Anyjokes - Funny Jokes

Brain Insult

“Add this up for me. A ton of sawdust, a ton of old newspaper, and a ton of fat. Now, have you got all that in your head?”

“Yes.”

“Yeah, I thought so.”

Double

Did you hear about the guy on the beach who found a bottle? He rubbed it and, sure enough, out popped a Genie.
“I will grant you three wishes,” said the Genie. “But there’s a catch.”
“What catch?” he asked.
The Genie replied, “Every time you make a wish, every lawyer in the world will receive DOUBLE what you asked for.”
“Well, I can live with that! No problem!” replied the elated man.
“What is your first wish?” asked the Genie.
“Well, I’ve always wanted a Ferrari.”
POOF! A Ferrari appeared in front of the man.
“NOW, every lawyer in the world has TWO Ferraris,” said the Genie.
“Next wish?”
“I’d LOVE a million dollars…” replied the man.
POOF! One million dollars appeared at his feet.
“NOW, every lawyer in the world has TWO MILLION dollars,” said the Genie.
“Well, that’s okay, as long as I’ve got MY million,” replied the man.
“What is your final wish?”
The man thought long and hard, and finally said, “Well, you know, I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney….”

DOB

Cop asks suspect questions:
– What is your DOB ?
– What’s DOB, man ?
– Your birthday.
– Oh, that. September 5th.
– What year ?
– Every year, man!

Jerry Seinfeld's Ponderables...

Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Can fat people go skinny dipping?

Why is the word “abbreviation” so long?

What’s another word for thesaurus?

If a book about failure doesn’t sell, is it a success?

When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

What a difference 30 years can make

1970: Long hair
2000: Longing for hair

1970: The perfect high
2000: The perfect high yield mutual fund

1970: KEG
2000: EKG

1970: Acid rock
2000: Acid reflux

1970: Moving to California because it’s cool
2000: Moving to California because it’s warm

1970: Growing pot
2000: Growing pot belly

1970: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2000: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

1970: Seeds and stems
2000: Roughage

1970: Popping pills, smoking joints
2000: Popping joints

1970: Killer weed
2000: Weed killer

1970: Hoping for a BMW
2000: Hoping for a BM

1970: The Grateful Dead
2000: Dr. Kevorkian

1970: Going to a new, hip joint
2000: Receiving a new hip joint

1970: Rolling Stones
2000: Kidney stones

1970: Being called into the principal’s office
2000: Calling the principal’s office

1970: Screw the system
2000: Upgrade the system

1970: Disco
2000: Costco

1970: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2000: Children begging you to get their heads shaved

1970: Taking acid
2000: Taking antacid

1970: Passing the drivers test
2000: Passing the vision test

1970: Whatever
2000: Depends

Stolen credit card

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it
because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

Bungee Jumping in Mexico

Two Americans decide to open a bungee-jumping business in Mexico.
They set up on the square of a small village. Bob jumps, bounces at the end of the cord, and flies back up by the platform. Jeff isn’t able to catch his friend, but he notices he has a few cuts and scratches.

Bob falls again, bounces, and comes back up. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, Jeff misses him. The third time it happens, Bob comes back pretty messed up – he’s got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, Jeff finally catches him and says, “Holy cow, what happened? Was the cord too long?”

Bob looks confused and says, “No, the cord was fine… but what the heck is a pinata?”

BBC News

BBC News: “Scots throw away £460 worth of food each every year”
Maybe McDonald’s should stop putting salad in their burgers.

Stop sign

A woman drove a mini-van filled with a dozen screaming kids through the mall parking lot, looking for a space. Obviously frazzled, she coasted through a stop sign.
“Hey, lady, did you forget how to stop?” yelled an irate man.
She rolled down her window and said, “What makes you
think these kids are all mine?”