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Funny Jokes

The largest collection of jokes.

Why do dogs stick their noses in womens crotches?

Q: Why do dogs stick their noses in womens crotches?

A: Because they can.

Latest Animal jokes

I didn’t

Two vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood. One says, “Let’s fly out of the cave and get some blood.”

“We’re new here,” says the second one. “It’s dark out, and we don’t know where to look. We’d better wait until the other bats go with us.”

The first bat replies, “Who needs them? I can find some blood somewhere.” He flies out of the cave.

When he returns, he is covered with blood.

The second bat says excitedly, “Where did you get the blood?”

The first bat takes his buddy to the mouth of the cave. Pointing into the night, he asks, “See that black building over there?”

“Yes,” the other bat answers.

“Well,” says the first bat, “I didn’t.”

The Hamster Show

A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he will give him a free beer if he shows him something amazing. The bartender agrees, so the guys pulls out a hamster, who begins dancing and singing “Tuff Enuff” by the Fabulous Thunderbirds.

“That IS amazing!” says the bartender and gives the guy his free beer.

“If I show you something else amazing, will you give me another beer?” The bartender agrees, so the guy pulls out a small piano and a hamster and a frog. Now the hamster plays the piano while the frog dances and sings “You Ain’t Seen Nothing Yet” by Bachman-Turner Overdrive.

The bartender, completely wowed, gives him another beer. A man in a suit, who’s been watching the entire time, offers to buy the frog for a princely sum, which the man agrees to.

“Are you nuts?” asks the bartender. “You could’ve made a fortune off that frog.”

“Can you keep a secret?” asks the man. “The hamster’s a ventriloquist.”

Whats the difference between a bull and a cow?

Q: Whats the difference between a bull and a cow?

A: A bull smiles when you milk it.

The Better Bull

This couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside a fine Sunday afternoon, & are watching the auctioning off of bulls. The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off: “A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year.”

The wife nudges her husband in the ribs, & comments, “See! That was more than 5 times a month!”

The second bull is to be sold: “Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year.”

Again the wife bugs her husband, “Hey, that’s some 10 times a month. What do YOU say to that?!”

Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison.

The third bull is up for sale: “And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 365 times last year!”

The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells, “That’s once a day, every day of the year! How about YOU?!”

The husband was pretty irritated by now, & yells back, “Sure, once a day! But ask the auctioneer if they were all with the same cow!!”

You got any fish?

A duck goes into a bar and askes the bartender,
“You got any fish?” The bartender replies, “No,
this is a bar and we don’t sell fish,” so the duck
leaves. The next day, the duck goes back to the
bar and asks, “You got any fish?” The bartender
says, “I told you yesterday, this is a bar and we
don’t sell fish!” The following day the duck returns
and says, “You got any fish?” The bartender loses
it, grabs the duck by the neck and screams,
“I TOLD YOU TWICE, THIS IS A BAR. WE
DON’T SELL FISH. IF YOU ASK
AGAIN, I’M GONNA NAIL YOUR WEBBED
FEET TO THE FLOOR!” The next day, the duck
goes into the bar and asks, “Got any nails?”
The bartender sighs and says, “No, we don’t have
any nails.” The duck says, “Good. Got any fish?”