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Funny Jokes

The largest collection of jokes.

Grapes

A duck walks into a store and asks the clerk, “Do you have any grapes?” The clerk says no.

Five minutes later the duck comes back and asks, “Do you have any grapes?” and again the clerk says no.

Five minutes later the duck comes back and asks, “Do you have any grapes?”

The clerk says, “No, and if you ask again, I’ll nail your feet to the floor.”

The duck comes back five minutes later and asks, “Do you have any nails?” The clerk says no. The duck says, “Good. Do you have any grapes?”

Latest Animal jokes

C-ing I Dog

Two guys were walking their dogs and came across a bar. Since they were hot and tired from walking the dogs they decided to go in and have a drink. Unfortunately, the bar didn’t allow dogs. There was no place to safely secure the dogs, so they started thinking of ideas to get in the bar. Then one of the guys had an idea.

“Just watch me and follow my lead,” he said.

He walked into the bar with his dog and the bartender stopped and said to him, “I’m sorry but I can’t let you in here.”

The guy looked at the bartender and asked, “Why not?”

The bartender replied, “Well, we don’t allow dogs into the bar.”

“But this is my seeing eye dog,” the guy said.

“Oh, I’m sorry sir come on in, and by the way, nice golden retriever.”

The guy went into the bar and the second guy walked in with his dog. The bartender stopped him and told him he can’t let him in. When asked why not the bartender replied that you cannot have dogs in his bar.

“But this is my seeing eye dog,” said the second guy.

The bartender looked at the man and then looked at the dog. After a while he said, “Sir, ah um a Chihuahua?”

The man looked a little puzzled and then said, “What? They gave me a Chihuahua?”

The Boss

One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. The assistant takes the man to the parrot section and asks the man to choose one. The man asks, “How much is the yellow one?”
The assistant says, “$2000.” The man is shocked and asks the assistant why it’s so expensive.

The assistant explains, “This parrot is a very special one. He knows typewriting and can type really fast.”

“What about the green one?” the man asks.

The assistant says, “He costs $5000 because he knows typewriting and can answer incoming telephone calls and takes notes.”

“What about the red one?” the man asks.

The assistant says, “That one’s $10,000.”

The man says, “What does HE do?”

The assistant says, “I don’t know, but the other two call him boss.”

A bugs life

Q. What is the last thing to go through a bug’s mind when it hits your windshield?
A. It’s butt.

Cricket

If I had one cricket ball in one hand, and another cricket ball in the other hand, what would I have?

A bloody big cricket.

Kangaphant

What do you get when you cross an elephant and kangaroo together? 

Giant holes all over Africa!