Last Added Jokes

You Might Be An Internet Explorer User...

1. If your email address is listed on your business cards as “www.joesmith@yahoo.com", you might be an IE user.

2. If you actually think you will get $50 for “punching the monkey.”

3. When someone tells you to restart your computer and you turn the monitor off and back on, you just might be an IE user.

4. If someone tells you to go to “www.whatever.com” so you go to Google and search for it, you are probably an IE user.

5. If someone tells you you need a firewall and so you go to the store and buy Norton firewall in a box for $70, you might just possibly be an IE user.

6. When you get a popup ad showing a Windows-like warning and you think it is a Windows warning box, you might be an IE user.

7. If you web browser has 8 search bars and you don’t even know how they got there, you might be an IE user.

8. If you get pop-up ads and you aren’t even using the Internet, you just might possibly be an IE user.

9. If you have mysterious charges on your card because you received an email from “E-Bay” saying your account would be suspended if you didn’t update your credit card information by clicking “this link", you must be an IE user.

10. If, while reading this list, you are receiving the message “NT AUTHORITY/SYSTEM will shut down in 60 seconds", you might be an IE user.

Arnold Schwarzenegger Jokes

"In a shocking announcement, Governor Schwarzenegger said he supports changing the constitution to allow people like him to run for president. I'm shocked he would want that. Do you think he can win? Well, you know, it's interesting, he has Ronald Reagan's appeal as an actor and George W. Bush's difficulty with the English language. And, let's not forget, he's got a little Clinton in there too, so he could win." —Jay Leno

"Arnold Schwarzenegger has announced he will refuse his $175,000 salary and will work for free. I believe he will be worth every penny." —Craig Kilborn

"Arnold Schwarzenegger was sworn in as the Governor of California. He put one hand in the air, the other hand on the Bible, which is a good start — at least we know where his hands are now." —Jay Leno

"Today was Arnold Schwarzenegger's inauguration as Governor of California. Arnold was told to 'Raise your right hand and butcher the English language after me.'" —Craig Kilborn

"There was one tricky moment — to get Arnold to put his hand on the Bible, they stuck it in Paris Hilton's bra." —Craig Kilborn

"Arnold Schwarzenegger was sworn in as governor yesterday in the mystical land of the west known as Kali-forn-ia. Celebrities attended the event, including national anthem singer Vanessa Williams. But the moment everyone was waiting for was the swearing in. The Bible used for the swearing in ceremony was 200 years old and belonged to his in-laws, the Kennedys. That may explain why the Leviticus chapter is interspersed with the phone numbers of Rockettes." —Jon Stewart

"Earlier today in California Arnold Schwarzenegger was sworn in as Governor. After being sworn in, Arnold wasted no time and got right down to groping." —David Letterman

"Immediately after Arnold was sworn in, Gloria Alred jumped in: "While you have your hand on the Bible, I’d like to ask you a few questions." —Jay Leno

"More problems for Governor-elect Arnold Schwarzenegger. California Attorney General Bill Locklear has suggested a special toll free number be set up for women to call in allegations about Arnold's past. I have a better idea — why not make it a 900 number and charge $1.99 a minute. We'll pay off that $33 billion dollars right there." —Jay Leno

"As you know Arnold is investigating himself. He will subpoena both of his hands, and if he finds any evidence of wrongdoing he is going to sue himself." —Jay Leno

"In Washington, Arnold Schwarzenegger met with Vice President Dick Cheney. So, the Terminator met the Defibrillator. The difference between Schwarzenegger and Cheney is that when Cheney grabs a chest, it's his own." —Jay Leno

"Governor-elect Arnold Schwarzenegger is in Washington D.C. today. He and Ted Kennedy went to lunch. Your state's on fire and what do you do? A three-martini lunch with Ted Kennedy." —David Letterman

"Bush joked last week during his meeting with Schwarzenegger that they are both sometimes accused of misspeaking the language. Mr. President, he's from a foreign country." —Jon Stewart

"On Thursday in California, President Bush met privately with Governor-elect Arnold Schwarzenegger. What did the pair talk about? Neither is sure." —Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"Arnold Schwarzenegger met with President Bush. It's amazing if you think about it. It was the Terminator and the One-Terminator." —David Letterman

"Arnold Schwarzenegger will probably be the keynote speaker at the Republican National Convention, which is very smart, because after Schwarzenegger speaks, Bush's English won't sound so bad." —Jay Leno

"Arnold Schwarzenegger announced he is going to ask President Bush for help with the budget. What better way to deal with a $38 billion deficit than get advice from a guy that created a $450 billion deficit." —Jay Leno

"In his first news conference after being elected governor of California, Arnold Schwarzeneger promised to clean house in Sacramento. He also threatened to molest the energy crisis, and date rape the deficit." —Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"Time was, our leaders were all veterans of World War II, the Korean conflict or even the struggle for civil rights. But now, with the election of Jesse Ventura in Minnesota and Arnold Schwarzenegger in California, it is clear that the next generation of political leaders will all come from the movie 'Predator.'" —Stephen Colbert, The Daily Show with Jon Stewart

Tough Questions

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."

The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"

Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie, and answered, "1,228."

"That's right! You may enter."

St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."

Teacher

Sam: Would you punish me for some thing i didn’t do?
Teacher: no, of course not.
Sam: good, because i didn’t do my homework.

Three questions

A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates.
"$50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer.
"Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.
"Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"

Cheating

A blonde suspects that her boyfriend is cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun.

She goes to his apartment that same day, with the gun in hand. Sure enough, when she opens the door, she finds her boyfriend in the arms of a redhead. She points the gun at her boyfriend at stares him down for a moment. Then, suddenly, she's overcome with grief, so she puts the gun up to the side her head.

Her boyfriend screams, "Honey, don't do it..."

The blonde yells back, "Shut up! You're next!"

The Irish Prostitute

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily.
'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?'
The girl, crying, replied, Dad... I became a prostitute.'
'Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'
'OK, Dad... as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a 5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club ... (takes a breath) ... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.'
'What was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.
Girl, crying again, 'A prostitute, Daddy!.'
'Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant! Come here and give yer old Dad a hug !!!

Old local blacksmith

An old blacksmith relized he was soon going to quit working so hard. He picked out a strong young man to become his apprentice. The old fellow was crabby and exacting. "Don't ask me a lot of questions," he told the boy. "Just do whatever I tell you to do." One day the old blacksmith took an iron out of the forge and laid it on the anvil. "Get the hammer over there," he said. "When I nod my head, hit it real good and hard." Now the town is looking for a new blacksmith.