A man rushes to his doctor’s office and says, “Doctor! Doctor! You gotta help me! I’ve got a carrot in my left ear and a banana in my right ear and a chicken wing up my nose!”
“Well, son,” the old doctor says. “It’s quite obvious you haven’t been eating properly.”
10 Steps Towards A Successful Job Interview
My recent job-hunting experience has been very educational. I now know a little more about what to do and what not to do. Here’s a little taste of my newfound wisdom.
10 STEPS TOWARDS A SUCCESSFUL JOB INTERVIEW
10. Awkward silence is always better than: “OMG, you’re daughter is fuckin SMOKIN’!!”.
9. Trying to stir up outrage over the “reverse racism” at the Chinese buffet isn’t going to get you anywhere, no matter how many letters you write.
8. Two beers to loosen you up before the big interview: okay. Blowing a joint before the big interview and repeatedly complimenting the boss on her sweet hen-shaped paperweight: not okay.
7. In order to list American Sign Language as a skill, you have to know quite a bit more than the “call me” sign and the metal horns.
6. “Tell me a little bit about yourself” is not meant to elicit either a) your Rebounds Per Game stat or b) which Fanta girl you’d prefer to bone.
5. Having a “License to Ill” doesn’t increase your marketability (no matter if it’s the truth or not).
4. Don’t take interview advice from people who are unemployed. ;o)
3. If you find that during interviews the conversation inevitably drifts towards Stalin, that’s probably your fault, not theirs.
2. “Cowboy” is not a respected former job, no matter how badass your references are.
1. Try not to overuse the word “ba-jillion”.
The Detroit Lions
Q: What do you call 47 millionaires around a TV watching the Super Bowl?
A: The Detroit Lions.
Q: What do the Detroit Lions and Billy Graham have in common?
A: They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell “Jesus Christ.”
Q: How do you keep a Detroit Lion out of your yard?
A: Put up goal posts.
Q: Where do you go in Detroit in case of a tornado?
A: To Ford Field – they never get a touchdown there.
Q: What do you call a Detroit Lion with a Super Bowl ring?
A: A thief.
Q: Why doesn’t Grand Rapids have a professional football team?
A: Because then Detroit would want one.
Q: What’s the difference between the Detroit Lions and a dollar bill?
A: You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.
Q: How many Detroit Lions does it take to win a Super Bowl?
A: Nobody knows and we may never find out.
Q: What do the Detroit Lions and possums have in common?
A: Both play dead at home and get killed on the road
Ohio State Students
How do you know a person posting a joke goes to Ohio State?
They fucking spell Michigan wrong.
Q: How do you get a Michagan girl into your dorm?
A: Grease the door frame and push.