The Saints

The Saints

The divorce judge asked little Johnny which parent he wanted to live with. Little Johnny replied, “Not my daddy, he beats me…Not my mommy, either; she beats me, too.” Little Johnny thought for a minute, then exclaimed, “I know! I want to live with the New Orleans Saints! They don’t beat anybody!”

Related Jokes

Shocked Old Ladies

Three old ladies are sitting in the park on a beautiful spring day feeding the pigeons and the squirrels, when suddenly, a man in a long trench coat jumps in front of them and throws open his coat. He’s completely naked under his jacket. The three old ladies haven’t seen such a thing in a very long time, and their blood pressure shoots up quickly. The first old lady lets out a gasp and has a stroke. The second old lady sees this and it’s too much for her — she gasps and has a stroke, too. The third old lady didn’t have a stroke — she was sitting too far away and couldn’t reach.

Shingles

A man walked into a Doctor’s office. “What do you have?” the receptionist asked.

“Shingles,”he replied.

She told him to sit down. Soon a nurse called him and asked, “What do you have?”

“Shingles,” he replied.

She took his blood pressure, weight, and complete medical history. Then she took him to a room and told him to remove all of his clothes. After a few minutes the Doctor came in and asked,”What do you have?”

“Shingles,” the man told him.

The Doctor looked him up and down and said,”Where?”

“Out on the truck. Where do you want me to unload them?

Shaky Arms Hotel

A man and his wife check into a hotel. The husband wants to have a drink at the bar, but his wife is extremely tired so she decides to go on up to their room to rest. She lies down on the bed… just then, and elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she’s thrown out of the bed. Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she’s pitched to the floor.
Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The manager says he’ll be right up. The manager is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true.

“Look… lie here on the bed — you’ll be thrown right to the floor!”

So he lies down next to the wife. Just then the husband walks in. “What,” he says, “are you doing here?”

The manager calmly replies, “Would you believe I’m waiting for a train?”

Selling Lettuce

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head.
The shop assisant said he would go ask his manager about the matter.

He said to his manager, “There’s some asshole out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce.” As he was finishing saying this, he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, “and this gentleman wants to buy the other half.” The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way.

Later the manager called on the boy and said, “You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?”

The boy replied, “Minnesota sir.”

“Oh really? Why did you leave Minnesota” asked the manager.

The boy replied, “They’re all just whores and hockey players up there.”

“Really?,” replied the manager, “My wife is from Minnesota!!”

The boy replied, “No kidding! What team did she play for?”

Search and Destroy

What is the thing that you keep on looking for and when you find it you throw it away?

A booger.