A guy walks into a pet store wanting a parrot. The store clerk shows him two beautiful ones out on the floor. “This ones $5,000 and the other is $10,000.” the clerk said.
“Wow! What does the $5,000 one do?”
“This parrot can sing every aria Mozart ever wrote.”
“And the other?” said the customer.
“This one can sing Wagners entire Ring cycle. Theres another one inthe back room for $30,000.”
“Holy moly! What does that one do?”
“Nothing that I can tell, but the other two parrots call him Maestro.”
Farmer and the Cow
A farmer was in a bar drinking and looking all depressed.
His friend asked him why he was looking depressed and he replied, “Some things you just can’t explain. This morning I was outside milking. As soon as the bucket was fill the cow kicked it down with his left foot so I tied up his left to a pole.
I began to fill up the bucket again and he kicked it down with his right foot, so I tied his right to a pole too.
As soon as I finished milkin” him again he knocked down the bucket with his with his tail and I took off my belt and tied up his tail with my belt.
As I was tying up his tail, my pants dropped down, then my wife came out and well, trust me, some things you just can’t explain!
A guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He looks in the phone book and sure enough finds an ad for “Gorilla Pest Control.” When he asks if they can remove the gorilla, the service guy asks, “Is it male or female?”
“Male,” he replies.
“Oh yeah, we can do that. I’ll be right there,” he states.
An hour later, the service guy shows up with a stick, a Rottweiler, a shotgun, and a large pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some instructions. “I’m going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls out of the tree. When he does, the trained Rotty will move in and savage the gorilla’s private parts. The gorilla will then cross his hands across his crotch to protect himself, and that’s when you move in with the handcuffs!”
The man goes pale and asks, “Um, okay, but what do I do with the shotgun?”
The service guy replies, “Hopefully nothing, but if I happen to fall out of the tree before the gorilla, you’ve got to shoot that Rottweiler!”
Bear & Rabbit
There were two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school and were both virgins and enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast.
Inside an elephant’s stomach
What do you do when you are trapped inside an elephant’s stomach?
Run around til you get pooped out!