No Foul Play Here! Hilarious Puns and One-Liners for Sports Fans

The Super Bowl Ticket

A guy was sitting at the Super Bowl in the very best seat available. The guy on his left noticed there was an empty seat next to him and said, “Can you believe someone actually paid for that seat and didn’t come to the game?”

The fellow next to him replied, “Actually that’s my wife’s seat…we bought these tickets months ago. Unfortunately, my wife passed away so I came alone.”

“I’m sorry to hear that, but why didn’t you give the ticket to a family member or friend?”

“Oh, they’re all at the funeral.” 🏈🏈🏈

Football Funnies

Q: Why did the football team go to the bank?
A: To get their quarterback! 🏈💰😄

At A Fancy Resort Hotel

This man had decided to spend some time in this new and fancy resort which advertised an all inclusive do all you can kind of sejour. So he shows up at the desk , gets his key and goes to his room. Looking thru the hotel’s book he finds there are tennis courts on the premises so he calls the desk to find out how to go about playing a set or two. “Just meet the pro at the tennis shop, he will lend you all that you need and will find you someone to play with.” answered a very polite clerk. “How much is that going to cost me” the man asks So the man goes to the shop, plays tennis all afternoon. When he is done he asks the pro how much he owed. “Nothing, this is on the room.” The next day he decided to try horse backriding and again found it did not cost him a penny more than the price of the room. After a week there he had done just about everything that was available except golf. On his last day he decided to play a round so he goes to the club house, gets what he needs and starts his games. When he came back to the shop the pro asked him how the game had gone. “Not so good” the man answers, “in fact I lost 5 balls.” “Well” says the pro, “that will be $5000.00 sir.” “What do you mean $5000.00, for 5 lousy golf balls? You have to be kidding. I played an afternoon of tennis, went horse riding, scuba diving, deep sea fishing and more and was never charged a cent, and now that I have lost 5 balls you charge me $5000.00 ?” “Well” the pro says “you know, this hotel really gets you by the balls.”

Baseball Players Stay Cool

Q. How do baseball players stay cool?
A. Sit next to their fans.

Baseball fans

Two buddies Bob and Earl were two of the biggest baseball fans in America. Their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed
baseball history in the winter, and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They
even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven. One summer
night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening.

He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob’s voice from beyond. “Bob is that you?” Earl
asked.

“Of course it me,” Bob replied.

“This is unbelievable!” Earl exclaimed. “So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?”

“Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?”

“Tell me the good news first.”

“Well, the good news is that yes there is baseball in heaven, Earl.”

“Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?”

“You’re pitching tomorrow night.”

The beaten track

A couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track. All of a sudden, the Game Warden jumped out
of the bushes.

Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell. The Game Warden
was hot on his heels.

After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the Game
Warden finally caught up to him.

“Let’s see your fishing license, Boy!” the Warden gasped.

With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license.

“Well, son,” said the Game Warden. “You must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don’t have to run from me if you have a
valid license!”

“Yes, sir,” replied the young guy. “But my friend back there, well, he don’t have one.”

The jogging lane

Jane had been driving 16 hours straight and was still at least six hours away from her destination. It was almost eight
o’clock in the morning and she was very tired.

After dozing off and nearly crashing into a telephone pole, she decided to pull onto a side road and rest.

Jane turned off the car and closed her eyes… drifting off to sleep, precious sleep…

When an old man in a bright blue jogging suit knocked on her window, scaring her half to death.

“Sorry to wake you,” he huffed, jogging in place. “But can you tell me what time it is?”

Jane glanced at her watch. “8:15,” she said through the glass.

The old man thanked her, then left.

“Just my luck,” she muttered. “I’m parked on someone’s jogging route.”

With a sigh, she settled back into her seat and tried to fall asleep.

Two male joggers in their thirties knocked on her window. If she hadn’t been dead tired, she would have found them cute. Now,
they were just annoying.

“Hi,” the blond jogger said.

“Do you have the time?” his brown-haired friend asked.

Jane sighed and looked at her watch. “8:19,” she said.

“Thanks,” they said, then jogged off.

Jane looked down the road and saw more joggers coming her way. Irritated, she retrieved a pen from the glove box and scrawled
‘I DO NOT KNOW THE TIME’ on the back of a magazine. She put the hastily constructed sign in the window and settled back to
sleep.

A thin, pale jogger knocked on the window just as she started dozing off.

Jane pointed at the sign and shouted, “Can’t you read?”

To which he replied, “Sure I can, ma’am. I just wanted to let you know: It’s 8:27.”

Bullfight Buffet

A man goes to Spain and attends a bullfight. Afterwards he goes to a nearby restaurant and orders the specialty of the day. The waiter brings him two very big balls on a huge plate, which the tourist eats with relish.

The next day he goes to the same restaurant again, once again orders the specialty of the day, and he is brought two very big balls on a huge plate. It tastes even more scrumptious.

The third day he does the same and the fourth, but on the fifth day he goes to the restaurant and orders the specialty of the day, and they bring him two very small balls on a big plate. The man asks, “What gives?”

And the waiter says, “Senor, the bullfighter doesn’t always win!”

Bubba Gets Smart

Bubba was Alabama’s star lineman. He was great at football, but not at academics. The principal was letting it slide until one day he decided that Bubba’s grades HAD to be better. They decided to make him take a test. It was only one math problem. Everyone wanted to support Bubba out in the stands, so they held the test in the middle of the football stadium, so everyone could see. His math teacher went out to the center of the field with Bubba. It was test time. The teacher said, ”Ok, Bubba. What is six plus three?”

Bubba sat and thought. Then he said, ”nine,” confidently.

But out in the stands, everyone was yelling, ”Aw, c’mon. Give him another chance!”

Deep In The Fourth Quarter

Two hunters are stalking through the forest when one says to the other that he has to take a dump. ”Well, go in the bushes.”

”What should I use to wipe my ass?”

”Use a dollar bill.”

A few minutes later the hunter steps out of the bushes with shit all over his hands.

”What happened?” asks his friend.

”I didn’t have a dollar bill, so I used four quarters.”

No teeth

Hockey players have been complaining about violence for years. It’s just that without any teeth, no one can understand them.

Hockey Fan Murderer

Two boys are playing hockey on a pond in a park in Toronto, when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy takes his stick, wedges it down the dogs collar and twists, breaking the dogs neck. A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy. “Young Leafs Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal,” he starts writing in his notebook. “But I’m not a Leafs fan,” the little hero replied. “Sorry, since we are in Toronto, I just assumed you were.” said the reporter and starts again. “Little Jays Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack” hecontinued writing in his notebook. “I’m not a Jays fan either,” the boy said. “I assumed everyone in Toronto was either for the Leafs or Jays fan. “What team do you root for?” the reporter asked. “I’m a Montreal Canadiens fan.” the child said. The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, “Little French Bastard from Montreal Kills Beloved Family Pet.

Putter Along

A husband and wife team are playing for their golf club’s team championship. The match comes down to a very short putt on the 18th hole. The wife must make the putt to win the hole and the match, if she misses they lose the championship.

She putts and misses.

On the way home the husband says, “How could you possibly miss such a short putt, it wasn’t much longer than my willie?”

The wife says, “Yes dear, but it was much, much harder!”

Foul-Mouthed Hockey

Q) What did the hockey goalie say to his teammate?

A) Let’s get the “puck” out of here!

Football Fan To The Rescue

Two boys are playing football in Central Park when one is attacked by a rabid rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips a board off of a nearby fence, wedges it down the dog’s collar and twists, breaking the dog’s neck. A reporter strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.

“Young Giants Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal,” he writes in his notebook.

“But I’m not a Giants fan,” the little hero replies.

“Sorry, since we are in New York, I just assumed you were,” says the reporter.

“Little Jets Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack,” he writes in his notebook.

“I’m not a Jets fan either,” the boy says.

“I assumed everyone in New York was either for the Giants or Jets. What team do you root for?” the reporter asks.

“I’m a Cowboys fan,” the child says.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, “Little Redneck Maniac Kills Beloved Family Pet”.

Leper Hockey

Why did the referees stop the leper hockey game?

There was a face-off in the corner.

Lamaze Class

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners. The Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

“Ladies, exercise is good for you,” announced the teacher. “Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn’t hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!”

The room was very quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.

“Yes?” asked the instructor.

“Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?”

Mike Tyson and Metallica

What do Mike Tyson and a Metallica concert have in common?

At a Metallica concert you get ringing in the ears, and at a Mike Tyson fight, you get ears in the ring!

Trial Run

What do you say to a football player in an Armani suit?
“Will the defendant please rise…”

Unfaithful Wives

Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.
His first friend says: “I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren’t mine.”

His second friend says: “I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn’t mine.”

Paddy says: “I think my wife is having an affair with a horse.” Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.

“No, I’m serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed.”

His first friend says: “I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren’t mine.”

His second friend says: “I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn’t mine.”

Paddy says: “I think my wife is having an affair with a horse.” Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.

“No, I’m serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed.”

SuperBowl!

What do you call a bunch of millionaires sitting around watching the Super Bowl?
The Dallas Cowboys

NBA Injury

A guy was limping, and his friend asked him what was up.
“You know, my foot bugs me sometimes. It’s just an old basketball injury.”

“Uh, aren’t you kinda short for a basketball player?”

“Oh – no – I never played basketball, I just lost a load of money on the NBA finals last year, and kicked in the TV.”

Psyched Up

In a class on abnormal psychology, the instructor was about to introduce the subject of manic depression.
The instructor asked, “How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth, screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?”

A young man in the rear raised his hand and suggested earnestly, “A basketball coach?”

Wrestlemania

Three Americans were up against a very large Russian in a wrestling meet. They were nervous because he had a famous move called “The Russian Pretzel,” which often landed his opponents in the hospital.
When the first American caught a glimpse of him, he said, “Coach, he’s HUGE. I’m scared.”

The coach replied, “You da MAN! Just go in there and tear him up!”

The guy started the match quite confidently, but after about a minute, the Russian picked him up, slammed him into the famous pretzel, and sent him to the emergency room.

The same thing happened to the second wrestler, so the third guy was petrified. He told his coach he was backing out.

The coach said, “C’mon, son. You’re our last chance!”

The kid started out pretty well, but when the Russian started to twist him into the pretzel, the coach covered his eyes. When he opened them, he saw the referee holding the American’s hand up in victory. The coach, baffled, asked the kid how he did it.

“Well Coach, when that damn Russian picked me up and started twisting my body, it HURT! So when I saw two red things dangling there, I bit them… HARD! You’d be surprised what you can do when you bite your own nuts!”

Yankees -vs- Red Sox

A teacher asks her students if they’re Yankees fans. All of the hands go up except for one student.
“Okay, Bobby. What team are you a fan of?”

“The Red Sox.”

“Why’s that?”

“Well, my parents are both Red Sox fans, so I’m a Red Sox fan too.”

“That’s not a good answer, Bobby. If your parents were both morons, would you be a moron too?”

“No, that would make me a Yankees fan!”

Dead Golfer

George looks like a golf pro in his designer outfit but he slices his first drive deep into the woods. Rather than accept a penalty, he decides to try using an iron to get back on the fairway.
His ball ricochets off a tree and strikes him on the forehead, killing him.

When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter greets him. “You look like a golfer. Are you any good?”

George replies, “I got here in two, didn’t I?”

Redneck Baseball

You might be a redneck if it takes two twinkies, a beer and your sister to get to second base.

Obnoxious Pool Fun

*Stand on top of the high board and say you won’t come down until your demands are met.
*Tell the lifeguards that they aren’t doing their jobs because you have seen at least 15 people drown today.

*Ask people if they have seen your pet shark.

*Sit in the baby pool and play with the toys.

*Take a flutter board and pretend you can’t swim.

*Hit strangers with your flutter board.

*Ask an attractive lifeguard to practise CPR on you.

*Sit in front of a water jet, make moaning sounds and say, ”Oh yeah… oooh that feels soooo good….”

*Sit on the top of the water slide and don’t move.

*Swim near a stranger and go ”Dammit I knew I shouldn’t have had watermelon before I came here.”

*Insist that you saw a monster at the bottom of the pool.

*Pretend to drown and then when someone tries to help you, say ”HA-HA, fooled you!” *Scream as someone is trying to do something when jumping off of a diving board. *Laugh at fat people in swimsuits.

*Tell people you saw the lifeguard pissing in the pool.

*Ask a lifeguard if skinny-dipping is allowed.

*Try to negotiate the price of getting in.

*Take a really long time when you are on top of the high dive and then act as though you were pushed off.

*When in line, ask strangers if they think invisble people get a discount.

*Take your towel, tie it around your shoulders and say ”Wheee! I’m Batman!” while running around.

*Hit strangers with your wet towel.

*Throw people’s things into the pool.

*Sing and dance on top of the dinving board, then do a belly-flop as your grande-finale. *Play Marco-Polo by yourself.

*Ask small children if they have seen any suspicious-looking sea monsters lately.

Rookie Pitcher

A rookie pitcher was struggling at the mound, so the catcher walked up to have a talk with him.
“I’ve figured out your problem,” he told the young southpaw. “You always lose control at the same point in every game.”

“When is that?”

“Right after the National Anthem.”

NASCAR Samaritans

There were three NASCAR fans on their way to a race, when they see an accident on the side of the road so they pull over! They go to help the victim, but they realize she is naked, so they take off their hats. The first guy was a Earnhardt fan, and put his hat over her left breast. The second guy was a Elliot fan, and put it over her right breast!! The last guy was a Gordon fan, and put his hat over her crotch.

When the police arrived, the officer looks at the girl and goes to evaluate. He first picks up the Earnhardt hat, puts it back down and writes something down. He does the same with the Elliot hat. Then he picks up the Gordon hat and puts it down then picks it up again. He does this several times until the Gordon fan says, “What are you? Some kind of pervert?”

The officer replies, “No, I just usually find an asshole under one of these hats.”