Last Added Jokes

Hard Of Hearing Horse

A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to the cowboy, "You are going to die. But we feel sorry for you, so we will give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of the third day, you die. What is your first wish?"

The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse."

The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the ass. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde.

She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man - can only think of one thing."

The second day, the chief says, "What is your wish today?"

The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again."

The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horse's ear, then slaps it on the ass. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy.

The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man - going to die and can only think of one thing."

The last day comes, and the chief says, "This is your last wish, white man. What you want?"

The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, "Read my lips! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!"

Interviewing 3 Old Men

Three old men were sitting on a bench when a reporter approached them. "I wonder if you three would be willing to do an interview and tell me your secret to long life," the reporter asked. The three old men agreed and the reporter asked the first old man his secret to long life.

"I never drank alcohol, I never smoked tobacco and I have been married to the same woman for fifty years."

"That's really remarkable!" said the reporter, "And how old are you?"

"I'm 93," said the first old man.

The second man was asked the same question on his secret to long life. "I drank on occasion, I smoked, but not often and I dated some."

"And how old are you?" asked the reporter.

"I'm 91," said the second old man.

Finally, the reporter approached the third old man and asked his secret to a long life. "I dated every woman that would go out with me, I drank until I passed out and I smoked three packs of cigarettes a day." 

"Wow!" said the reporter, "And how old are you?"

"29," replied the third man.

TOP TWENTY REASONS WHY CHOCOLATE IS BETTER THAN SEX

TOP TWENTY REASONS WHY CHOCOLATE IS BETTER THAN SEX

1. You can GET chocolate.
2. "If you love me, you'll swallow" has real meaning with chocolate.
3. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
4. You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
5. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
6. You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
7. If you bite the nuts too hard, the chocolate won't mind.
8. 2 people of the same sex can have chocolate together without being called nasty names.
9. The word 'commitment' doesn't scare off chocolate.
10. You can have chocolate on top of your desk during working hours without upsetting your workmates.
11. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
12. You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
13. With chocolate, there's no need to fake it.
14. Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
15. You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
16. Good chocolate is easy to find.
17. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
18. You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
19. When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.
20. With chocolate size doesn't matter; it's always good.

A few Shorties

What do you call an advanced degree in sensationalistic journalism?
A doctor-it degree.

What's the difference between a well-brushed equine and rapid teaching?
A well-brushed equine is a curried horse while rapid teaching makes for a hurried course.

What do you get for a friend who is graduating from Law School?
A Lobotomy.

Late final

It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the local university. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 700 students in the class!

The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. 1/2 hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.

"You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet.

"Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing. After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing. 1/2 hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.

"No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late."

The student looked incredulous and angry.

"Do you know WHO I am?"

"No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his voice.

"DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" the student asked again.

"No, and I don't care." replied the professor with an air of superiority.

"Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.

The Plan

In the beginning was the Plan.
And then came the Assumptions.
And the Assumptions were without form.
And the Plan was without substance.
And darkness was upon the face of the Workers.
And they spoke among themselves, saying, "It is a crock of sh*t, and it stinks."
And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said, "It is a pail of dung, and we can't live with the smell.
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying, "It is the container of the excrements, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it."
And the Mangers went unto their Directors, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength."
And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying to one another, "It promotes growth, and it is very powerful."
And the Vice Presidents went to the President, saying unto him, "This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the company with very powerful effects."
And the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good.
And the Plan became Policy.
And that is how sh*t happens.

Yo Mamma So Nasty

YO MOMMA'S SO NASTY...

she hasta put ice down her drawers to keep the crabs fresh. 

she brings crabs TO the beach.

she pours salt water in her pants to keep her crabs fresh.

she made Speed Stick slow down.

she made the right guard turn left.

the fishery pay here to leave.

her shit is glad to escape.

Ozzie Ozboure refused to bite her head off.

my brother called her for phone sex and she gave him an ear infection.