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Funny Jokes

The largest collection of jokes.

The Hamster Show

A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he will give him a free beer if he shows him something amazing. The bartender agrees, so the guys pulls out a hamster, who begins dancing and singing “Tuff Enuff” by the Fabulous Thunderbirds.

“That IS amazing!” says the bartender and gives the guy his free beer.

“If I show you something else amazing, will you give me another beer?” The bartender agrees, so the guy pulls out a small piano and a hamster and a frog. Now the hamster plays the piano while the frog dances and sings “You Ain’t Seen Nothing Yet” by Bachman-Turner Overdrive.

The bartender, completely wowed, gives him another beer. A man in a suit, who’s been watching the entire time, offers to buy the frog for a princely sum, which the man agrees to.

“Are you nuts?” asks the bartender. “You could’ve made a fortune off that frog.”

“Can you keep a secret?” asks the man. “The hamster’s a ventriloquist.”

Latest Animal jokes

Got any crackers?

A duck walks into a bar and asks “got any crackers?”
bar tender says no.
Duck walks out. Duck walks in the next day and asks, “got any crackers?”
bar tender says no. Duck walks out.
Duck walks in the next day and asks got any crackers?
Bar tender says, “I told you yesterday and the day before that no! and if you ask that one more time Ill nail your beak shut!” Duck walks out.
Duck comes back the next day and asks, “got any nails?” bar tender says no. Duck says “good. Got any crackers?”

Dog Flowers

“Some plants,” said the teacher, “have the prefix “dog. For instance, there is the dogrose, the dogwood, the dogviolet. Now name another plant prefixed by ‘dog’.”

“I can,” shouted a little redhead from the back row, “Collieflower!”

Kangaphant

What do you get when you cross an elephant and kangaroo together? 

Giant holes all over Africa!

A Proper Goldfish Burial

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence.

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, “What are you up to there, Tim?”

“My goldfish died,” replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, “and I’ve just buried him.”

The neighbor was concerned, “That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?”

You got any fish?

A duck goes into a bar and askes the bartender,
“You got any fish?” The bartender replies, “No,
this is a bar and we don’t sell fish,” so the duck
leaves. The next day, the duck goes back to the
bar and asks, “You got any fish?” The bartender
says, “I told you yesterday, this is a bar and we
don’t sell fish!” The following day the duck returns
and says, “You got any fish?” The bartender loses
it, grabs the duck by the neck and screams,
“I TOLD YOU TWICE, THIS IS A BAR. WE
DON’T SELL FISH. IF YOU ASK
AGAIN, I’M GONNA NAIL YOUR WEBBED
FEET TO THE FLOOR!” The next day, the duck
goes into the bar and asks, “Got any nails?”
The bartender sighs and says, “No, we don’t have
any nails.” The duck says, “Good. Got any fish?”