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Funny Jokes

The largest collection of jokes.

Little Nancy’s Pet

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the little girl was up to, he politely asked, “What are you up to there, Nancy?”

“My goldfish died,” replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, “and I’ve just buried him.”

The neighbor was concerned, “That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?”

Nancy patted down the last heap of earth and then replied, “That’s because he’s inside your stupid cat.”

Latest Animal Jokes

C-ing I Dog

Two guys were walking their dogs and came across a bar. Since they were hot and tired from walking the dogs they decided to go in and have a drink. Unfortunately, the bar didn’t allow dogs. There was no place to safely secure the dogs, so they started thinking of ideas to get in the bar. Then one of the guys had an idea.

“Just watch me and follow my lead,” he said.

He walked into the bar with his dog and the bartender stopped and said to him, “I’m sorry but I can’t let you in here.”

The guy looked at the bartender and asked, “Why not?”

The bartender replied, “Well, we don’t allow dogs into the bar.”

“But this is my seeing eye dog,” the guy said.

“Oh, I’m sorry sir come on in, and by the way, nice golden retriever.”

The guy went into the bar and the second guy walked in with his dog. The bartender stopped him and told him he can’t let him in. When asked why not the bartender replied that you cannot have dogs in his bar.

“But this is my seeing eye dog,” said the second guy.

The bartender looked at the man and then looked at the dog. After a while he said, “Sir, ah um a Chihuahua?”

The man looked a little puzzled and then said, “What? They gave me a Chihuahua?”

Prostitute Parrots

A lady approaches her priest and tells him, “Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.”

“What do they say?” the priest inquired.

“They only know how to say, ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Want to have some fun?”‘

“That’s terrible!” the priest exclaimed, “but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots. I have taught them to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will also learn to praise and worship.”

“Thank you!” the woman responded.

The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest’s house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots. Immediately, the female parrots say, “Hi, we’re prostitutes, want to have some fun?”

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, “Put the beads away, Jack. Our prayers have been answered!”

Inside an elephant’s stomach

What do you do when you are trapped inside an elephant’s stomach?
Run around til you get pooped out!

Gorilla Problem

A guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He looks in the phone book and sure enough finds an ad for “Gorilla Pest Control.” When he asks if they can remove the gorilla, the service guy asks, “Is it male or female?”

“Male,” he replies.

“Oh yeah, we can do that. I’ll be right there,” he states.

An hour later, the service guy shows up with a stick, a Rottweiler, a shotgun, and a large pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some instructions. “I’m going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls out of the tree. When he does, the trained Rotty will move in and savage the gorilla’s private parts. The gorilla will then cross his hands across his crotch to protect himself, and that’s when you move in with the handcuffs!”

The man goes pale and asks, “Um, okay, but what do I do with the shotgun?”

The service guy replies, “Hopefully nothing, but if I happen to fall out of the tree before the gorilla, you’ve got to shoot that Rottweiler!”

Grey, yellow

Q: What’s grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow?

A: An elephant rolling down a hill with a daisy in its mouth!