1. If you eat something but no one else sees you eat it, it has no calories.
2. Drinking a diet soda while eating a candy bar cancels out the calories in the candy bar.
3. When you eat with someone else, calories don’t count as long as you don’t eat more than they do.
4. Foods used for medicinal purposes never count, e.g., hot chocolate, brandy, toast, Sara Lee cheesecake.
5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you appear thinner.
6. Movie-related foods do not have calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one’s personal fuel, e.g., Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, and Tootsie Rolls.
7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking the cookie causes calorie leakage.
8. Late-night snacks have no calories. The refrigerator light is not strong enough for the calories to see their way into the calorie counter.
9. If you are in the process of preparing something, food licked off knives and spoons has no calories, e.g., peanut butter on a knife, ice cream on a spoon.
10. Foods of the same color have the same number of calories. Examples include spinach and pistachio ice cream, mushrooms, and white chocolate. Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other.

“Knock, knock.”
“Who’s there?”
Very long pause…
“Java.”

Eight bytes walk into a bar.
The bartender asks, “Can I get you anything?”
“Yeah,” reply the bytes.
“Make us a double.” 💻💻

My Aunt Maud had so many candles on her last birthday cake that all her party guests got sunburned!🕯🕯🕯🕯

A police officer pulls over a car with a young blonde driver in it…

Cop: “Miss, this is a 65 MPH highway, why are you going so slowly?”

Blonde: “Officer, I saw a lot of signs saying 22, not 65.”

Cop: “Oh miss, that’s not the speed limit, that’s the name of the highway you’re on!”

Blonde: “Oh! Stupid me! Thanks for letting me know, I’ll be more careful from now on.”

At this point, the cop looks into the back seat of the car, where the passengers are shaking and white as ghosts.

Cop: “Excuse me, miss, what’s wrong with your friends back there? They’re shaking something awful.”

Blonde: “Oh… We just got off of highway 119.”

A man was drinking in a bar when he noticed this beautiful young lady sitting next to him. “Hello there,” says the man, “and what is your name?”

“Hello,” giggles the woman, “I’m Stacey. What’s yours?”

“I’m Jim.”

“Jim, do you want to come over to my house tonight? I mean, right now??”

“Sure!” replies Jim, “Let’s go!”

So Stacey takes Jim to her house and takes him to her room. Jim sits down on the bed and notices a picture of a man on Stacey’s desk. “Stacey, I noticed the picture of a man on your desk,” Jim says.

“Yes? And what about it?” asks Stacey.

“Is it your brother?”

“No, it isn’t, Jim!” Stacey giggles. Jim’s eyes widen, suspecting that it might be Stacey’s husband.

When he finally asks, “Is it your husband?”

Stacey giggles even more, “No, silly!” Jim was relieved.

“Then, it must be your boyfriend!”

Stacey giggles even more while nibbling on Jim’s ear. She says, “No, silly!!”

“Then, who is it?” Jim asks.

Stacey replies, “That’s me BEFORE my operation!!”

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time… I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
3. When people say “Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too”. Damn right! What good is cake if you can’t eat it?
4. When people say “it’s always the last place you look”. Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you’ve found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna kick their asses!
5. When people say, while watching a film, “Did you see that?”. No, Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.
6. People who ask “Can I ask you a question?”… Didn’t really give me a choice there, did ya, Sunshine?
7. When something is “new and improved!”… Which is it? If it’s new, then there has never been anything before it. If it’s an improvement, then there must have been something before it, so it couldn’t be new.
8. When people say “life is short”. What the hell? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever experiences!! What can you do that’s longer?
9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks “Has the bus come yet?”. If the bus came would I be standing here, Dumb-ass?

😊😊😊

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. 👮

She replied in a huff, “I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license, and then today you expect me to show it to you.”

Q: Why did the number get mad at his wife?
A: Because she was too divisive, and it really subtracted from their relationship!

Q: What’s the difference between a tea bag and the English cricket team?

A: A tea bag stays in the cup longer.

John bought a dog, and his friend asks:

“What kind of dog is it?”
“A police dog.”
“It doesn’t look like a police dog at all.”
“Of course not, if it’s undercover.” 🐶

A policeman stops a drunkard staggering on the sidewalk in the middle of the night:
👮 Policeman: Where are you going at this hour of the night?
👨 Drunkard: To a lecture.
👮 Policeman: Oh? And who gives a lecture at this time?
👨 Drunkard: My wife.

A man is walking through the desert, completely exhausted and thirsty. He sees a well in the distance and shouts:
“Water, water!”

Suddenly, a voice from the well responds:
“Where, where?”

Q: Why do leprechauns prefer dollar bills to coins?
A: Because they like a little green in their pocket!🍀😄

Q: Why did the leprechaun go to school?
A: He wanted to get a little “smarter” about where to hide his gold!🍀😄

Q: How can you tell if a leprechaun likes your joke?
A: He’s Dublin over with laughter!🍀😄

Q: What kind of spells do leprechauns use?
A: Lucky Charms!🍀😄

Q: Why don’t leprechauns ever get cold?
A: Because they’re always in a wee bit of a sweater!🍀😄

Doctor says to the patient:

“I have two pieces of news, a bad one and an even worse one.”
“What’s the bad one?”
“According to the lab results, you have only 24 hours left to live.”
“And the worse one?”
“I’ve been trying to reach you on the phone since yesterday.”

A salesman finds that the land he sold has become flooded. He asks his boss: “Should the company refund the client?”
His boss shouts: “Refund? Are you crazy? You go there and sell him boats as soon as possible!”

Bernie was invited to his friend’s home for dinner.

Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, “That is really nice, that after all these years you have been married, you still call your wife those pet names.”

Morris hung his head and whispered, “To tell the truth, I forgot her name three years ago.”

Q: What snack does a ghost prefer at midnight?

A: Boo-berries with scream! 🌚👻

Q: Why don’t secrets work well in the dark?

A: Because they always come out in the light! 🌚👻

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings currently on display.

The owner, deciding to have some general fun, said, “I’ve got good news and bad news.”

“The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all fifteen of your paintings.”

“That’s wonderful!” the artist exclaimed. “What’s the bad news?”

With concern, the gallery owner replied, “The guy was your doctor.”

There were two people robbing an apartment.

The first one said, “I hear the owner coming! Quick, jump out the window!”

The second one said, “Are you crazy? We’re on the thirteenth floor!”

The first one said, “This is no time to be superstitious!”

What is red and goes up and down?
A tomato in an elevator! 🍅

Q: If you have a sphere and you shake it, what do you get?
A: Shakespeare.

Q: What is 1+1?
A: It depends on who you ask: a mathematician will say “2”, a physicist might consider the precision of “2.0”, and a kindergartener might just show you two fingers and then ask if it’s snack time yet!

Q: Guess what?
A: Chicken butt! 😄🐔

Q. Why are soldiers so tired on April 1st?
A. Because they just had a 31 day March!

Q: How do you recognize a dogwood tree?
A: By its bark. 🐶

Q. Where does a Horse go when he gets sick?🐴
A. The “Horse-pital.”🏥

Q: Why do penguins always look like they’re going to a party? 🐧🎩
A: Because they’re always dressed in their best “ice” tuxedos! ❄️🤵

Q: Why do ducks have feathers? 🦆
A: To cover their butt quacks! 🍑

A blonde named Bubbles was working on a jigsaw puzzle.
She was having a lot of trouble and becoming quite exasperated. 😟
She called to her husband, Dan, to help her.
“It’s supposed to be a tiger!” Bubbles exclaimed. 🐅
Dan looked at his wife and the puzzle and said,
“Honey, put the Frosted Flakes back in the box!” 🤦‍♂️

One day, a guy walks into a bar and he pulls a little 8 inch guy and a little piano out of his pocket and the little guy starts to play. Everyone looked at him and was just so amazed by this.

One guy walks over to the other guy and asks him where he got that little man and the piano. He replies, “Well, out there, is a genie and he grants you but one wish.”

So, immediately after the guy heard that, he ran out to the genie. He walks back into the bar with all these ducks everywhere.

The guy with the man and piano asks, “Where’d all those ducks come from?”

The other says, “Well, I asked the genie for a million bucks, but he gave me a million ducks.”

The first guy says, “Oh, I guess I should have warned you that the genie is hard of hearing. You don’t actually think I asked for a 8 inch pianist, do you?”

This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew. I’d like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic.”

“If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire. If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off.”

“If you look down towards the Atlantic Ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you. That’s me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recorded message.”

Because on their planet, one hour lasts an entire Earth day, and their “Monday” is like an entire Earth month! 🌌
Imagine them checking their intergalactic calendars: “Nope, can’t invade Earth today, it’s still Monday back home. Let’s wait until it’s over… in a few Earth weeks.” 🛸

A middle-aged Jewish guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday.
He says, “So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?”
She says, “Bernie, I want a divorce.” He says, “I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”

A blonde airhead goes for a job interview in an office.
The interviewer starts with the basics.
“So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?”
The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying, “Ehhhh… 22!”

The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice.
“And can you tell us your height, please?”

The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces, “Five foot two!”

This isn’t looking good, so the interviewer goes for the real basics; something the interviewee won’t have to count, measure, or look up.
“Just to confirm for our records, your name please?”

The airhead bobs her head from side to side for about ten seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying, “MANDY!”

The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks –
“What in the world were you doing when I asked you your name?”

“Ohhhh, that!” replies the airhead…
“I was just running through that song –
‘Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear…’ ” 🎂🎂🎂

“I went to the butcher’s and asked for a couple of pounds of brains.
The butcher says, ‘I follow you on Facebook, you need four pounds…'” 🧠

“My dog has no nose!
“How does he smell?”
“Awful!”

Dad: “How are your grades, son?”
Son: “They’re underwater, Dad.”
Dad: “What do you mean, underwater?”
Son: “They’re below C level”

At lunch, Mom declares:

“Alright! From today on, we’re going to start saving up. Dad won’t be visiting the pub anymore, I’ll stop going to the hairdresser and the pastry shop, and you, little Johnny, you will…”

Little Johnny interrupts:

“I won’t be going to school anymore!” 🏫😂

A wise fisherman went fishing by the lake every morning.
One day, he caught a fish that begged for its life, promising to grant him three wishes if he spared it.
The fisherman pondered for a moment and then replied, “I appreciate the offer, but I’m not sure what to wish for.”
The fish replied, “Well, think carefully, because once you let me go, your wishes will be gone.”
The fisherman thought for a while and finally said, “Alright, I wish for all the fish in this lake to be as wise as you.”
The fish smiled and granted his wish before swimming away.
As the fisherman returned home empty-handed, his friend asked, “Did you catch anything today?”
With a grin, the fisherman replied, “No, but I’ve ensured a lifetime of wise decisions by the fish in that lake!” 🐟🐟🐟

The fisherman caught a big fish and returned it to the lake. Shortly after, he caught a smaller one and took it with him. A man saw him and asked:
“Why did you return the bigger fish to the lake but take the smaller one?”
The fisherman said:
“Well, the smaller one fits in my pan.” 🐟🍳

Policemen are on a bus heading to a union trip. Before entering a tunnel, the bus driver realizes that the tunnel is too low, or the bus is too tall.
“Push down the roof by five centimeters!” the commander shouts to the policemen.
“There’s no need,” says the bus driver. “I’ll let some air out of the tires, and it will fit.”
“Idiot! It’s too tall at the top, not at the bottom!” the commander yells. 👮‍♂️👮‍♂️

A cop stops a car speeding at two hundred where the limit is forty:
“You, didn’t you see the speed limit sign?”
Driver: “How could I at this speed?” 👮‍♂️🚸

A guy was sitting at the Super Bowl in the very best seat available. The guy on his left noticed there was an empty seat next to him and said, “Can you believe someone actually paid for that seat and didn’t come to the game?”

The fellow next to him replied, “Actually that’s my wife’s seat…we bought these tickets months ago. Unfortunately, my wife passed away so I came alone.”

“I’m sorry to hear that, but why didn’t you give the ticket to a family member or friend?”

“Oh, they’re all at the funeral.” 🏈🏈🏈

A young college student had stayed up all night studying for his zoology test the next day. As he entered the classroom, he saw ten stands with ten birds on them. Each bird had a sack over its head; only the legs were showing. He sat straight in the front row because he wanted to do the best job possible. The professor announced that the test would be to look at each of the birds’ legs and give the common name, habitat, genus and species.

The student looked at each of the birds’ legs. They all looked the same to him. He began to get upset. He had stayed up all night studying and now had to identify birds by their legs. The more he thought about it the madder he got.

Finally he could stand it no longer. He went up to the professor’s desk and said, “What a stupid test! How could anyone tell the difference between birds by looking at their legs?” With that the student threw his test on the professor’s desk and walked to the door.

The professor was surprised. The class was so big that he didn’t know every student’s name so as the student reached the door the professor called, “Mister, what’s your name?”

The enraged student pulled up his pant legs and said, “You tell me buddy! You tell me!”

“What’s the usual tip?” a man growled when, Jason, a college boy delivered his pizza. 🍕

“Well,” Jason replied, “this is my first delivery, but the other guys said that if I got a quarter out of you, I’d be doing great.”

“Is that so?” grunted the man. “In that case, here’s five dollars.”

“Thanks,” Jason said, “I’ll put it in my college fund.”

“By the way, what are you studying?” inquired the man.

Jason replied, “Applied psychology.”

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip.
After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. “Watson, look up and tell me what you see.”
Watson replied, “I see millions and millions of stars.”
“What does that tell you?”
Watson pondered for a minute. “Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
Why, what does it tell YOU?”
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke.
“Watson, you idiot. Some jerk has stolen our tent.” 🕵️‍♂️

A student on a class trip to the natural-history museum asks the guard, “Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?”

The guard tells him, “Three-million-four year and six months old.”

The student says. “How do you know that so precisely?”

The guard says, “Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago.”

Q: How many executives does it take to change a light bulb?
A: A roomful – they have to hold a meeting to discuss all the ramifications of the change.💡💡💡

Q: What do you call a rabbit with fleas?

A: Bugs Bunny!🐣🐰🌷

Q: What kind of music does the Easter Bunny like?

A: Hip Hop! 🐣🐰🌷

Q: How does the Easter Bunny stay fit?

A: Lots of egg-ercise! 🐣🐰🌷

A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn’t.
B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn’t.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn’t.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.

Wife: “Honey, what are you looking for?”
Husband: “Nothing.”
Wife: “Why have you been reading our marriage certificate for an hour?”
Husband: “I was just looking for the expiry date.”

Husband asks: Do you know the meaning of WIFE? It means…
Without Information, Fighting Everytime!

WIFE says: No darling , it means :-
With Idiot For Ever

A man in Hell asked Devil:
Can I make a call to my Wife?
After making call he asked how much to pay.
Devil : Nothing, Hell to hell is Free.

Teacher: I said to draw a cow eating some grass but you’ve only drawn the cow?

Pupil: Yes, the cow ate all the grass!

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?

Great food, no atmosphere! ️

A man walks into a library and asks the librarian for books about paranoia.
The librarian whispers, “They’re right behind you!”

Q: Why did the cry baby bring a ladder to school?
A: Because they heard high school can be an emotional “climb”! 😭😄

Teacher: Can anyone give me the name of a liquid that won’t freeze?
Pupil: Hot water! 😂💧

Q: What was T. rex’s favorite number?
A: Eight! (ate)

John: I lost my pet dinosaur.
Ron: Why don’t you put an ad in the newspaper ?
John: What good would that do, she can’t read!

Two squirrels are sitting on a park bench, discussing philosophy. One turns to the other and says, “I think, therefore I am.” The other squirrel scoffs and replies, “No, you gather nuts, therefore you are.”

Q: Why did the Eiffel Tower stop growing?
A: It peaked in Paris! 🗼😄

Q: What do you call an Eiffel Tower that plays the piano?
A: A towering musician with a great “range”! 🗼😄

Q: Why was the Eiffel Tower a good kisser?
A: Because it’s really “tall”ented in French! 🗼😄

Q: Why did the Queen go to The London Eye?
A: She wanted to see her kingdom in a “royal-round” way! 👑🎡😄

Q: Why don’t they play hide and seek in London?
A: Because good luck hiding when Big Ben is constantly telling the time! 🕰️😄

Q: Why did the dinosaur get in the bed ?
A: Because he was tired!

Q: What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars ?
A: Tyrannosaurus wrecks !

Q: What does a Triceratops sit on?
A: Its Tricera-bottom.

In an always-serious office, the old printer was the bane of everyone’s existence. One day, it mysteriously started printing on its own: “Help, I’m stuck in the printer!” sheet after sheet. Panic ensued until the IT guy discovered a voice recorder inside. The prankster? The office’s shyest employee, who finally spoke up: “Gotcha! Now, can we get a new printer?” The office burst into laughter, and the legend of the “haunted” printer lived on. 🖨️😂👻

Knock, knock.
Who’s there? Banana.
Banana who? Banana split so I had to go!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there? Banana.
Banana who? Banana peel, watch your step!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there? Orange.
Orange who? Orange you glad I didn’t say banana again?

Knock, knock.
Who’s there? Banana.
Banana who? Bananas of the world unite! Peel back oppression!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there? Little old lady.
Little old lady who? I didn’t know you could yodel! Banana yodel-ay-hee-hoo!

Once upon a time in a cozy little town, there was a duck who loved visiting the local grocery store. Every morning, he would waddle into the store and ask the manager, “Do you have any grapes?” Each time, the manager would gently reply, “No, we don’t sell grapes here.”

Despite this, the duck returned day after day, asking for grapes. The store manager, always patient, would repeat that they didn’t sell grapes. The customers began to find the duck’s daily visits amusing and endearing.

One day, to everyone’s surprise, the manager decided to stock grapes just for the duck. The next morning, when the duck came in and asked, “Do you have any grapes?” the manager proudly said, “Yes, we do!” But the duck looked confused and said, “Oh, I don’t like grapes. Do you have any apples?” 🦆🍇🍏

Q: Why did the man use ketchup during the rain? ☔🌧️😄
A: Because it was the only sauce without any leaks!

Q: What does a cloud wear under his raincoat?
A: Thunderwear! ☔🌧️😄

The eager young batsman had just scored yet another duck and was apologising to the captain.

‘I think I could do with some advice. What sort of coach would you recommend?’

‘A long distance one.’

George spent every Sunday playing cricket. It finally got too much for his wife , who exploded, ‘Cricket! All you ever think about is cricket! I think I’d drop dead if you stayed home on Sunday!’

‘Now then, dear,’ said George. ‘It’s no use trying to bribe me.’

The cricketer was talking to his dumb blonde girl friend.

‘Have you heard of W. G. Grace?’

‘Heard of him? I had lunch with him the other day.’

‘Don’t be silly. He’s been dead for seventy years.’

‘I thought he was quiet’

The batsman had a large opinion of his prowess.

He was approached by a club member who couldn’t resist saying to him, ‘You know, whenever I watch you bat, I always wonder…’

‘I know, I know. How I do it.’

‘No. Why you do it.’

The standard of batting in the local side was very low. Even at the net practice, they couldn’t hit a thing. Finally, the captain rushed forward and grabbed the bat.

‘Now bowl me some fast ones!’ he yelled. Six fast balls came down in quick succession and the captain missed them all. Not to be put off he glared at the team and shouted,

‘Now that’s what you’re all doing. Get in there and hit them!’

In a country town match, the batsman was out first ball. ‘Not like last week,’ said the wicket-keeper.

‘No,’ said the batsman. ‘Last week I stayed in and got forty and when I got back all the beer was gone!’

An expectant father rang the hospital to see how his wife was getting on. By mistake he dialed the number for Lord’s.

“How’s it going?” he asked.

“Fine,” came the answer, “We’ve got two out already and hope to have the rest out before lunch. The last one was a duck.

A friend asked George, “Tell me, is your daughter’s fiancée a good catch?”

“Good catch?” answered George. “Dammit, he’s the best fielder we’ve got in the side!”

In a calmer moment, George and his wife were sitting at home. George was as usual reading some bowling averages.

“Do you remember the day you proposed at the cricket match?” said she romantically.

“You were bold.”

“No I wasn’t,” muttered George, “I was LBW!”

Jones had taken his wife to a cricket match. She sat through the first innings although plainly bored. In the second innings a batsman gave a tremendous swipe and knocked the ball out of the ground.

‘Thank goodness they got rid of it,’ she sighed. ‘Now we can all go home.’

It was an exciting match and the championship hinged on the result. George was tensely poised on the edge of his seat watching every move.
His ever-patient wife asked him, ‘George, What’s all the fuss about? I thought they decided who were the champions last year!’

The cricketer was proud of his progress as a batsman and invited his mother-in-law along to watch him play, hoping to impress her.

At the crease, he turned to the wicket-keeper and said ‘I’m anxious to do well and really hit this ball. That’s my wife’s mother over there.’

‘Don’t be silly,’ said the wicket-keeper. ‘You’ll never hit her at a hundred yards. 🏏

The cricket fan had dragged his wife and child along to the ground to watch the local side. He watched with interest, but they were plainly bored and shifted uncomfortably in their seats. The child brightened and turned to the mother.

‘They just shouted ‘Over’, she said.

‘I know.’ replied her mother, wearily, ‘but don’t take any notice. It goes on and on and on.’

You’ve seen worse?

The nervous young batsman was having a terrible time and was lucky to still be at the crease. During a lull, he stammered to the wicket keeper, ‘Well, I expect you’ve seen worse players.’

Silence….

First slip added ‘he said I expect you’ve seen worse players.’

‘I heard him the first time. I was just trying to think.’

Q: Why don’t penguins play soccer?
A: Because they’re afraid of the ice ball! 🐧⚽❄️😄

Q: Why did the lion get kicked out of the soccer game?
A: Every time he got the ball, he thought it was a roar-nament! 🦁⚽😄

Q: What kind of ball does a dog never fetch?
A: A snowball – it melts in their mouth!

Q: Why don’t elephants play basketball?
A: Because they’re afraid of the mouse in the ball!

When struggling to open a jar:
“This is harder than it looks.”
“That’s what she said!”

On overpacking a suitcase:
“I can’t believe I fit all that in there.”
“That’s what she said!”

While trying to find a parking spot:
“Look at that space, it’s way too tight.”
“That’s what she said!”

Discussing a difficult puzzle:
“It just doesn’t seem to fit anywhere.”
“That’s what she said!”

At a dinner with oversized portions:
“I’ll never be able to finish all of this!”
“That’s what she said!”

While trying to thread a needle:
“I can’t even see the hole!”
“That’s what she said!”

When catching a big fish:
“Wow, look at the size of that thing!”
“That’s what she said!”

During a workout session:
“I can’t do another one; it’s too hard!”
“That’s what she said!”

Assembling furniture:
“Do you think it will hold up if I put it in like this?”
“That’s what she said!”

When someone is lost while driving:
“Do you even know where you’re sticking that thing?”
“That’s what she said!”

Plumber?
“Fix the sink? I barely know her!”

Carpenter?
“Build a house? I barely know her!”

Jogger?
“Run a marathon? I barely know her!”

Gardener?
“Plant a tree? I barely know her!”

Baker?
“Make a cake? I barely know her!”

Painter?
“Draw a portrait? I barely know her!”

Singer?
“Hit the high note? I barely know her!”

Dancer?
“Do the tango? I barely know her!”

Driver?
“Drive a car? I barely know her!”

Writer?
“Pen a novel? I barely know her!”

Q: What’s the most popular dance move on New Year’s Eve 2024?
A: The Robot, because even in 2024, everyone’s still trying to keep up with technology! 🤖🎉😄

Q: What do you always get on your birthday?
A: A year older and a bit more “candle-lit”! 🎂🕯️😄

Q: Why did the birthday cake visit the doctor?
A: Because it was feeling crumby after turning another year older! 🎂👩‍⚕️😄

Q: Why did Wednesday get a promotion?
A: Because it’s in the middle of the “weak” and still works hard! 😄📅

Q: Why do mummies like Christmas so much?
A: Because of all the wrapping! 🎁🎄😄

Marriage Mirth
Q: Why do most married men die before their wives?
A: Because they want to.

Wedding Whimsy
Q: What do you call a melon that’s not allowed to get married?
A: Cantaloupe!

Nuptial Nonsense
Q: Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
A: They’re hard to get started, emit foul smells, and don’t work half the time.

Bridal Banter
Q: Why did the scientist get married?
A: He found a perfect “solution”!

Ring Riddles
Q: Why is a bad joke like a bad marriage?
A: Both have poor “delivery”!

Vow Vexations
Q: What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary?
A: Get married on his birthday.

Honeymoon Humor
Q: Why do they call it a “honeymoon”?
A: Because “honey” is sweet, and “moon” is the length of time the sweetness is expected to last!

Aisle Irony
Q: Why was the broom late for the wedding?
A: It swept in!

Marital Merriment
Q: What’s the best way to keep your spouse in suspense?
A: I’ll tell you tomorrow!

Couple Comedy
Q: What did the light bulb say to the switch?
A: “You turn me on.”

Q: What did the salt say to the pepper on Christmas?
A: “I’m dreaming of a white Christmas, but you always spice it up!” 🧂🎅🌶️😄

Q: What kind of bug hates Christmas?
A: A humbug! 🐛🎄😄

Q: Why don’t Ferraris ever get lost?
A: Because they always take the fast lane in life! 🏎️💨😄

Person: Have you heard about the new trend called “updog”?

Friend: What’s updog?

Person: Not much, what’s up with you, dog? 😄🐶

Q: Why did December ask November to leave?
A: Because November was taking all the fall, and December wanted to bring in the snow! ❄️😄🌨️

What do you call a fish wearing a suit?

SOFISHticated!

CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS: Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in the reviews, but you still love it.

ATandT VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you’re paying too much for the ATandT virus.

PBS VIRUS: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.

ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self destructs; only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack—once if by LAN, twice if by C:>

How can you tell if you have been spending too much time at home on the Internet?

Your spouse emails you a message saying dinner is ready and she/he uses the address
“Your spouse@home.com.”

Q: Why did the football team go to the bank?
A: To get their quarterback! 🏈💰😄

1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.

2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.

3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.

4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought “Car95” or “CarNT”. But, then you would have to buy more seats.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive – but would only run on 5 percent of the roads.

6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.

7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single “general car default” warning light.

8. The air bag system would say, “are you sure?” before going off.

9. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.

Q. How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

A. None. That’s a hardware issue.

One day, a Mechanical Engineer, Electrical Engineer, Chemical Engineer and Computer Engineer were driving down the street in the same car.
All of a sudden, the car broke down.

The Mechanical Engineer said,
“I think a rod broke.”

The Chemical Engineer said,
“The way it sputtered at the end, I don’t think it’s getting gas.”

The Electrical Engineer said,
“I think there was a spark and something is wrong with the electrical system.”

All three turned to the computer engineer and said,
“What do you think?”

The Computer Engineer said,
“I think we should all get out and get back in.

Q: What do you call a running turkey?
A: Fast food!

Q: Why did the cranberries turn red?
A: Because they saw the turkey dressing!

Q: Why did the police arrest the turkey?
A: They suspected it of fowl play!

Q: What’s the best thing to put into a pumpkin pie?
A: Your teeth!

Q: What do you get when you cross a turkey with a banjo?
A: A turkey that can pluck itself!

Q: Why did the Pilgrims’ pants always fall down?
A: Because their belt buckles were on their hats!

Q: What did the turkey say to the computer?
A: “Google, google, google!”

Q: How can you tell if a leprechaun likes your joke?
A: He’s Dublin over with laughter!

Q: Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick’s Day?
A: Because real rocks are too heavy!

Q: Why do leprechauns hate running?
A: They’d rather jig than jog!

Warning Signs of Insanity for Programmers.

1. You stay up all night coding only to realize that you haven’t had any caffeine in about 6 hours.

2. You wonder why on earth anyone would make a programming language conform to such absolutely bizarre rules of grammar but in a strange way it actually begins to make sense.

3. You start dreaming in recursion (if you have any time to dream).

4. You realize not only is it daytime but your project is due in 2 hours, which isn’t enough time to even begin running it.

5. You start customizing your environment because you want it “just right” (and because further work on the program is futile).

6. You wonder when the invasion will begin.

7. You understand 8.

8. You start signing your name in octal (or binary) just because.

9. You know more programming commands than actual words.

10. You realize that you have reached the end, and there is no closing command.

Our staff has completed the 18 months of work on time and on budget.
We have gone through every line of code in every program in every system.
We have analyzed all databases, all data files, including backups and historic archives, and modified all data to reflect the change.
We are proud to report that we have completed the “Y-to-K” date change mission, and have now implemented all changes to all programs and all data to reflect your new standards:

Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk, August, September, October, November, December

As well as:
Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak, Thursdak, Fridak, Saturdak

I trust that this is satisfactory, because to be honest, none of this Y to K problem has made any sense to me.
But I understand it is a globalproblem, and our team is glad to help in any way possible. And what does the year 2000 have to do with it? Speaking of which, what do you think
We ought to do next year when the two digit year rolls over from 99 to 00? We’ll await your direction.

If Microsoft operated Restaurants Patron: Waiter!

Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I’ll be your Support

Waiter. What seems to be the problem?

Patron: There’s a fly in my soup!

Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won’t be there this time.

Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?

Patron: A SOUP bowl!

Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?

Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!

Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?

Overheard: Bill Gates talking with one of his financial advisor’s…

Bill says,
“You did what with my 150 million dollars? I said Snapple, not Apple!”

We had a tough day at the office yesterday.

The computers were all down and everyone had to think!

Why did the screenwriter always bring a starlet to his movie premieres?

Because she always knew how to add a twist to the plot! 🎬⭐

You Know you are Addicted to the Internet When…

• You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved, and you don’t have a clue when it happened.
• Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
• All of your friends have an @ in their names.
• Your dog has its own home page.
• You can’t call your mother… she doesn’t have a modem.
• You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
• You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.
• The last girl you asked out was only a jpeg.
• Your wife says communication is important in a marriage… so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.

An application was for employment; a program was a TV show; a cursor used profanity; a keyboard was a piano.

Memory was something you lost with age; a CD was a bank account; a hard drive was a
long road trip.

A web was a spider’s home, and a virus was the flu!

1. Home is where you hang your @.

2. The email of the species is more deadly than the mail.

3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.

4. You can’t teach a new mouse old clicks.

5. Great groups from little icons grow.

6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.

7. In some places, C:\ is the root of all directories.

8. Oh, what a tangled Website we weave when first we practice.

9. Pentium wise, pen and paper foolish.

10. The modem is the message.

11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.

12. The geek shall inherit the earth.

13. Don’t byte off more than you can view.

14. Fax is stranger than fiction.

15. What boots up must come down.

16. Windows will never cease.

17. Virtual reality is its own reward.

18. Modulation in all things.

19. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day, teach him to use the Net and he won’t bother you for weeks.

20. There’s no place like your homepage.

1. You try to enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven’t played patience with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail your work colleague at the desk next to you to ask, “Do you fancy going down the pub?” and they reply, “Yeah, give me five minutes”.

5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South America, but you haven’t spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.

6. You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date.

7. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses.

8. You consider regular mail painfully slow or call it “snail mail”.

9. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.

10. You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person.

11. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.

12. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally insert a 0 to get an outside line.

13. You’ve sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.

14. Your company welcome sign is attached with Velcro.

15. Your CV is on a diskette in your pocket.

16. You really get excited about a 1.7% pay rise.

17. You learn about your redundancy on the 6 o’clock news.

18. Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose all your best jokes.

19. Your supervisor doesn’t have the ability to do your job.

20. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.

The Yankees have a monopoly game.
The Mets have a monopoly game.
Microsoft has a monopoly, no game but a lesson for us all.

Baby, if you were a booger I’d pick you first.

Did you hear about the politician who dreamt he was making a speech, only to wake up and discover he actually was?

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define “great” he said,
“I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!”
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

My computer isn`t that nervous…it`s just a bit ANSI.

Q. Why did the spider cross the computer keyboard?

A. To get on the World Wide Web.

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when an attractive blonde neighbor came out of her house and went straight to her mailbox. She opened it, then slammed it shut, and stormed back in her house. A little later, she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, opened it and slammed it shut again. Angered, she again stormed back in her house.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out yet again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it, and then slammed it shut harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions, the man asked, “Is something wrong?” “There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps giving me a message saying “You’ve Got Mail.”

Q: Why did the coffee file a report on Monday morning?
A: Because it was mugged over the weekend! ☕️🚔😄

Q: Why did the school end early?
A: Because the clock wanted to be a little ahead in its studies! 🕒😄📚

Q: Why did the video game go to school?
A: Because it had a lot of console-ations to learn! 🎮😄

Q: Why did November break up with October?
A: Because it was tired of October always “leafing”! 🍁😄🍂

Q: Why are grapes no longer friends with prunes?
A: Because the grapes found out they could become wine, but prunes could only become wrinkled! 🍇🍷😄

Q: Why don’t hackers play hide and seek with computers?
A: Because the computers always find a backdoor! 🖥️🔓😄

Q: What did the grape say to the wine bottle?
A: “Someday, I’ll be mature enough to join you!” 🍇🍷😄

Q: Why did the orange stop rolling down the hill?
A: It ran out of juice! 🍊😂

Q: What did the grape say when it got stepped on?
A: Nothing, it just let out a little wine!

Q: Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself at the historical exhibit?
A: Because it was two-tired after carrying Napoleon and his army across Russia!

Q: Why did Napoleon always keep his hand in his coat?
A: He was checking to make sure no one “Waterloo-ted” his wallet!

Bellman, a Russian, and a German wanted to see who could swim from Europe to America the fastest. First out was the German. He swam 1 kilometer and drowned. Next came the Russian. He swam 1 mile and then drowned. Now it was Bellman’s turn and he swam and swam until he almost reached the coast but he got tired and swam back.

Bellman was pushing a heavy wheelbarrow up a hill. When he was almost at the top the wheelbarrow tipped over and Bellman got so angry that he swore out loud. Just then a priest walked by and said,
– If you use foul language, Bellman, you’ll never get to heaven.
To which Bellman replied,
– I’m not going to heaven, I’m just trying to get up this hill!

A Frenchman, a Finn and Bellman bragged about who had the tallest flagpole. ‘My flagpole is so tall that it reaches up to the clouds’, the Frenchman said. ‘My flagpole is so tall that it reaches higher than the clouds!’, the Finn said. ‘My flagpole is so tall that it pokes God in his butt!’, Bellman said.

A Dane, a Norwegian and Bellman made a wager on who could remain inside a goat pen the longest. First out was the Dane, who came out after just 10 minutes yelling ‘Damn! The goat stinks!’ After him the Norwegian went in, and after half an hour he came out yelling, ‘Damn! The goat stinks!’ Finally Bellman went in. After two hours the goat came rushing out yelling ‘Damn! Bellman stinks!’

Source: Wikipedia

A Russian, a German and Bellman wanted to see who could swim the fastest across the Atlantic. First out was the German. He swam one kilometer and drowned. Next came the Russian. He swam 10 kilometers and then he drowned. Now it was Bellman’s turn. He swam and swam until he almost reached the coast of America – then he got tired and swam back.

Source: Wikipedia

Q: What did the police officer say to his belly button?
A: “You’re under a vest!”

Q: Why did the banana go to the doctor?
A: Because it wasn’t peeling well!

Tony and Harold, two avid fisherman and well-known drunks, were out in a boat on their favorite lake one day drowning some worms and polishing off some brews.
Suddenly, Tony got what he thought was a nibble.
Reeling it in he found a bottle with a cork in it.
Naturally curious, he uncorked the bottle and a large genie appeared.
The genie said ” I will grant you one wish.” Tony thought for a second and said ” I wish this whole lake was beer.”
Poof! His wish came true. The lake was now filled with their favorite brew. Harold looked at Tony in disgust and said ” You asshole, now we have to piss in the boat.”

This man had decided to spend some time in this new and fancy resort which advertised an all inclusive do all you can kind of sejour. So he shows up at the desk , gets his key and goes to his room. Looking thru the hotel’s book he finds there are tennis courts on the premises so he calls the desk to find out how to go about playing a set or two. “Just meet the pro at the tennis shop, he will lend you all that you need and will find you someone to play with.” answered a very polite clerk. “How much is that going to cost me” the man asks So the man goes to the shop, plays tennis all afternoon. When he is done he asks the pro how much he owed. “Nothing, this is on the room.” The next day he decided to try horse backriding and again found it did not cost him a penny more than the price of the room. After a week there he had done just about everything that was available except golf. On his last day he decided to play a round so he goes to the club house, gets what he needs and starts his games. When he came back to the shop the pro asked him how the game had gone. “Not so good” the man answers, “in fact I lost 5 balls.” “Well” says the pro, “that will be $5000.00 sir.” “What do you mean $5000.00, for 5 lousy golf balls? You have to be kidding. I played an afternoon of tennis, went horse riding, scuba diving, deep sea fishing and more and was never charged a cent, and now that I have lost 5 balls you charge me $5000.00 ?” “Well” the pro says “you know, this hotel really gets you by the balls.”

Q. How do baseball players stay cool?
A. Sit next to their fans.

A woman sat down on a park bench, glanced around and decided to stretch out her legs on the seat and relax. After a while a beggar came up to her and said, ” Hello luv, how’s about us going for a walk together.”
“How dare you,” said the woman, ” I’m not one of your cheap pickups!”

“Well then,” said the beggar, ” What are you doing in my bed?”

A beggar knocked on the door of a Beverly Hills mansion. There was no immediate answer, so the bum kept knocking. For fiteen minutes he kept this up. Finally, an angry millionaire opened the door. The beggar said, “Can I have two dollars?”

“What the hell are you doing waking me up at three o’clock in the morning just for two dollars?!” demanded the millionaire.

The bum replied, “Hey! I don’t tell you how to run your business, so don’t you dare tell me how to run mine!”

Porky was eighteen years old, friendly, and eager to do things right. He had just started his first job, as a delivery boy and general at a furniture warehouse. His first task was to go out for coffee. He walked into a nearby coffee shop carrying a large thermos. When the counterman finally noticed him, he held up the thermos.
“Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?” he said.

The counterman looked at the thermos, hesitated for a few seconds, then finally said, “Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me.”

“Good,” Porky said. “Give me two regular, two black, and two decaf.”

There is a guy. His favorite bar is called ‘Sally’s Legs’. The bar is closed, so he waits outside for it to open. He was waiting a long time and a cop got suspicious, came over to him, and asked, “What are you doing?” The guy replies, “I’m waiting for ‘Sally’s Legs’ to open so I can get a drink.”

A duck walks into a bar and says ” Got any bread?”
And the barman says “No”
The next day the duck returns and says “Got any bread?”
And the barman, “No!”.
The following day the duck returns and says “Got any bread?”
“I told you yesterday, N-O NO!”
The next day the duck returns and says “Got any bread?”
“For cryin’ out loud – N-O spells NO and I mean NO! !”
The day after the duck returns and says “Got any bread?”
“Look, if you ask me one more damn time if I’ve got any bread,
I’m going to nail your damn beak to the damn bar!!”
The next day the duck returns and says “”Got any nails?”
“No!”
“Got any bread?

Q: What’s a Rastafarian’s favorite movie?
A: “Dreadpool”

Q: Why did Bob Marley refuse to drink tea?
A: He said it was always “stirring it up.”

Q: Why did the bread break up with the butter?
A: It felt they were always spread too thin!

Q: Why did the toaster join a band?
A: Because it could really “jam”!

Q: Why did the newspaper file a complaint against the computer?
A: It couldn’t handle too many “tabs”!

Q: Why did the news camera get in trouble?
A: It kept “shooting” people!

Q: Why did the political reporter get kicked out of the bar?
A: He wouldn’t stop polling people!

Q: Why did the weather reporter bring a ladder to work?
A: He wanted to finally reach new heights in his “overcast” career!

Q: What do news anchors use to brush their teeth?
A: Breaking Toothpaste!

Q: Why did the news reporter bring a pencil?
A: To draw his own conclusions!

Q: Why did the AI go to therapy?
A: It had too many “neural issues”!

Q: Why did the math book look so sad?
A: Because it had too many problems!

Q: Why did the vacuum cleaner break up with the broom?
A: It felt like it was always being “swept off its feet” but never picked up!

Q: Why did the iPhone go to therapy?
A: It couldn’t get rid of its syncing issues!

Q: Why did one friend bring a broom to the other’s house?
A: They heard their life was a mess and wanted to help clean up!

Q: Why did the friend bring string to the movie?
A: They wanted to tie together all the plot points!

Q: Why was the friend good at baseball?
A: Every time they had a problem, they’d catch it!

Q: Why did the two friends always carry a notebook?
A: They wanted to note down every moment they laughed together!

Q: Why did the two friends bring a ladder to the bar?
A: They heard the drinks were on the house!

Q: Why did the scarecrow win the world tour?
A: Because he was outstanding in his field!

Q: Why did the traveler get good grades in school?
A: Because he knew all the capitals!

Q: Why did the traveler bring a pencil to Europe?
A: To draw his own conclusions!

Q: Why did the airplane break up with the helicopter?
A: It was tired of the “chopper” always hovering around!

Q: Why did the suitcase file a police report?
A: It was robbed of its essential belongings!

Q: What comes down but never goes up?
A: Rain!

Q: The more you take, the more you leave behind. What am I?
A: Footsteps!

Q: What has one head, one foot, and four legs?
A: A bed!

Q: What gets wetter the more it dries?
A: A towel!

Q: What has keys but can’t open locks?
A: A piano!

Q: What comes once in a minute, twice in a moment, but never in a thousand years?
A: The letter ‘M’!

Q: Why did the bicycle fall over?
A: It was two-tired!

Q: What’s brown and sticky?
A: A stick!

Q: Why did the tomato turn red?
A: Because it saw the salad dressing!

Q: Why did the math book look sad?
A: Because it had too many problems!

Q: How do you organize a space party?
A: You planet!

Q: Why don’t scientists trust atoms?
A: Because they make up everything!

Q: What’s an igloo’s favorite type of music?
A: Cool jazz!

Q: Why did the scarecrow win the talent show during winter?
A: Because he was outstanding in his field, even when it was frozen!

Q: What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
A: Frosted flakes!

Q: Why did the girl bring string to the bar?
A: To tie one on when it gets too cold!

Q: How does a snowman get to work?
A: By icicle!

Q: What did one icicle say to the other icicle?
A: “You hang around here often?”

Q: What’s a doctor’s favorite type of music?
A: The OR-chestra!

Q: Why did the doctor sit on her patient’s bed?
A: She wanted to have a patient sit-down!

Q: Why did the scarecrow become a surgeon?
A: He was outstanding in his field!

Q: What do you call a doctor who fixes websites?
A: A URLologist!

Q: Why was the nurse always calm?
A: She had a lot of patients!

Q: Why did the doctor carry a red pen?
A: In case they needed to draw blood!

Q: Why did the bicycle fall over?
A: It was two-tired!

Q: What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A: A carrot!

Q: What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A: A gummy bear!

Q: Why don’t scientists trust atoms anymore?
A: Because they make up everything!

Q: Why did the tomato turn red?
A: Because it saw the salad dressing!

Q: Why did the scarecrow win an award?
A: Because he was outstanding in his field!

Q: Why did the newspaper go to therapy?
A: It had too many issues!

Q: Why did the TV go to school?
A: To improve its channels!

Q: What does a news anchor use to keep his pants up?
A: News suspenders!

Q: Why was the belt arrested on the TV show?
A: For holding up a pair of pants!

Q: How does a reporter write a story about a fan?
A: He gives it a spin!

Q: Why did the news anchor go to the bank?
A: To check his balance!

Q: What do hurricanes and marriages have in common?
A: They both begin with a lot of blowing and sucking, and in the end, you lose your house!

Q: Why did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree?
A: Hold onto your nuts; this is no ordinary blow job!

Q: Why did the weather report go to school?
A: To improve its circulation!

Q: What did one hurricane say to the other?
A: I’ve got my eye on you!

Q: What’s a hurricane’s favorite game?
A: Twister!

Q: Why did the hurricane blush?
A: It saw the Gulf Coast!

Q: Why do Earth and the other planets in our solar system never get along?
A: Because they need space!

Q: Why was the Earth so good in school?
A: It always had its geography on point!

Q: What kind of plant rules the garden?
A: The flower of the land!

Q: Why did the can crusher quit his job?
A: Because it was soda-pressing!

Q: How do trees go online?
A: They log in!

Q: Why did the tree go to the bank?
A: To start its own branch!

Q: What does a snowman eat for breakfast?
A: Frosted Flakes!

Q: Why did the dog sit in the shade?
A: He didn’t want to be a hot dog!

Q: What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A: A flat minor!

Q: Why did the bee get married?
A: He found his honey!

Q: How do you make an egg laugh?
A: Tell it a yolk!

Q: Why did the coffee file a police report?
A: It got mugged!

Q: How do you call an eye that can’t decide on its color?
A: An “iRis-decisive”!

Q: Why did the eye join the circus?
A: It was a great pupil of the art of clowning!

Q: Why did the eye bring a suitcase to the optometrist?
A: It was packed with baggage.

Q: Why did the eye lash out at the nose?
A: It was tired of being looked down upon!

Q: Why did the eye go to school?
A: To improve its pupil performance!

Q: What did one eye say to the other eye?
A: Between you and me, something smells.

Q: Why don’t lawyers go to the beach?
A: Cats keep trying to bury them in the sand!

Q: What do honest lawyers and UFOs have in common?
A: You always hear about them, but you never see them.

Q: Why did the scarecrow become a lawyer?
A: He was outstanding in his field!

Q: What did the lawyer name his daughter?
A: Sue!

Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
A: The lawyer charges more.

Q: How does an attorney sleep?
A: First they lie on one side, then they lie on the other side.

Q: Why did Mel always carry a tune?
A: Because Mel-ody is in her name!

Q: Why was Sue always sticky?
A: Because she’s a sweetheart!

Q: What did the cat named Frank say after eating a mouse?
A: That was “frankly” delicious!

Q: Why was Earl always first to class?
A: Because “Earl-y” is his middle name!

Q: What do you call someone who steals money?
A: A robber. What do you call someone who sends you a bill? Robbert!

Q: What do you call it when Adam takes out the trash?
A: Adam’s duty!

Q: What do you call a cow with no legs?
A: Ground beef!

Q: What do you call a pile of kittens?
A: A meowtain!

Q: What room do ghosts avoid?
A: The living room!

Q: What do you call a fish with a bowtie?
A: Sofishticated!

Q: What do you call fake spaghetti?
A: An “impasta”!

Q: What do you get when you cross a canary and a lawnmower?
A: Shredded tweet!

Q: Why do movie stars always stay cool?
A: Because they have so many fans!

Q: Why was the belt cast in the movie?
A: It was a cinch for the role!

Q: Why did the actor storm out of the theater?
A: He was in a scene and not herd!

Q: How do you organize a space movie party?
A: You planet!

Q: Why did the movie director go to the beach?
A: To shoot the sunset scene!

Q: Why don’t secrets last long in a movie theater?
A: Because there’s too much popcorn!

Q: What’s a volcano’s favorite instrument?
A: The bass! It loves those deep explosive notes!

Q: Why did the geologist go to the volcano?
A: For the uplifting experience!

Q: Why did the volcano blush?
A: It saw the earth’s crust!

Q: What’s a volcano’s favorite kind of candy?
A: Anything that’s pop rocks!

Q: Why did the volcano apply for a job?
A: It wanted to become erupt-ly employed!

Q: Why did the volcano break up with the mountain?
A: It wanted someone with more depth!

Q: Why did the LED go to school?
A: To improve its bright future!

Q: Why was the chandelier hanging out with the lamp?
A: It needed a little light conversation!

Q: What did the light say when it was turned off?
A: “I’m delighted!”

Q: Why did the flashlight get a ticket?
A: It didn’t stop on a flash!

Q: How do you mend a broken lamp?
A: With light adhesive!

Q: Why did the light bulb fail its class?
A: It wasn’t too bright!

Q: What’s a skeleton’s favorite classic book?
A: “The Bone Collector.”

Q: Why was the computer cold at the library?
A: It had too many windows open, ruining the plot!

Q: Why did the math book look sad?
A: It had too many problems!

Q: Why did the tomato turn red?
A: Because it saw the salad dressing! (It’s a short story!)

Q: How do you make a book stand?
A: Take away its chair!

Q: Why did the scarecrow become a writer?
A: Because he was outstanding in his field!

Q: Why did the flame go to the party?
A: To light up the mood!

Q: What did the HVAC tech say when he fixed the heater?
A: “It’s not the heat, it’s the humility.”

Q: Why was the boiler always calm?
A: Because it had a lot of inner steam!

Q: Why did the furnace apply for a job?
A: It wanted to be a professional heat seeker!

Q: What did the radiator say to the thermostat?
A: “You really turn me on!”

Q: Why did the heater go to school?
A: To become a little hotter!

Q: Why did the mechanical engineer get kicked out of the gardening club?
A: Because he kept trying to plant gears!

Q: Why did the civil engineer refuse to play cards?
A: He was worried about the high stakes of bridge!

Q: Why did the software engineer go broke?
A: Because he used up all his cache!

Q: How did the engineer demonstrate the law of diminishing returns?
A: He brought a scale to the donut shop!

Q: Why don’t electrical engineers make good comedians?
A: Resistance is futile to their kind of humor!

Q: Why did the engineer go to art school?
A: Because he wanted to draw up some support!

Q: Why did the musical note say “happy birthday”?
A: Because it was in a good “key” mood!

Q: What do cats give each other for birthdays?
A: “Purr-sents!”

Q: Why did the birthday boy bring a ladder to the bar?
A: He heard the drinks were on the house!

Q: Why did the balloon go near the computer?
A: To get a “byte” of the birthday cake!

Q: What do you always get on your birthday?
A: Another year older!

Q: How do you organize a fantastic birthday party?
A: You “cake” it one step at a time!

Q: Why did the old man put candles on the toilet?
A: He wanted to have a birthday potty!

Q: Why did the birthday cake visit the doctor?
A: Because it was feeling crumby!

Q: What did one candle say to the other?
A: “Don’t birthdays burn you up?”

Q: Why did the credit analyst avoid making jokes?
A: He didn’t want to risk a bad rating!

Q: Why did the piggy bank go to the doctor?
A: It was feeling a little stuffed up!

Q: What’s a hedge fund manager’s favorite type of music?
A: Heavy metal… they love bands!

Q: Why did the ATM keep taking breaks?
A: It suffered from cash withdrawals!

Q: What coin is always unhappy?
A: A penny for your thoughts!

Q: Why did the dollar break up with the penny?
A: Because it found out she was just small change!

Q: What did the cheese say after escaping the mouse?
A: I’m gouda!

Q: Why did the duck get detention?
A: For quacking in class!

Q: Why did the baker go to jail?
A: He was caught rolling in the dough!

Q: Why did the musician break up with the metronome?
A: She couldn’t keep the beat!

Q: How do you organize a space party?
A: You planet!

Q: Why don’t oysters donate to charity?
A: Because they’re shellfish!

Q: Why did the computer keep freezing?
A: It had too many “windows” open, just like a multitasking parent!

Q: Why did the math book look sad?
A: Because it had too many parent-teacher conference “problems.”

Q: Why did the parent’s favorite game become hide and seek?
A: It was the only way to enjoy a moment of peace and quiet!

Q: Why did the scarecrow become a parent?
A: Because he was outstanding in his “field” of patience during dinner time!

Q: How do you make a tissue dance?
A: Put a little “boogie” in it! (Parents will understand.)

Q: Why did the parent bring string to the café?
A: They wanted to tie up some “loose ends” during their five-minute break!

Q: Why did the tomato turn red?
A: Because it saw the mushroom salad dressing!

Q: How do mushrooms send their mail?
A: Via spore-al delivery!

Q: What do you call a mushroom with a strong personality?
A: A Shiitake leader!

Q: Why did the mushroom always get invited to pizza parties?
A: Because he was such a great topping!

Q: What’s a mushroom’s favorite type of music?
A: Mushroom-bop!

Q: Why did the mushroom go to the party?
A: Because he was a fun-gi!

Q: Why did the banana go to the doctor?
A: It wasn’t peeling very well!

Q: What kind of apple has a short temper?
A: A crabapple!

Q: What does a lemon say when it answers the phone?
A: Yellow!

Q: Why did the watermelon start a school?
A: It wanted to become a watermelon-dictorian!

Q: What fruit loves to go to school?
A: A scholar-berry!

Q: What did one grape say to the other grape when it got stepped on?
A: Nothing, it just let out a little “whine”!

Q: What are squirrels giving each other for Valentine’s Day?
A: Deez Nuts!

Q: What kind of nuts always seems to have a cold?
A: Sneez Nuts!

Q: Do you have that book about tiny creatures in your garden?
A: Which one?
A: “Deez Bugs.”

Q: What do you call nuts on a chest?
A: Chestnuts.
Q: What about nuts on a wall?
A: Walnuts.
Q: And nuts on your chin?
A: Deez Nuts!

Q: Do you know what my grandpa said before he kicked the bucket?
A: Wonder how far I can kick Deez Nuts!

Q: Have you seen my squirrel toy?
A: No, what does it do?
A: Grabs Deez Nuts!

Q: What’s in the new trail mix?
A: Raisins, chocolate, and Deez Nuts!

Q: Do you know the leading cause of dry skin?
A: Towelz and Deez Nuts!

Q: What’s the title of the new documentary on nuts?
A: Deez Nuts: A True Story.

Q: What did the almond say to the peanut?
A: Deez Nuts!

Why did the tree hate autumn?
It felt stripped of its dignity!

Why did the wind get invited to the fall party?
Because it always blows everyone away!

Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field!

Why did the pumpkin sit with the sun?
It wanted to be a little “latte” tanned!

Why did the tree say goodbye to the leaves?
It was time to “leaf” them behind!

Why did the shopping cart break up with the supermarket?
It felt pushed around all the time!

Why did the chicken sit on the computer?
It wanted to keep an eye on the chicken cursor!

Why did the computer keep losing at Minesweeper?
It couldn’t handle the pressure of a mouse click!

Why did the computer keep going to Yahoo! for answers?
Because Google was feeling lucky and Bing was just a sound it made when turned on!

Why did Flappy Bird get kicked out of school?

He was always winging his tests!

Why do water never trust the mountains?

Because they have peaky leaks!

Why did the bird join Twitter?

It already had the tweets!

Why were chainsaws invented?

To give trees a buzzcut!

Why did Monday bring sunglasses to work?
It wanted to have a bright start!

Why did the scarecrow move to Michigan?
Because it heard Detroit had a lot of fields!

How do you know someone’s from Michigan?
They show you where they live on their hand!

Why did the Michigan weather report go viral?
Because it had all four seasons in one day!

What’s a Michiganer’s favorite type of math?
Snow-pluse and minuses!

Why did the football team go to Michigan?
They heard the state was in the “mitt” of a winning streak!

Why did Ronaldo bring string to the soccer match?

To tie the score!

Why did the salt get in trouble at school?
It kept pouring on the sass!

What did the sea say to the salt?
Stop seasoning me!

Why did the pepper tell the salt to stop being so moody?
Because it was too salty!

How does the ocean greet the salt?
With a salty wave!

Why did the salt go to the doctor?
It had high sodium pressure!

Accident, Maryland, USA
Why, Arizona, USA
No Name, Colorado, USA
Boring, Oregon, USA
Dull, Scotland, UK
Bland, New South Wales, Australia
Hell, Michigan, USA
Peculiar, Missouri, USA
Truth or Consequences, New Mexico, USA
Ding Dong, Texas, USA
Cool, California, USA
Batman, Turkey
Middelfart, Denmark
Intercourse, Pennsylvania, USA
Hot Coffee, Mississippi, USA
Climax, Michigan, USA
Spread Eagle, Wisconsin, USA
Santa Claus, Indiana, USA

Anita Bath
Al Bino
Ivana Tinkle
Ben Dover
Drew Peacock
Ima Hogg
Hugh Jass
Barb Dwyer
Anna Sasin
Seymour Butts
Chris P. Bacon
Harry Baals
Holly Wood
Paige Turner
Terry Bull
Lou Zar
Dee Sember
Warren Peace
Will Power
Eileen Dover

What do you call a baby potato?
A tater tot!

Why did the potato go to the party?
Because it was a mashed hit!

How do you describe an angry potato?
Boiling mad!

Why did the ketchup turn red?
It saw the salad dressing!

What did one tomato say to the other tomato during a race?
“You go ahead, I’ll ketchup!”

Why did the ketchup go to school?
To become a little saucier!

Why did the beard get promoted?

Because it grew on the boss!

Why did the smartphone go to school?

It wanted to improve its “cell-f” esteem!

Why did the image go to therapy?
It had too many layers of issues!

How do Photoshop experts flirt?
“Are you a magic wand? Because every time I select you, everything else disappears.”

Why was the pixel upset at the vector?
Every time they argued, the vector kept saying, “It’s just not that clear cut!”

Why did the basketball team go to the bank?
To get their bounce checks!

Why did the basketball apply for a job?
It wanted to get picked up!

Why was the basketball court wet?
Because the players kept dribbling!

Why did the basketball team go to art school?
They wanted to draw fouls!

Why was the basketball player bad at math?
He thought a “full court press” was a juice machine!

What do you call a truck that’s great at singing?

A pickup artist!

Why did the chicken join a band?
Because it had the drumsticks!

Why did the chicken go to the séance?
To talk to the other side!

Why did the rubber chicken cross the road?
To stretch its legs!

What do chicken families do on Saturday afternoon?
They go on peck-nics!

Why did the turkey join the band?
Because it had the drumsticks, but the chicken took all the credit!

Why did the chicken sit on the egg?
Because it didn’t have a chair!

How do you know if a chicken is on vacation?
It uses its “egg-spert” travel agent!

Why did the chicken go to the library?
It wanted a book on “egg-citing” adventures!

Why did the chicken get detention?
For using fowl language!

What did the chicken say after laying a square egg?
“Ouch!”

Why was the cat sitting on the computer?
It wanted to keep an eye on the mouse!

What do you call a pile of kittens?
A meow-tain!

Why did the cat run from the tree?
It wanted to get down before the bark!

Why did Pandora’s box go to therapy?

It had too many secrets it couldn’t contain!

Why did the emoji avoid Skype calls?

It didn’t want to show its true “face”!

Why did the shorts get promoted?

Because they were outstanding in their field!

Why did the Sudoku puzzle go to the therapist?

It had too many unresolved issues!

Why did the wine go to school?

To become a little more refined!

Why did Wonder Woman get kicked out of the poker game?

Every time she had a good hand, her Lasso of Truth gave it away!

Why did the car apply for anger management?

It had too many road rage issues!

Why did the Wikipedia article go on a date?

To find a reliable source!

Why did the time traveler attend school five times?
He was trying to get his history right!

Why did the time traveler bring a pencil to his journey?
In case he needed to “rewind” history!

“Why did the old book go to the doctor?”
It said, “I have a bad case of history!”
The ancient scroll added, “I’ve been feeling a bit unwound too.”

An old sundial was asked about its morning routine.
It replied, “I used to be the wake-up call!”
The hourglass chimed in, “Those were the days, but time sands still for no one.”

Two old records were reminiscing.
One said, “Remember the good old days of vinyl?”
The other responded, “Absolutely, those were the real spin times!”

Monday received a letter from the weekend.
It read, “See you in six days!”
Monday responded, “The countdown begins!”

The calendar was asked about its least favorite day.
It said, “I can’t decide between Monday and February 29th!”
The planner replied, “At least Monday comes around more often!”

“Why was Monday feeling blue?”
Tuesday replied, “Because it has too many weak days ahead!”
Wednesday added, “And it’s always a week start!”

Monday bumped into Sunday at the calendar party.
Sunday said, “Long time no see!”
Monday sighed, “It’s always just a week for us.”

“Why did the alarm clock feel guilty on Monday?”
It said, “I just hate being the bearer of bad news!”
The snooze button added, “I’m the only one they like on Mondays.”

A cup of coffee was asked about its favorite day.
It replied, “Definitely Monday!”
The tea cup responded, “You always have such a strong presence then!”

A book was asked about its weight loss secret.
It said, “I got rid of the appendix!”
The magazine replied, “I’ve always been thin on content!”

“Why did the bulb fail its exam?”
Another bulb responded, “Probably because it wasn’t too bright!”
The flashlight added, “Some just can’t handle the spotlight.”

A cup of tea was asked its favorite music.
It replied, “I prefer the tea-jazz!”
Coffee chimed in, “I’m more into brews and rock!”

Two steaks were discussing their favorite games.
One said, “I love hide and seek!”
The other replied, “Yes, but I’m always medium rare to be found.”

A clock was complimented on its speed.
It said, “Time flies when you’re having fun!”
The calendar replied, “Months at a time!”

An egg was asked about its day.
It replied, “It’s been eggceptional!”
Another egg said, “You crack me up!”

A batsman visited a nutritionist.
The nutritionist advised, “Eat more greens.”
The batsman responded, “I’ve been trying, but the fielders keep catching them!”

Two batsmen were at a restaurant.
One said, “I’m having the chicken run.”
The other replied, “As long as it’s not a run out!”

A cricket stumps manufacturer opened a fashion store.
A customer asked, “Why sell clothes?”
The owner replied, “Because every outfit here is a hit!”

“Why did the cricket fielder go to school?”
His coach said, “To improve his catching skills!”
The fielder responded, “Actually, I just wanted to catch a break.”

A fast bowler went to a bakery.
The baker asked, “What would you like?”
The bowler replied, “Some buns, but please don’t serve them with a flat pitch!”

“Why do programmers always get confused between their age and 128?”
“Because that’s a bit of a difference!”

A programmer went to a grocery store.
The clerk asked, “Why are you buying 1000 items?”
The programmer replied, “I’m just trying to initialize my array.”

A programmer was spotted at a movie theater.
His friend asked, “Watching ‘A Bug’s Life’?”
The programmer sighed, “No, just trying to find inspiration for debugging.”

Two programmers went to a restaurant.
The waiter asked, “What will you have?”
One said, “I’ll have the infinite loop pasta!”
The waiter responded, “It’s endless, just like your code!”

“Why do programmers always mix up Christmas and Halloween?”
Another responded, “Because Oct 31 = Dec 25.”

A programmer took a cup of coffee to his workspace.
His colleague asked, “Working on Java?”
The programmer replied, “How did you guess?”

Thursday went to a theater.
The ticket collector said, “Enjoy the show!”
Thursday replied, “Thanks! But I’m just here for the previews before the main event on Friday.”

Wednesday said to Thursday,
“Why are you always so happy?”
Thursday grinned, “Because every time I show up, it means Friday is just a sleep away!”

Monday asked Thursday,
“Why do you always seem confused?”
Thursday responded, “People keep thinking I’m Friday in disguise.”

A tired worker said on a Thursday,
“I can’t believe it’s not Friday!”
His colleague replied, “Hold on, Thursday’s the Friday eve!”

Thursday was chatting with Friday.
“Why do people always look back on me?” Thursday wondered.
Friday responded, “Because you’re always a throwback!”

On a hot Thursday afternoon, the calendar said to the water cooler,
“Is it just me or are we close to the weekend?”
The water cooler replied, “Stay hydrated, Friday’s on the horizon!”

The square root of 4 walked into a bar.
The bartender said, “Two drinks coming up!”
The root replied, “You figured me out.”

Pi walked into a bakery.
The baker asked, “How many pies?”
Pi replied, “It’s a never-ending story.”

A decimal went to a dance party.
Another number asked, “Why don’t you settle down?”
The decimal replied, “I’m always trying to get a point across.”

Why did X go to school?
It wanted to find its value.

A right angle wrote a love letter.
It said, “Dear acute angle, you make my heart feel 90 degrees warmer.”

A triangle went to a barbershop.
The barber asked, “What kind of cut?”
The triangle said, “Just take a little off the angles.”

A circle was feeling down.
A friend asked, “What’s wrong?”
The circle replied, “I’m just going around in circles.”

Six bumped into Seven at a party.
Seven said, “Hey, buddy!”
Six replied, “Stay away! I’ve heard stories about you.”

Two parallel lines met.
One said, “Let’s be friends!”
The other replied, “Sorry, we’ll never meet.”

A ping pong ball said to a tennis ball,
“Why are you so much bigger than me?”
The tennis ball replied, “Because I have bigger court issues!”

A volleyball visited the beach.
Another ball asked, “First time here?”
The volleyball replied, “No, I’m just here for the net-working.”

A golf ball went to a therapist.
The therapist asked, “What’s the problem?”
The golf ball sighed, “I’m in a hole.”

A soccer ball was feeling down.
His friend asked, “What happened?”
He replied, “I’ve just been kicked around too much.”

A basketball walked into a bar.
The bartender said, “Why the long bounce?”
The basketball replied, “Just dribbling around.”

A cookie tried to open a bank account. The banker said, “Sorry, we can’t serve you.” The cookie asked, “Why not?” The banker replied, “You’re already a bit crumbled, and we can’t risk more breakage.”

A check walked into a bar. The bartender said, “Sorry, we don’t serve your kind here.” The check, feeling dejected, replied, “Guess I’ll just bounce then.”

A river went to the bank to open an account. The teller asked, “What’s the purpose?” The river replied, “Just trying to go with the flow.”

Two dollar bills were chatting in a wallet.
One said, “I’m so bored, I’ve been stuck here for weeks.”
The other replied, “Be patient. We’re just earning our interest.”

A bank manager was feeling down about his job.
His friend asked, “What’s wrong?”
The manager replied, “Every time I offer someone a loan, they just lose interest.”

Superman was thinking about a career change. He went to a music store and picked up a guitar. The shopkeeper said, “Rock on, Superman!” Superman replied, “Well, I was thinking more of ‘Air Guitar’ champion.”

Clark Kent was getting tired of his day job. He said to Lois Lane, “Maybe I should start a delivery service. I’d be the fastest.” Lois replied, “You’d be ‘Super-Amazon Prime’!” Superman chuckled, “Free shipping for everyone!”

Superman was chatting with Wonder Woman. “Every time I fly, birds get scared and fly away,” he lamented. Wonder Woman replied, “Maybe it’s because they think you’re a really big bird with a fashion statement.” Superman just sighed, “It’s always the cape, isn’t it?”

Superman was feeling a bit down one day. He went to see Batman for advice. Batman told him, “Maybe you should try flying without the cape.” Superman replied, “And risk getting a cold? No way!”

Why did the car apply for a job? It wanted to quit being a junker and start making some gas money!

Why did the shopping cart go to therapy? It had too much baggage!

Why was the computer cold at the store? It had too many windows open!

Why did the belt get arrested? It was holding up a pair of pants in the store!

I went to buy some camouflage pants, but I couldn’t find any.

Why did the scarecrow win an award at the supermarket? He was outstanding in his field of produce!

I told my wife she was spending too much time at the shoe store. Now I’m in sole trouble.

Why do shoppers love the music at department stores? It’s always in-store!

I went to the store to buy a new book on anti-gravity. I couldn’t put it down!

Did you hear about the corduroy pillow? It made headlines in the home goods section!

“I found a great deal on broken pencils today!” “Nevermind, it’s pointless.”

Why did Batman never use smartphones?
Because the Bat-Signal was his favorite way to get a call!

Why did Batman and Robin never use smartphones?
Because the Bat-Signal wasn’t on Airplane Mode!

Why was Batman so good at baseball?
Because he’s a natural at batting!

What does Batman put in his beverages?
Just-ice.

Why did Batman and Robin skip lunch?
Because the Bat-Bite was too small!

Why did Batman never make it as a musician?
Every time he played a note, it was always too “dark.”

How does Batman take his coffee?
Black. Just like his cape.

Why did Batman feel so neutral about everything?
Because he always saw the world in black and white!

Why couldn’t Batman go fishing?
Because Robin ate all the worms!

Why did Batman always carry an umbrella?
In case it rained on his parade (of villains)!

Why don’t lighthouses ever go to college?
Because they’re already bright enough!

Why did the lighthouse break up with the ship?
Because it was tired of being taken for “granite”!

Why did the lighthouse say to the ship?
I’ve been “beaconing” you for hours!

Why are lighthouses such bad gossips?
Because they always spill the “beacon”!

Why did the lighthouse refuse to play hide and seek?
Because it was always spotted!

What do you call a lighthouse’s bad day?
A “fright-house”!

Why did the lighthouse become a musician?
Because it loved to play the “beacons”!

Why did the lighthouse go to therapy?
It needed help with its “beacon-ing” issues!

Why don’t lighthouses make good detectives?
Because they always let their light “shine” on the suspect!

Why did the lighthouse blush?
Because it saw the ship’s bottom!

Why don’t lighthouses ever lose at poker?
Because they always have a good “hand”le on the situation!

Why was the lighthouse a terrible chef?
Because it always over-“beacons” the meat!

What do you call a scared lighthouse?
A “fright”-house!

Why did the lighthouse refuse to play chess?
Because it was tired of being a “pawn”!

Why did the lighthouse never get lonely?
It always had a “light” companion!

Why don’t shirts ever get lost?
Because they always follow the top route!

Why was the belt arrested?
Because it was holding up a pair of pants!

Why did the sweater go to summer school?
Because it had too many “loops” to cover!

What’s a dress’s favorite part of a joke?
The “hem”-ing and hawing!

Why don’t shoes ever believe anything?
Because they always suspect “tongue”-in-cheek humor!

Why did the hat go to college?
Because it wanted to get a “cap”-tivating education!

Why did the necktie make a great detective?
Because it always goes straight to the neck of the matter!

Why did the scarf end its relationship with the hat?
Because it felt “smothered”!

Why was the shoe a great musician?
Because it had perfect “tongue”-ing!

Why do clothes always stick together?
Because they have great “seams”!

Why did the computer go to art school?
Because it wanted to learn how to draw better Google Doodles!

Why can’t Google ever lose an argument?
Because it always has search results to back it up!

Why did Google go to school?
Because it wanted to improve its search engine ranking in class!

Why was the SEO expert happy to work at Google?
Because he knew all the “keywords” to success!

Why did Google date Bing?
They thought opposites attract, but they ended up just searching for something better!

Why do Google employees never get lost?
Because they have access to Google Maps 24/7!

Why did Google go to therapy?
It had too many issues with cookies and cache!

What did the frustrated computer user say to Google?
“You’re the only search engine for me, but sometimes you just don’t understand my queries!”

Why don’t Google employees ever have to set alarms?
Because Google Calendar sends them enough reminders!

Why was Google Chrome so popular at the party?
Because it knew all the best sites to hang out!

Why don’t math books ever get to have fun on the first day of school?

Because they’re always full of problems!

Why did the tomato turn red in the kitchen?

Because it saw the salad dressing!

Why don’t chefs ever play hide and seek?

Because good luck hiding when the timer’s going off!

Why is duct tape like “The Force”?
Because it has a dark side, a light side, and it holds the universe together!

Why don’t ducks ever get stuck?
Because they always carry their own “duck tape”!

Why don’t ninjas make good comedians?
Because their punchlines are too fast to catch!

What’s a ninja’s favorite type of shoes?
Sneakers, of course!

Why did the ninja bring a ladder to the bar?
Because he heard the drinks were on the house!

Why don’t ninjas get locked out of their houses?
Because they always have the “key”-ai!

Why was the ninja good at baseball?
Because he always had a “stealth”-y swing!

How do you know a ninja has been in your house?
You don’t, until it’s too late!

Why did the ninja go to school?
To improve his “ninja-telligence”!

Why are ninjas always calm?
Because they have mastered the “art of peace”!

Why did the ninja bring two swords to the fight?
Because two swords are better than “one”-do!

Why do ninjas always carry a map?
Because they don’t like to be “caught off guard”!

Who’s always ready to lend you a hand?
Joe Mama!

Who’s the best cook in town?
Joe Mama!

Who’s always there to listen to your problems?
Joe Mama!

Who gives the warmest hugs?
Joe Mama!

Who can always cheer you up when you’re feeling blue?
Joe Mama!

Who’s got an unbeatable smile?
Joe Mama!

Who’s always there to pick you up from school?
Joe Mama!

Who makes the best apple pie?
Joe Mama!

Who’s the biggest fan of your music band?
Joe Mama!

Who knows all the lyrics to your favorite songs?
Joe Mama!

Who always makes sure you’ve got clean clothes?
Joe Mama!

Who’s an expert at fixing things around the house?
Joe Mama!

Who can tuck you in bed just right?
Joe Mama!

Who can make any place feel like home?
Joe Mama!

Who’s got the best life advice?
Joe Mama!

Why did the blogger break up with Joomla and move to WordPress?
Because he found a better connection with WordPress, it’s more user-friendly!

Why was the WordPress website acting crazy?
Because it couldn’t decide on which theme to wear!

Why do WordPress users have an edge in debates?
Because they always have a “plug-in” for their argument!

Why did WordPress go to the party?
Because it heard there was going to be a “hosting”!

Why did the developer go broke?
Because he spent all his money on premium WordPress themes!

Why was the WordPress website good at baseball?
Because it always hit the right “tags”!

What do WordPress and a good restaurant have in common?
They both need to serve “cookies”!

Why was WordPress worried about its diet?
Because it had too many “cookies”!

Why did the WordPress site get an award?
Because it was outstanding in its “field” (custom field, that is)!

Why did the developer date WordPress?
Because it had all the right “features”!

Why did the cow move to New York City?
It wanted to see the moosicals on Broadway!

Why don’t cows play hide and seek?
Because they always have a beef with the person counting!

Why did the cow start eating healthier?
It wanted to be outstanding in its field!

Why did the cow go to outer space?
It wanted to see if the moon was really made of cheese!

What is a cow’s favorite subject in school?
Moo-sic!

Why don’t cows have money?
Because farmers milk them dry!

Why don’t violins get invited to summer parties?
Because they always bring their own strings attached!

What’s a violin’s favorite type of story?
A fiddle-faddle tale!

Why did the violin go to therapy?
It had too many bowed emotions!

What’s the difference between a violin and a fiddle?
The amount of beer that gets spilled on them!

How do you keep your violin from being stolen?
Put it in a viola case!

What do you call a violin that never listens to its teacher?
A viola-tor of rules!

Why was the violin a great musician?
Because it always knew the score!

Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
Because he was Haydn!

Why was the violin always picked last in gym class?
It could never catch a tune!

What’s a violin’s favorite type of joke?
A bow-lly good one!

Why did the violin go to jail?
Because it was caught playing high notes on the roof!

Why don’t violins like to go to school?
Because they prefer to be home-schooled!

Why was the violin good at math?
Because it always counted its rests!

What do you call a violin with a bad attitude?
A fiddle fit!

Why was the violin always late?
It was too busy fiddling around!

Why did the violin get in trouble at school?
It couldn’t keep its notes straight!

Why did the violin go to the bar?
To have a few bow shots!

What’s a violin’s favorite part of a song?
The “string” section!

Why was the violin a great diplomat?
Because it could always find a way to strike a chord!

Why did the violin go on a diet?
It was tired of its “waist” line!

January: Why did January go to school with February?
Because he couldn’t make it through the winter alone!

February: Why does everyone love February?
Because it’s so charming, it can win over the year in just 28 days!

March: Why did March become a musician?
Because it’s always in tune, coming in like a lion and going out like a lamb!

April: Why is April the toughest month?
Because it showers even when it’s not crying!

May: Why is everyone so polite to May?
Because it always asks “May I?” before stepping into the year!

June: Why did the sun break up with June?
Because it was tired of long daylight hours and needed some space!

July: Why is July the funniest month?
Because it always cracks everyone up at the summer barbecues!

August: Why did August get a ticket?
Because it was caught speeding through summer!

September: Why is September so smart?
Because it always knows when it’s time to go back to school!

October: Why did October dress up as a ghost?
Because it’s always trying to scare away the year!

November: Why is November so generous?
Because it always gives thanks!

December: Why did December apply for a job at the bakery?
Because it makes the best rolls – snow rolls!

Why is 69 afraid of 70?
Because they once had a fight and 70 won!

Why did 69 take a break from its job?
It was feeling overworked – it already had too many responsibilities at home!

Why do math students like the number 69?
Because it’s a perfectly reciprocal number – it looks the same upside down!

Why did the number 69 apply sunscreen?
Because it didn’t want to turn into 70!

Why is 69 always the star at the party?
Because it’s always in the center of the number line dance!

Why don’t mathematicians ever have to solve family problems?

Because for them, all problems are as easy as “pi”!

Santa: Why don’t we ever see elephants hiding in trees?
Banta: I don’t know, why?
Santa: Because they’re really good at it!

Banta: Santa, do you know how to keep a fool in suspense?
Santa: No, how?
Banta: I’ll tell you tomorrow!

Santa: I’ve swallowed a lot of food coloring.
Banta: Are you feeling okay?
Santa: I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

Banta: Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?
Santa: No, what happened?
Banta: He’s all right now.

Santa: I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger.
Banta: And then?
Santa: Then it hit me!

Banta: Why did the bicycle fall over?
Santa: I have no idea.
Banta: Because it was two-tired!

Santa: I have a great joke about time travel.
Banta: Let’s hear it!
Santa: But you didn’t like it.

Banta: Why don’t scientists trust atoms?
Santa: I don’t know, why?
Banta: Because they make up everything!

Santa: What do you call fake spaghetti?
Banta: I’m not sure, what?
Santa: An impasta!

Banta: How does a train eat?
Santa: I don’t know, how?
Banta: It goes chew, chew!

Santa: I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes…
Banta: How did she react?
Santa: She gave me a hug!

Banta: Why don’t you ever play hide and seek with mountains?
Santa: Why not?
Banta: Because they always peak!

Santa: What happens when you talk to a cow?
Banta: What?
Santa: It goes in one ear and out the udder!

Banta: Why don’t some fish play piano?
Santa: Why?
Banta: They’re afraid of the keys!

Santa: I’d tell you a joke about a broken pencil…
Banta: Go on.
Santa: Never mind, it’s pointless!

It’s hotter than a firefighter’s practice dummy out here!

It’s hotter than a popcorn kernel at the bottom of the bag!

It’s hotter than a jalapeno’s armpit!

It’s hotter than a blister bug in a pepper patch!

It’s hotter than the hinges on the gates of Hades!

It’s hotter than a cat on a hot tin roof!

It’s hotter than the sweatband in a fireman’s helmet!

It’s hotter than a furnace in Death Valley!

It’s hotter than two foxes in a wool sack!

It’s hotter than a pepper sprout in a salsa dance competition!

Why don’t museums allow balloon animals?
Because they’re worried about pop art!

What do you call a cat who lives in a museum?
A curator, because it’s always curating a collection of mice!

Why did the painting go to jail?
Because it was framed!

What did the museum curator say when he dropped a fossil?
“I’ve made a grave mistake!”

Why was the museum so noisy?
All the art works were making a scene!

Why did the dinosaur go to the art museum?
He wanted to see the “rexhibits”!

Why was the mummy a great museum guide?
He knew the place inside and out!

Why don’t mummies visit museums?
They’re afraid they’ll run into old friends!

What’s a ghost’s favorite room in a museum?
The scare-itage site!

What did the painting say to the sculpture in the museum?
“I think I’ve seen you somewhere before!”

Why did Grandma start walking five miles a day?
She’s now 97 years old and we have no idea where she is!

Why did Grandma wear her sunglasses to the bingo game?
Because she has a flair for the dramatic and wanted to have a ‘bingo moment’!

Why are grandma’s cookies so popular on the internet?
Because they’re cookies that accept all visitors!

Why does grandma wake up at 4 am?
She didn’t want to sleep through her 5 am nap!

What did grandma say when she saw the spaghetti boiling over?
“Looks like pasta la vista, baby!”

Why did Grandma put her iPad into the blender?
She wanted to make apple juice!

Why did the redneck take a nap on his roof in the summer?
He thought it was the best way to get a full-body sun tan!

Why did the redneck go fishing in his bathtub during the summer?
He wanted to try out his new diving board, but it was just too hot outside!

Why did the redneck bring a fan to his BBQ?
Because he heard that it really helps with the grillin’ and chillin’!

Why don’t bears like fast food?
Because they can’t catch it!

What do you call a bear without any teeth?
A gummy bear!

What do you call a bear caught out in the rain?
A drizzly bear!

Why do bears have fur coats?
Because they’d look silly in sweaters!

What’s a bear’s favorite drink?
Koka-Koala!

What do you call a bear with no ears?
B!

Why do pandas like old movies?
Because they’re in black and white!

What do you call a bear that jumps but never lands?
Peter Panda!

How do you start a teddy bear race?
Ready, teddy, go!

Why don’t bears wear socks?
Because they have bear feet!

Why do computer hackers like to golf?
Because they’re great at driving and putting but really shine on the back nine when cracking the password!

How does a computer know if it has a good password?
It looks to see if it’s got character.

What’s a computer’s least favorite food?
A sloppy password.

What’s a hacker’s favorite type of password?
Yours.

Why did the hacker go broke?
Because he gave up all his cache for an easy password!

What does a polite password say?
Pardon me, but can you type me again?

What’s a ghost’s favorite type of password?
One that’s got a lot of spirit!

Why did the password get in trouble in school?
It couldn’t behave and kept breaking the rules!

What’s a cat’s favorite password?
“Claw1234”.

Why was the password bad at the game hide and seek?
Because it was always getting cracked!

Why don’t keyboards ever sleep?
Because they have two shifts!

Why was the keyboard feeling proud?
Because it has so many “caps”!

Why was the computer cold?
It left its Windows open and let in a draft!

What do you call a keyboard that can sing?
A Dell!

Why was the keyboard always losing at poker?
Because it kept showing a pair of Aces and a few 2s, 3s, and 4s!

Why can’t basketball players go on vacation?
Because they’d get called for traveling!

Why did the rubber ball go to school?
Because it wanted to get a little bounce in its step!

Why don’t grasshoppers watch soccer?
Because they watch cricket instead!

Why don’t computers ever get cold?
Because they have Windows!

Why was the computer cold at the office?
It left its Windows open!

Why was the computer cold at home?
It left all of its Windows open!

How does a computer get drunk?
It takes screenshots.

What do you call a computer that sings?
A-Dell.

Why did the spider go to the computer?
To check his web site.

Why was the math book sad?
Because it had too many problems to solve… on the internet!

What do you call a computer floating in the ocean?
Adele Rolling in the Deep.

Why did the computer keep sneezing?
It had a bad virus.

Why did the computer go to the doctor?
It thought it had a terminal illness!

Why don’t we tell secrets in Internet Explorer?
Because it takes too long for them to get out!

Why did the computer break up with Internet Explorer?
It couldn’t handle a long-distance relationship.

Why was Internet Explorer always picked last in gym class?
It could never catch up!

How does Internet Explorer say “hello”?
“Welcome to the 90s!”

Why did Internet Explorer bring a map to the computer?
It heard there was a shortcut, but couldn’t find it.

Why does Internet Explorer go to therapy?
To deal with its loading issues.

Why does Internet Explorer always lose at poker?
It’s got a terrible poker “cache.”

What’s Internet Explorer’s favorite time of year?
Buffering… Loading answer…

How does Internet Explorer apologize?
It asks you to “accept cookies.”

Why can’t Internet Explorer play hide and seek?
Because it always takes too long to find anything!

What do you call an elderly Internet Explorer?
An Internet Explorosaurus.

What’s Internet Explorer’s favorite exercise?
It likes to jog, but it’s always a few laps behind.

Why is Internet Explorer always at the end of the line?
It’s never in sync.

Why doesn’t Internet Explorer have any friends at the party?
It always arrives late.

How does Internet Explorer propose to its partner?
“Will you accept this cookie?”

Why did Internet Explorer get a ticket?
It couldn’t keep up with the traffic.

What’s Internet Explorer’s favorite film?
The Slow and the Spurious.

Why does Internet Explorer make a terrible detective?
It takes forever to get a clue.

Why did Internet Explorer get kicked out of the race?
It was always buffering behind.

What does Internet Explorer and a traffic jam have in common?
They both make you wait and make you late!

Why don’t we ever tell secrets on a farm?

Because the potatoes have eyes, the corn has ears, and the beans stalk!

Why did the photo go to jail?

Because it was framed!

Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don’t work!

Why don’t they serve drinks at Victoria’s Secret?

Because nobody wants to spill the beans and reveal Victoria’s Secret!

What does a cow drink?

The most mooooo-ving water it can find!

How much does a polar bear weigh?

Enough to break the ice!

Why don’t we ever put candles on a dad’s birthday cake? Because there’s not enough room to fit “a grillion” candles!

What did the dad say to his son on his birthday? “You know you’re getting old when the candles start costing more than the cake!”

Why did the dad get a ladder for his birthday? Because he thought he could finally get over his midlife crisis!

What do you call a father who only makes jokes on his birthday? “A birthdaddy joker!”

Why don’t dads ever play hide and seek on their birthdays? Because good luck hiding when the candles on your cake can be seen from space!

Why did the dad put his birthday cake in the freezer? He wanted to have an “ice” birthday for once!

Why did the father bring a pencil to his birthday party? He wanted to “draw” attention to the fact it’s his birthday!

What did the dad say after he blew out his birthday candles? “Well, at least the fire alarm works!”

Why did the dad get a belt for his birthday? He said it was his party and he could “waist” time if he wanted to!

What does a dad do when he reaches a certain age? He starts to lose his “birth day” and “birth night”!

Why did the dad bring a baseball glove to his birthday party? He said he didn’t want any of the “presents” to get past him!

What’s a dad’s favorite type of birthday music? “Pop” music!

What’s a dad’s favorite part of his birthday? Blowing out the candles… because it’s his one chance to hold a “fire” party!

Why was the dad’s birthday cake as big as a shoe? Because he wanted to “sneak-er” a bigger slice!

What’s a dad’s favorite birthday dessert? Ice cream, because it’s never too “cool” to have on your birthday!

Why did Barbie never go to college? She couldn’t decide between plastic surgery or becoming a doll-ectrician!

What do you call a group of Barbie dolls on a road trip? The “Plastic Posse!”

Why did Barbie break up with Ken? He was too much of a “doll-drum”!

How does Barbie stay fit? She has a “plastic”-sized workout routine!

Why did Barbie become a computer programmer? She heard it was the best way to “click” with Ken!

What did Barbie say to the doll doctor? “Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a “bar-bie-cue”!”

Why was Barbie always so calm and composed? Because she’s made of “bar-bie-tal”!

How did Barbie react when she heard a joke? She had a “plastic” laugh, of course!

Why did Barbie become an astronaut? To go on a “space-tastic” adventure!

How does Barbie stay in touch with her friends? Through her “bar-bie-phone,” of course!

A man is working at a pharmaceutical store, and he always gets the orders wrong. His boss tells him if he screws up one more time, he is fired.

An old man walks in and orders cough syrup. He can’t find any so he gives him a laxative instead. The man takes the laxative and leaves the store.

The boss comes up and asks why he gave the man a laxative in place of cough syrup. He points towards the old man who is suddenly leaning on a lightpost and says, “Look at him — he’s afraid to cough.”

Moses and his flock arrive at the sea, with the Egyptians in hot pursuit.

Moses calls a staff meeting.

“Well, how are we going to get across the sea?” asked Moses. “We need a fast solution. The Egyptians are close behind us.”

“Normally, I’d recommend that we build a pontoon bridge to carry us across,” said the General Of The Armies, “but there’s not enough time – the Egyptians are too close.”

“Normally, I’d recommend that we build barges to carry us across,” said the Admiral Of The Navy, “but time is too short.”

“Does anyone have a solution?” asked Moses.

Just then, his Public Relations man raised his hand.

“You!” said Moses, “You have a solution?”

“No,” said the PR man, “but I can promise you this: If you can find a way out of this one, I can get you two or three full pages in the Old Testament…”

Yo daddy is so clean, his shower takes a shower before he uses it!

Yo daddy is so intelligent, he solved a Rubik’s cube in one move!

Yo daddy is so smart, he can Google without internet!

Yo daddy is so chill, when he enters the room, the temperature drops!