Last Added Jokes

TOP TWENTY REASONS WHY CHOCOLATE IS BETTER THAN SEX

TOP TWENTY REASONS WHY CHOCOLATE IS BETTER THAN SEX

1. You can GET chocolate.
2. "If you love me, you'll swallow" has real meaning with chocolate.
3. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
4. You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
5. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
6. You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
7. If you bite the nuts too hard, the chocolate won't mind.
8. 2 people of the same sex can have chocolate together without being called nasty names.
9. The word 'commitment' doesn't scare off chocolate.
10. You can have chocolate on top of your desk during working hours without upsetting your workmates.
11. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
12. You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
13. With chocolate, there's no need to fake it.
14. Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
15. You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
16. Good chocolate is easy to find.
17. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
18. You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
19. When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.
20. With chocolate size doesn't matter; it's always good.

A few Shorties

What do you call an advanced degree in sensationalistic journalism?
A doctor-it degree.

What's the difference between a well-brushed equine and rapid teaching?
A well-brushed equine is a curried horse while rapid teaching makes for a hurried course.

What do you get for a friend who is graduating from Law School?
A Lobotomy.

Late final

It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the local university. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 700 students in the class!

The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. 1/2 hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.

"You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet.

"Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing. After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing. 1/2 hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.

"No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late."

The student looked incredulous and angry.

"Do you know WHO I am?"

"No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his voice.

"DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" the student asked again.

"No, and I don't care." replied the professor with an air of superiority.

"Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.

The Plan

In the beginning was the Plan.
And then came the Assumptions.
And the Assumptions were without form.
And the Plan was without substance.
And darkness was upon the face of the Workers.
And they spoke among themselves, saying, "It is a crock of sh*t, and it stinks."
And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said, "It is a pail of dung, and we can't live with the smell.
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying, "It is the container of the excrements, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it."
And the Mangers went unto their Directors, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength."
And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying to one another, "It promotes growth, and it is very powerful."
And the Vice Presidents went to the President, saying unto him, "This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the company with very powerful effects."
And the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good.
And the Plan became Policy.
And that is how sh*t happens.

Yo Mamma So Nasty

YO MOMMA'S SO NASTY...

she hasta put ice down her drawers to keep the crabs fresh. 

she brings crabs TO the beach.

she pours salt water in her pants to keep her crabs fresh.

she made Speed Stick slow down.

she made the right guard turn left.

the fishery pay here to leave.

her shit is glad to escape.

Ozzie Ozboure refused to bite her head off.

my brother called her for phone sex and she gave him an ear infection.

Yo Mamma Like

YO MOMMA LIKE...

potato chips--Fri-to Lay.

a screen door, after a couple bangs, she tends to loosen up.

the pillsbury doughboy - everyone gets a poke.

a doorknob, everybody gets a turn.

a bus, 50 cents and she ready to ride.

a golf course, everyone gets a hole in one.

the railway system, she gets laid all over the country.

a tomato sauce bottle, everyone get a squeeze outta her.

a shotgun, one cock and she blows.

a hardware store, 4 cents a screw.

a Dimino's pizza, somethin' for nothin'.

a refrigerador, everyone likes to put their meat in her.

cake mix, 15 servings per package.

a rifle, four cocks and she's full.

a bowoling ball, she picked up, fingered, then thrown in the gutter.

a bus, guys climb on and off her all day.

a Toyota, "Oh, what a feelin'!"

Orange Crush crush, "Good vibrations."

a bubble-gum machine, 25 cents a blow.

chinese food, sweet sour, and cheap.

a vacuum cleaner, a real good suck.

Yo Mamma So Dumb

YO MOMMA'S SO DUMB...

she thought an "E" on your report card meant excellent and an "F" meant fantastic! 

she thinks 2+2=22

she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

she thought a quarterback was a refund.

she tried to M&M;'s in alphabetical order.

she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.

she thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.

she thought General Motors was in the army.

she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.

she thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.

under "education" on her jop application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."

she tried to drown a fish.

she tripped over a cordless phone.

she spent 20 minutes looking at an orange juice container because it said "Concentrate."

she got stabbed in a shoot-out.

she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."

she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

they had to burn the school down to get her outta 3rd grade.

at the bottom of the applicatione where it says "sign here", she wrote "Sagittarius."

she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

it takes her two hours to watch "60 minutes."

if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.

she studied for a blood test - and failed.

she thought she needed proper change to get on the "Soul Train."

she sold her car for gas money.

when she saw the "NC-17, under 17 not admitted", she went home and got 16 friends.

when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

she thinks Taco Bell is a Mexican phone company.

when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.

I said it was chilly outside and she went to get a bowl.

she crashed (her car) into a parked car.

she told everyone she was "illegitiment" because she couldn't read.

she puts lipstick on her head to make up her mind.

she bought a solor-powered flashlight.

she took a cup when she went to see Juice.

she asked me wha number for 911 was.

she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

when she read on her job application "DO NOT WRITE BELOW THE DOTTED LINE," she wrote, "O.K."

she stole free bread.

she took a spoon to the Super Bowl.

she called Dan Quayle for a spell check (?)

she stepped on a crack and broke her own back.

she makes Beavis and Butthead look like Nobel Prize winners.

when asked on an application, "Sex?" she marked, "M, F, and sometimes wednesday, too."

when you stand next to her, you can hear the ocean.

she thinks Fleetwood Mac is a new hambuger at McDonald's.

she sits on the TV and watches the couch.

she bought a videocamera to record cable TV shows at home.

she jumped out of a window and went up.

she took an umbrella to see "Purple Rain"

she watches "The Three Stooges" and takes notes.