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Funny Jokes

The largest collection of jokes.

Penguins to the Zoo

This man had to take a bunch of penguins to the zoo for the new exibit. On the way into town his truck broke down and he pulled
over to the side of the road. A guy pulls up next to him and says, ‘Hey, do you need some help?’
The man says, ‘Actually, all I need is to get these penguins to the zoo. If I give you 50 bucks will you make sure you take hem?’
So the guy takes the money and the penguins and takes off. The man went to fix his truck and an hour later he’s pulling up into town to go check on the penguins.
He stops at a red light and looks across the street and sees the guy walking with all the penguins following behind him. The man
gets out of his car and screams at the guy, ‘Hey! What are you doing? I thought I gave you 50 bucks to get the penguins to the
zoo!!’
The guy turns with a big smile and says, ‘I did take them to the zoo and I had some money left over so now I’m taking them to the
movies.’

Latest Animal Jokes

Cricket

If I had one cricket ball in one hand, and another cricket ball in the other hand, what would I have?

A bloody big cricket.

Meals on Wheels

A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, ‘You’ve been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask.’

The cats says, ‘Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors.’ God says, ‘Say no more.’ And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat.

The mice said, ‘All our lives we’ve had to run. We’ve been chased by cats, dogs and even women with brooms. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn’t have to run anymore.’ God says, ‘Say no more.’ And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.

About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks,

‘How are you doing? Are you happy here?’

The cat yawns and stretches and says, “Oh, I’ve never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you’ve been sending over are the best!”

Inside an elephant’s stomach

What do you do when you are trapped inside an elephant’s stomach?
Run around til you get pooped out!

Camel Gear

Baby Camel: Mum, why do we have such a huge hump?

Mum Camel: They’re for storing fat in out in the desert.

Baby Camel: Why do we have hooves, then?

Mum Camel: So our feet don’t sink into the hot sand.

Baby Camel: Why do we have these long, fluttery eyelashes?

Mum Camel: To keep the sand out of our eyes in a sandstorm.

A moment later…

Baby Camel: Right. So why do we have all this stuff if we live in the London Zoo?

Bear & Rabbit

There were two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school and were both virgins and enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast.