M.Y.A.S.S

M.Y.A.S.S

This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be Year 2000 compliant. known as:

“Millennia Year Application Software System” (MYASS).

Next Monday there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a
good look at MYASS. We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands.

Some employees have begun using the program already. This morning I walked into a subordinate’s office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS. Some of the less technical people may be somewhat afraid of MYASS. Last week my secretary said to me, “I’m a little nervous, I never put anything in MYASS before.” I helped her through the first time and afterward she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again, and was even ready to kiss MYASS. There have been concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS.

This database will encompass all information associated with the business. As you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want in MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace for a supervisor to hand work to an employee and say, “here, stick this in MYASS.”

Related Jokes

Software Upgrade

Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. and now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?
Desperate
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Dear Desperate:
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package,while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command: C:/I THOUGH! T YOU LOVED ME and download Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0.If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snoring Loudly. WAV files. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program.
These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck,
Tech! Support

Signs Your Co-Worker Is a Hacker

– Everyone who ticks him or her off gets a $26,000 phone bill.

– Has won the Publisher’s Clearing House Sweepstakes three years running.

– When asked for their phone number, they give it in hex.

– Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.

– Somehow gets HBO on their PC at work.

– Mumbled, “Oh, puh-leeeez!” 295 times during the movie “The Net.”

– Massive 401k contribution made in half-cent increments.

– Their video dating profile lists “public-key encryption” among turn-ons.

– Instead of the “Welcome” voice on AOL, you overhear, “Good Morning, Mr./Ms. President.”

– You hear them murmur, “Let’s see you use that VISA card now, Professor “I-Don’t-Give-A’s-In-Computer-Science!”

OS Knights

In the realm of the Mighty King Gates who has pulled the sword from the stone and slaughtered everyone with it, comes the knights of the MS Table:

Sir DOS: Plain complexion and no armor. Rides very stably on his mare. He very rarely falls, but knows only the most basic combat tactics and is very difficult to talk to, since he speaks and understands no more than eight-letter words. King Gates plots to murder him.

Sir Windows 1.0: Sir DOS’s twin brother with a bad toupee. He falls off his horse quite frequently and knows no more than Sir DOS. Just as difficult to communicate with due to his obsession with eight-letter words. He was killed in his first battle. King Gates pretends this one never existed.

Sir Windows 3.x: Sir Windows 1.0’s best friend. He is a wee bit more stable on his horse than Sir Windows 1.0, yet not as good as Sir DOS. He’s got some really neat designs on his shield but still does not know much more than Sir DOS. Sir Windows 3.x has yet to overcome his devotion to eight-letter words. King Gates is always asking, ‘Why can’t you be more like that nice Sir Windows95?’

Sir Windows95: Sir Windows 3.x’s Brother. He’s got the same designs on his shield, but his armor is very shiny. Knows advanced combat skills, but never really puts them to use. Not confined to eight- letter words anymore, but it depends who he’s talking to. Claims to be able to converse with many people at once, but if he tries to coverse with too many, he’ll fall right off his horse and land on top of somebody. King Gates is proud of this one.

Sir Windows NT: Sir Windows95’s tough-guy uncle. He’s got duller designs on his shield, but the same shiny armor. His armor is virtually impenetrable, but a pain to get into and impossible to get out of — all he can do is add more layers. Falls off his horse every once in a while, and everyone else goes right with him. Can converse with many people at once without falling off. He knows advanced combat skills and uses them when necessary. Has the same problems with eight-letter words as Sir Windows95. This is King Gates’ favorite thing to show off. Now we leave the realm of the Mighty King Gates and find the wandering swordsman of the land:

Sir UNIX: Does not do battle and wears only chain mail. He finds all the information he can and his only goal is to distribute it to others who ask. Knows games and will play them, but likes work better. King Gates has sent Sir Windows NT out to kill and mutilate this knight.

Sir MAC OS: Started the fad of the shiny armor and claims the knights of the realm of King Gates stole his ideas. Lately his popularity has declined. And recently he has made an alliance with King Gates. He does not know any useful battle skills and will tell you only what he thinks you should know. The good thing about him is that he has no problem with long words.

Sir OS/2: Spied on Sir Windows 3.x and Sir Windows95 and copied them. He was popular for a time, but now many refuse to acknowledge his exsitstence. There is a rumor that he has a son named Warp.

King Gates reigns high over all that is his and destroys or consumes all that is not. And these are the OS Knights.

Not long enough!

A woman is helping her computer illiterate husband set up his computer. She instructs him to choose and enter a password he wants to use, when logging on.

The husband, in a rather amorous mood, figures he will try for a shock effect to bring his mood to his wife’s attention. So when the computer asks him to enter his password, he makes it plainly obvious to his wife that he is keying in the word, “PENIS”.

His wife nearly falls off the he chair from laughing so hard, when the computer replies:

**PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH. ***

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