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Funny Jokes

The largest collection of jokes.

American Beer

Q: How is having sex in a canoe similar to American beer?

A: They are both fucking close to water!

Latest College Jokes

Iraqi Stoners

Q: Why can’t you smoke weed in Iraq?

A: Because there is no piece in the middle east!

Doctor! Doctor!

A man rushes to his doctor’s office and says, “Doctor! Doctor! You gotta help me! I’ve got a carrot in my left ear and a banana in my right ear and a chicken wing up my nose!”

“Well, son,” the old doctor says. “It’s quite obvious you haven’t been eating properly.”

Ohio State Students

How do you know a person posting a joke goes to Ohio State?

They fucking spell Michigan wrong.

Michagan Girls

Q: How do you get a Michagan girl into your dorm?

A: Grease the door frame and push.

Drunk Notes

A, C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar. The bartender says: “Sorry, but we don’t serve minors.” So the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.

A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, “Excuse me. I’ll just be a second.” Then an A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor.

Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims, “Get out now. You’re the seventh minor I’ve found in this bar tonight.”

The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next nightin a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says, “You’re looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development.”

This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands there au natural.

Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he’s under a rest. The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility. On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless. The bartender decides, however, that since he’s only had tenor so patrons, with the soprano out in the bathroom, and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest, and closes the bar.