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Funny Jokes

The largest collection of jokes.

Maestro

A guy walks into a pet store wanting a parrot. The store clerk shows him two beautiful ones out on the floor. “This ones $5,000 and the other is $10,000.” the clerk said.
“Wow! What does the $5,000 one do?”
“This parrot can sing every aria Mozart ever wrote.”
“And the other?” said the customer.
“This one can sing Wagners entire Ring cycle. Theres another one inthe back room for $30,000.”
“Holy moly! What does that one do?”
“Nothing that I can tell, but the other two parrots call him Maestro.”

Latest Animal Jokes

Prostitute Parrots

A lady approaches her priest and tells him, “Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.”

“What do they say?” the priest inquired.

“They only know how to say, ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Want to have some fun?”‘

“That’s terrible!” the priest exclaimed, “but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots. I have taught them to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will also learn to praise and worship.”

“Thank you!” the woman responded.

The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest’s house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots. Immediately, the female parrots say, “Hi, we’re prostitutes, want to have some fun?”

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, “Put the beads away, Jack. Our prayers have been answered!”

A giraffe and a bunny

A giraffe and a bunny talk.
Says the giraffe:
“Bunny, if you knew how beautiful it is, a long Neck to have. This is sooo tollll! Each tasty leaf that
I eat slowly move down my neck and long I enjoy this delicacy soo long. ”
The bunny looks blankly at the giraffe.
“And until the summer, Bunny, I am telling you, the cool water
so deliciously refreshing when it slowly my long neck sliding down. This is soooo beautiful, just a great to have such a long neck. Bunny, you can get the imagine? ”
Bunnies without emotions: “Have you ever puked?”

Four Worms and a Funeral

Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol. The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a jar of sperm. The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.
After one day:

First worm – dead

Second worm – dead.

Third worm – dead.

Fourth worm – alive.

Lesson: As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won’t get worms!

A Bunnys Wish

A bear was chasing this bunny around a forest. They ran into a clearing and were running around a certain huge redwood where a genie lived. The genie got so tired of the racket that he finally came out and told the pair that he would grant them 3 wishes a piece if they would just leave him alone. The pair agreed. The bear said he would go first. “I wish…that all the bears in this forest were female.” The genie granted the wish. The bunny just grinned and asked for a helmet. The bear thought that strange but continued. “I wish…that all the bears in this country to be female!” The genie granted the wish. The bunny just grinned again and wished for a motorcycle. He jumped on the bike, put on his helmet and started gunning it. The bear looked at the bunny and said, “You must be the stupidest bunny I ever met!” Then he asked for his last wish. “I wish…that all the bears in this world to be female!” The genie granted the wish. The bunny just grinned and said, “I wish the bear was gay.”

Why do gorillas have big noses?

Q: Why do gorillas have big noses?

A: Because they have big fingers.