Hold Me

Hold Me

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says: ’’I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.’’ The husband says, ’’WHAT??’’ The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.
So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can’t decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them.

Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. And then they go to the Jewelry Department where she gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care. She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says, ’’But you don’t even play tennis, but OK if you like it then let’s get it.’’

The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on.

She says ’’Okay, I’m ready, let’s go to the cash register.’’ The husband says, ’’No – no – no, honey we’re not going to buy all this stuff.’’

The wife’s face goes blank. ’’No honey – I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.’’

Related Jokes

Living with the girlfriend

One night, this guy is invited out for a night with the guys. He promised his live-in girlfriend that he would be home by midnight. Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down smooth, and before he knew it, it was 2:30 a.m. Drunk as a skunk, he headed for home.
Just as he got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, he realized that she’d probably wake up, so he was quite proud of himself when he thought to cuckoo nine more times. Even in his drunken haze, he fell asleep smiling about how he had escaped a possible conflict.

The next morning, his girlfriend asked him what time he got in, and he replied, “Twelve.” She didn’t seem disturbed at all, which made the guy feel even better.

She then told him that they needed a new cuckoo clock.

“Why is that?” he asked.

“Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, said “Oh, crap,” cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted.”

Joe's Accident

There was a man named Joe playing baseball on his wedding day. The guy at the plate hits the ball, and it nails Joe righ in the genitals. His teamates rush him to the hospital and take him into the emergency room. As he’s lying on the table the doctor looks at him and says, ”That’s pretty bad. I don’t think there’s anything I can do for that.”
Joe says, ”Oh please doc it’s my wedding night. You’ve gotta do something!”

The doctor then says, ”Well, I can put two tongue depressors around it and wrap it with gauze tap to immobilize it.”

Joe says, ”Oh thank you, doc. Just don’t tell my fiance.”

They get married and later that night Joe’s lying on the bed and his wife comes out in a sexy outfit. She unbuttons it, grabs her breasts and says, ”Do you see these beautiful breasts? No one else has ever seen these. I’ve been saving them just for you.”

”Thats nothing,” Joe replies. He pulls down his pants and says, ”Look at this. It’s not even out of the box yet!”

If you were my husband...

A woman at a party walked up to a man and told him, “If you were my husband I would poison your drink.” The man replied, “If you were my wife I would drink it.”

I can't eat, drink or sleep

Ricky was telling his father about his new girlfriend. He said,
“Since I met her I can’t eat, drink, or sleep.”
“Why’s that?” asked his father.
“Because,” he said, “I’m broke.”