

My boss called me into his office: “Why do i hear you talking when there is still work to be done”
He shouted … I said: “Because you have ears.”

How was school today?

Mother, “How was school today, Patrick?”
Patrick, “It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!”
Mother, “Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?”
Patrick, “What school?”

Pig Farmer

A city slicker went to the country to buy a pig. When he approached the pig farmer, he asked for a 25-pound pig. The pig farmer put the pig's tail in his mouth and bobbed his head up and down. He then told the city slicker that the pig was too heavy -- it was 30 pounds. The city slicker told the farmer he didn't believe that was the way to weigh pigs. The farmer called his son over and asked him to weigh the pig. The son put the pig's tail in his mouth, bobbed his head a couple of times and said the pig weighed 30 pounds. The city slicker said the farmer and his son were putting him on. The farmer told his son to go get his mother and have her come out and weigh the pig. The son went into the house and after a few minutes came out again.

"Mom's weighing the mailman."

Kangaphant

What do you get when you cross an elephant and kangaroo together? 

Giant holes all over Africa!

10 reasons why latinos can't be terrorist

10. 8:45am is too early for us to be up. 
9. We are always late, we would have missed all 4 flights. 
8. Pretty people on the plane distract us. 
7. We would talk loudly and bring attention to ourselves. 
6. Food and drinks were on the plane. 
5. We talk with our hands, we would have put our weapons down. 
4. We would all want to fly the plane. 
3. We would argue and start a fight in the plane. 
2. We would have told everyone a week before doing it. 
1. We would have put our countries flag on the windshield. 

Blonde in a boat

There was a blonde driving down the road one day. She glanced to her right and noticed another blonde sitting in a nearby field. She was in a boat rowing, with no water in sight. The blonde angrily pulled her car over and yelled at the rowing blonde, What do you think you're doing? It's things like this that give us blondes a bad name. If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your butt!

Insurance salesman

A man walks into an insurance office and asks for a job.
"Sorry, we don't need anyone..." they replied.
"You can't afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone anything anytime!"
"Well, we have two prospects that no one has been able to sell. If you can sell just one, then you have a job."
He was gone about two hours and returned and handed them two checks, one for $25,000 and another for $50,000.
"How in the world did you do that?" they asked.
"I told you I'm the worlds best salesman, I can sell anyone anything, anytime!"
"Did you get a urine sample?" they asked him.
"What's that?" he asked.
"Well, if you sell a policy over $20,000 the company requires a urine sample. Now take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples."
He was gone about 8 hours and the office was about to close, when in he walks in with two five gallon buckets, one in each hand. He sets the buckets down and reaches in his shirt pocket and produces two bottles of urine and sets them on the desk and says, "Here's Mr. Jone's and this one is Mrs. Johnson's."
"That's good," they said, "but what's in those two buckets?"
"Well, I passed by the school house and they were having a state teachers convention -
so I stopped and sold them a group policy!"