You got any fish?

You got any fish?

A duck goes into a bar and askes the bartender,
“You got any fish?” The bartender replies, “No,
this is a bar and we don’t sell fish,” so the duck
leaves. The next day, the duck goes back to the
bar and asks, “You got any fish?” The bartender
says, “I told you yesterday, this is a bar and we
don’t sell fish!” The following day the duck returns
and says, “You got any fish?” The bartender loses
it, grabs the duck by the neck and screams,
“I TOLD YOU TWICE, THIS IS A BAR. WE
DON’T SELL FISH. IF YOU ASK
AGAIN, I’M GONNA NAIL YOUR WEBBED
FEET TO THE FLOOR!” The next day, the duck
goes into the bar and asks, “Got any nails?”
The bartender sighs and says, “No, we don’t have
any nails.” The duck says, “Good. Got any fish?”

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Q: What do you get when you cross a raven with a mad dog?

A: A ravin lunatic.

Prostitute Parrots

A lady approaches her priest and tells him, “Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.”

“What do they say?” the priest inquired.

“They only know how to say, ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Want to have some fun?”‘

“That’s terrible!” the priest exclaimed, “but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots. I have taught them to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will also learn to praise and worship.”

“Thank you!” the woman responded.

The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest’s house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots. Immediately, the female parrots say, “Hi, we’re prostitutes, want to have some fun?”

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, “Put the beads away, Jack. Our prayers have been answered!”

Porridge

It’s a sunny morning in the big forest and the Bear family is just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty! “Who’s been eating my porridge!” he squeaks. Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty! “Who’s been eating my porridge?” he roars. Mommy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and screams, “For Goodness sake, how many times do we have to go through this? I haven’t made the porridge yet!”

Pig In A Bar

A lady goes into a bar with her goose. Then the bartender comes up to her and says, “Why did you have to bring the pig in with you?”
Then the lady answered, “Excuse me, I think this is a goose.”

And the bartender says, “Excuse me, I was talking to the goose.”

Pig Farmer

A city slicker went to the country to buy a pig. When he approached the pig farmer, he asked for a 25-pound pig. The pig farmer put the pig's tail in his mouth and bobbed his head up and down. He then told the city slicker that the pig was too heavy -- it was 30 pounds. The city slicker told the farmer he didn't believe that was the way to weigh pigs. The farmer called his son over and asked him to weigh the pig. The son put the pig's tail in his mouth, bobbed his head a couple of times and said the pig weighed 30 pounds. The city slicker said the farmer and his son were putting him on. The farmer told his son to go get his mother and have her come out and weigh the pig. The son went into the house and after a few minutes came out again.

"Mom's weighing the mailman."