The Cats Diary
DAY 752 – My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
DAY 761 – Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair…must try this on their bed.
DAY 762 – Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.
DAY 765 – Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was…Hmmm. Not working according to plan ……
DAY 768 – I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called “shampoo.” What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
DAY 771 – There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call “beer.” More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of “allergies.” Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
DAY 774 – I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait. It is only a matter of time.
C-ing I Dog
Two guys were walking their dogs and came across a bar. Since they were hot and tired from walking the dogs they decided to go in and have a drink. Unfortunately, the bar didn’t allow dogs. There was no place to safely secure the dogs, so they started thinking of ideas to get in the bar. Then one of the guys had an idea.
“Just watch me and follow my lead,” he said.
He walked into the bar with his dog and the bartender stopped and said to him, “I’m sorry but I can’t let you in here.”
The guy looked at the bartender and asked, “Why not?”
The bartender replied, “Well, we don’t allow dogs into the bar.”
“But this is my seeing eye dog,” the guy said.
“Oh, I’m sorry sir come on in, and by the way, nice golden retriever.”
The guy went into the bar and the second guy walked in with his dog. The bartender stopped him and told him he can’t let him in. When asked why not the bartender replied that you cannot have dogs in his bar.
“But this is my seeing eye dog,” said the second guy.
The bartender looked at the man and then looked at the dog. After a while he said, “Sir, ah um a Chihuahua?”
The man looked a little puzzled and then said, “What? They gave me a Chihuahua?”
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Why the long face?”
3 Goats and Bubbles
There were four goats who all died on the same day and went up to the Pearly Gates. To get into Heaven, they had to tell their name and the last thing they did on Earth.
Well, the first goat walked up and said, “My name is Baa, and I blew bubbles,” so he was told he could go on in.
Then the next goat came up and said, “My name is Baa Baa, and I blew bubbles,” so he was told he too could go on in.
Then the third goat came up and said, “My name is Baa Baa Baa, and I blew bubbles.” Annoyed now, the gatekeeper said he could go on in.
Finally, the last goat walked up, and the Gatekeeper said, “Let me guess. Your name is Baa Baa Baa Baa, and you blew bubbles.”
And the goat said, “No, my name is Bubbles and I…”
One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. The assistant takes the man to the parrot section and asks the man to choose one. The man asks, “How much is the yellow one?”
The assistant says, “$2000.” The man is shocked and asks the assistant why it’s so expensive.
The assistant explains, “This parrot is a very special one. He knows typewriting and can type really fast.”
“What about the green one?” the man asks.
The assistant says, “He costs $5000 because he knows typewriting and can answer incoming telephone calls and takes notes.”
“What about the red one?” the man asks.
The assistant says, “That one’s $10,000.”
The man says, “What does HE do?”
The assistant says, “I don’t know, but the other two call him boss.”