10 Steps Towards A Successful Job Interview
My recent job-hunting experience has been very educational. I now know a little more about what to do and what not to do. Here’s a little taste of my newfound wisdom.
10 STEPS TOWARDS A SUCCESSFUL JOB INTERVIEW
10. Awkward silence is always better than: “OMG, you’re daughter is fuckin SMOKIN’!!”.
9. Trying to stir up outrage over the “reverse racism” at the Chinese buffet isn’t going to get you anywhere, no matter how many letters you write.
8. Two beers to loosen you up before the big interview: okay. Blowing a joint before the big interview and repeatedly complimenting the boss on her sweet hen-shaped paperweight: not okay.
7. In order to list American Sign Language as a skill, you have to know quite a bit more than the “call me” sign and the metal horns.
6. “Tell me a little bit about yourself” is not meant to elicit either a) your Rebounds Per Game stat or b) which Fanta girl you’d prefer to bone.
5. Having a “License to Ill” doesn’t increase your marketability (no matter if it’s the truth or not).
4. Don’t take interview advice from people who are unemployed. ;o)
3. If you find that during interviews the conversation inevitably drifts towards Stalin, that’s probably your fault, not theirs.
2. “Cowboy” is not a respected former job, no matter how badass your references are.
1. Try not to overuse the word “ba-jillion”.
Doctor! Doctor!
A man rushes to his doctor’s office and says, “Doctor! Doctor! You gotta help me! I’ve got a carrot in my left ear and a banana in my right ear and a chicken wing up my nose!”
“Well, son,” the old doctor says. “It’s quite obvious you haven’t been eating properly.”
Women & KFC
What do a woman and KFC have in common?
After you are done eating the breasts, legs, and thighs, all you are left with is a greasy box to put your bone in.
Vietnam Vet
Q:How many Vietnam Vets does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:YOU DONT KNOW MAN YOU WERENT THERE!
Drunk Notes
A, C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar. The bartender says: “Sorry, but we don’t serve minors.” So the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.
A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, “Excuse me. I’ll just be a second.” Then an A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor.
Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims, “Get out now. You’re the seventh minor I’ve found in this bar tonight.”
The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next nightin a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says, “You’re looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development.”
This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands there au natural.
Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he’s under a rest. The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility. On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless. The bartender decides, however, that since he’s only had tenor so patrons, with the soprano out in the bathroom, and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest, and closes the bar.
