Truck Driver

Truck Driver

Johnny asked his Mom if he could go to the local carnival. She said, “Yes.”

At the carnival Johnny won the ring toss and selected a huge bag of M&M’s for his prize. Excited he ran home to show his Mom. After showing her his prize he asked if he could have some M&M’s.

She said,”Yes but, don’t eat too many — it’s almost dinner.” She poured a small amount into his hand.

Johnny tipped his head back and popped the handful into his mouth. He ran over to the house cat, picked it up, bit it, put it down, ran outside, and jumped on his bike racing it around the house a few times. Afterward Johnny went back into the house and asked for some more M&M’s. Puzzled she poured some more into his hand.

Again, Johnny repeated actions a 2nd, 3rd, and 4th time.

Upon the 5th request his Mom asked,”Johnny, what are you doing?”

Johnny replies,”I’m playing truck driver.”

She says,”Truck driver? Can you explain?” Johnny says,”Yes, I’m popping pills, eating pussy, and driving like hell!”

Related Jokes

What a difference 30 years can make

1970: Long hair
2000: Longing for hair

1970: The perfect high
2000: The perfect high yield mutual fund

1970: KEG
2000: EKG

1970: Acid rock
2000: Acid reflux

1970: Moving to California because it’s cool
2000: Moving to California because it’s warm

1970: Growing pot
2000: Growing pot belly

1970: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2000: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

1970: Seeds and stems
2000: Roughage

1970: Popping pills, smoking joints
2000: Popping joints

1970: Killer weed
2000: Weed killer

1970: Hoping for a BMW
2000: Hoping for a BM

1970: The Grateful Dead
2000: Dr. Kevorkian

1970: Going to a new, hip joint
2000: Receiving a new hip joint

1970: Rolling Stones
2000: Kidney stones

1970: Being called into the principal’s office
2000: Calling the principal’s office

1970: Screw the system
2000: Upgrade the system

1970: Disco
2000: Costco

1970: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2000: Children begging you to get their heads shaved

1970: Taking acid
2000: Taking antacid

1970: Passing the drivers test
2000: Passing the vision test

1970: Whatever
2000: Depends

Voice

A guy went home from work one night and heard a voice. The voice whispered to him: “Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas.” The man was disturbed about what he heard and ignored the voice. The next day when he got home from work, the same thing happened. The voice whispered to him: “Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas.” Again the man ignored the voice, though he was very troubled by the event. Every day, the man was tormented by the same voice when he came home from work: “Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas.” Each time the man heard the voice he became increasingly upset. Finally, after two weeks, he succumbed to the pressure. He quit his job, sold his house, got together all his money and headed to Vegas. The moment the man got off the plane in Vegas, the voice told him, “Go to Harrah’s.”

So he hopped in a cab and rushed over to Harrah’s. As soon as he set foot in the casino, the voice echoed, “Go to the roulette table.” The man did as he was told. When he arrived at the roulette table, the voice firmly told him, “Put all your money on 17.” Nervously, the man cashed in his money for chips and then put them all on 17. The dealer wished the man good luck and spun the roulette wheel. Around and around the ball caromed. The man anxiously watched the ball as it slowly lost speed until finally it settled into number . . . 21. The voice said, “Dang it…”

Viagra for Gramps

This old man in his eighties got up and was putting on his coat.
His wife said, “Where are you going ?”

He said, “I’m going to the doctor.”

And she said, “Why? Are you sick?”

“No,” he said. “I’m going to get me some of those new Viagra pills.”

So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater and he said, “Where are you going?”

She said, “I’m going to the doctor too.”

He said, “Why?”

She said, “If you’re going to start using that rusty old thing again, I’m going to get a tetanus shot.”

Very large Bic cigarette lighter

Guy walks into a bar, sits down next to another guy and immediately notices the guy has a very large Bic cigarette lighter.

The first guy says “Wow, cool lighter…where did you get it?”

“A genie from a bottle granted me one wish.”

“Great, can I try it?”

“Sure.”

First guy rubs the bottle and the genie appears. “You are granted one wish says the genie.”

The guy says, “I want a million bucks!”

“Done” says the genie and disappears. A few minutes go by and suddenly the bar door swings open and in come pouring in ducks. Thousands and thousands of ducks falling all over each other through the bar door.

“I can’t believe this,” says the guy who had just placed his wish, “I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!”

The second guy then says, “Do you really think I wished for a 12″ Bic?”

Upgrading

Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.