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Funny Jokes

The largest collection of jokes.

Football Animals

During the Super Bowl, there was another football game of note between the big animals and the small animals. The big animals were crushing small animals and at half-time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals.

At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain. The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5 yard loss.

The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly,

“Who stopped the elephant?”

“I did,” said the centipede.

“Who stopped the rhino?”

“Uh, that was me too,” said the centipede.

“And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?”

“Well, that was me as well,” said the centipede.

“So where were you during the first half?” demanded the coach.

“Well,” said the centipede, “I was having my ankles taped.”

Latest Animal Jokes

Parrotstitutes

A woman went to her priest with a problem. “Father, I have two female parrots, and the only know how to say one thing. All they ever say is, ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?”

“That’s terrible!” exclaimed the priest. “But I think I can help. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male parrots whom I taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship.”

The next day, the woman brought her female parrots to the priest’s house. His two male parrots were holding rosary beads and quietly praying in their cage. The woman put her two female parrots in the cage with the male parrots. The females said, “Hi, we’re prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?”

One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed “Put those beads away, our prayers have been answered!”

The Boss

One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. The assistant takes the man to the parrot section and asks the man to choose one. The man asks, “How much is the yellow one?”
The assistant says, “$2000.” The man is shocked and asks the assistant why it’s so expensive.

The assistant explains, “This parrot is a very special one. He knows typewriting and can type really fast.”

“What about the green one?” the man asks.

The assistant says, “He costs $5000 because he knows typewriting and can answer incoming telephone calls and takes notes.”

“What about the red one?” the man asks.

The assistant says, “That one’s $10,000.”

The man says, “What does HE do?”

The assistant says, “I don’t know, but the other two call him boss.”

Got any crackers?

A duck walks into a bar and asks “got any crackers?”
bar tender says no.
Duck walks out. Duck walks in the next day and asks, “got any crackers?”
bar tender says no. Duck walks out.
Duck walks in the next day and asks got any crackers?
Bar tender says, “I told you yesterday and the day before that no! and if you ask that one more time Ill nail your beak shut!” Duck walks out.
Duck comes back the next day and asks, “got any nails?” bar tender says no. Duck says “good. Got any crackers?”

Penguins to the Zoo

This man had to take a bunch of penguins to the zoo for the new exibit. On the way into town his truck broke down and he pulled
over to the side of the road. A guy pulls up next to him and says, ‘Hey, do you need some help?’
The man says, ‘Actually, all I need is to get these penguins to the zoo. If I give you 50 bucks will you make sure you take hem?’
So the guy takes the money and the penguins and takes off. The man went to fix his truck and an hour later he’s pulling up into town to go check on the penguins.
He stops at a red light and looks across the street and sees the guy walking with all the penguins following behind him. The man
gets out of his car and screams at the guy, ‘Hey! What are you doing? I thought I gave you 50 bucks to get the penguins to the
zoo!!’
The guy turns with a big smile and says, ‘I did take them to the zoo and I had some money left over so now I’m taking them to the
movies.’

Whats the difference between a bull and a cow?

Q: Whats the difference between a bull and a cow?

A: A bull smiles when you milk it.