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Funny Jokes

The largest collection of jokes.

He is a very smart dog

I went to the cinema the other day and in the front row was an old man and with him was his dog. It was a sad funny kind of film, you know the type. In the sad part, the dog cried his eyes out, and in the funny part, the dog laughed its head off. This happened all the way through the film. After the film had ended, I decided to go and speak to the man.

“That’s the most amazing thing I’ve seen,” I said. “That dog really seemed to enjoy the film.”

The man turned to me and said, “Yeah, it is. He hated the book.”

Latest Animal Jokes

Porridge

It’s a sunny morning in the big forest and the Bear family is just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty! “Who’s been eating my porridge!” he squeaks. Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty! “Who’s been eating my porridge?” he roars. Mommy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and screams, “For Goodness sake, how many times do we have to go through this? I haven’t made the porridge yet!”

Little Nancy’s Pet

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the little girl was up to, he politely asked, “What are you up to there, Nancy?”

“My goldfish died,” replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, “and I’ve just buried him.”

The neighbor was concerned, “That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?”

Nancy patted down the last heap of earth and then replied, “That’s because he’s inside your stupid cat.”

Raven and Dog

Q: What do you get when you cross a raven with a mad dog?

A: A ravin lunatic.

Gorilla Problem

A guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He looks in the phone book and sure enough finds an ad for “Gorilla Pest Control.” When he asks if they can remove the gorilla, the service guy asks, “Is it male or female?”

“Male,” he replies.

“Oh yeah, we can do that. I’ll be right there,” he states.

An hour later, the service guy shows up with a stick, a Rottweiler, a shotgun, and a large pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some instructions. “I’m going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls out of the tree. When he does, the trained Rotty will move in and savage the gorilla’s private parts. The gorilla will then cross his hands across his crotch to protect himself, and that’s when you move in with the handcuffs!”

The man goes pale and asks, “Um, okay, but what do I do with the shotgun?”

The service guy replies, “Hopefully nothing, but if I happen to fall out of the tree before the gorilla, you’ve got to shoot that Rottweiler!”

Dead dog

Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie, whose dog had recently died.
“You know, its not your fault that the dog died. Hes probably up in heaven right now, having a grand old time with God.”
Susie, still crying, said “What would God want with a dead dog?”