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Funny Jokes

The largest collection of jokes.

Kangaphant

What do you get when you cross an elephant and kangaroo together? 

Giant holes all over Africa!

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Not Your Typical Chicken Joke

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Part of a the CIA’s specially trained elite team of fowl, this stealthy chicken is on a perilous misson.

His object? No less than to uncover the secret documents of the infamous Polish scientist, Dr. Poppycockski.

Dr. Poppycockski, code name: Cock, has outlandish, yet devilsihly clever plans for total world domination, which begin with the great nation of Haiti.

The Better Bull

This couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside a fine Sunday afternoon, & are watching the auctioning off of bulls. The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off: “A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year.”

The wife nudges her husband in the ribs, & comments, “See! That was more than 5 times a month!”

The second bull is to be sold: “Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year.”

Again the wife bugs her husband, “Hey, that’s some 10 times a month. What do YOU say to that?!”

Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison.

The third bull is up for sale: “And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 365 times last year!”

The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells, “That’s once a day, every day of the year! How about YOU?!”

The husband was pretty irritated by now, & yells back, “Sure, once a day! But ask the auctioneer if they were all with the same cow!!”

Three Dogs

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the veterinarian’s. One of the dogs was hanging its head and sighing.

The second dog turned to him and asked, ‘What are you in here for, buddy?’

The dog looked depressed.
“I’m in big trouble,” he said. “My owner has a really nice sports car with leather seats. I just love to go for rides in it. Well, the other day, he took me for a ride and I was so excited, I peed on the nice leather seat. Now he’s having me put to sleep.”

“I know how you feel,” said the second dog. “My owners have a beautiful, expensive oriental rug. The other day they were late getting home from work and I just couldn’t help myself. I fucked all over their nice carpet and ruined it. They’re having me put to sleep too.”

Both dogs turned to the third dog in the waiting room.

“So what are you here for?’ they asked.

“Well”, said the third dog, ‘my owner likes to do her housework in the nude. The other day, she was vacuuming and she knelt down to vacuum under the sofa and I just couldn’t help myself. I hopped on her back and had the ride of my life.’

The other dogs nodded in sympathy.
“So she’s having you put to sleep too, huh?”

“No,” said the dog, “I’m having my nails clipped”

The Hamster Show

A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he will give him a free beer if he shows him something amazing. The bartender agrees, so the guys pulls out a hamster, who begins dancing and singing “Tuff Enuff” by the Fabulous Thunderbirds.

“That IS amazing!” says the bartender and gives the guy his free beer.

“If I show you something else amazing, will you give me another beer?” The bartender agrees, so the guy pulls out a small piano and a hamster and a frog. Now the hamster plays the piano while the frog dances and sings “You Ain’t Seen Nothing Yet” by Bachman-Turner Overdrive.

The bartender, completely wowed, gives him another beer. A man in a suit, who’s been watching the entire time, offers to buy the frog for a princely sum, which the man agrees to.

“Are you nuts?” asks the bartender. “You could’ve made a fortune off that frog.”

“Can you keep a secret?” asks the man. “The hamster’s a ventriloquist.”

A bugs life

Q. What is the last thing to go through a bug’s mind when it hits your windshield?
A. It’s butt.