Coming home late

Coming home late

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, “You know, I don’t know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we’ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!”

His buddy looks at him and says, “Well, you’re obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say, ‘You as horny as I am?’ . . . and, she always acts like she’s sound asleep!”

Related Jokes

Living with the girlfriend

One night, this guy is invited out for a night with the guys. He promised his live-in girlfriend that he would be home by midnight. Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down smooth, and before he knew it, it was 2:30 a.m. Drunk as a skunk, he headed for home.
Just as he got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, he realized that she’d probably wake up, so he was quite proud of himself when he thought to cuckoo nine more times. Even in his drunken haze, he fell asleep smiling about how he had escaped a possible conflict.

The next morning, his girlfriend asked him what time he got in, and he replied, “Twelve.” She didn’t seem disturbed at all, which made the guy feel even better.

She then told him that they needed a new cuckoo clock.

“Why is that?” he asked.

“Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, said “Oh, crap,” cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted.”

Joe's Accident

There was a man named Joe playing baseball on his wedding day. The guy at the plate hits the ball, and it nails Joe righ in the genitals. His teamates rush him to the hospital and take him into the emergency room. As he’s lying on the table the doctor looks at him and says, ”That’s pretty bad. I don’t think there’s anything I can do for that.”
Joe says, ”Oh please doc it’s my wedding night. You’ve gotta do something!”

The doctor then says, ”Well, I can put two tongue depressors around it and wrap it with gauze tap to immobilize it.”

Joe says, ”Oh thank you, doc. Just don’t tell my fiance.”

They get married and later that night Joe’s lying on the bed and his wife comes out in a sexy outfit. She unbuttons it, grabs her breasts and says, ”Do you see these beautiful breasts? No one else has ever seen these. I’ve been saving them just for you.”

”Thats nothing,” Joe replies. He pulls down his pants and says, ”Look at this. It’s not even out of the box yet!”

If you were my husband...

A woman at a party walked up to a man and told him, “If you were my husband I would poison your drink.” The man replied, “If you were my wife I would drink it.”

I can't eat, drink or sleep

Ricky was telling his father about his new girlfriend. He said,
“Since I met her I can’t eat, drink, or sleep.”
“Why’s that?” asked his father.
“Because,” he said, “I’m broke.”