Bill Gates and General Motors
Bill Gates is hanging out with the chairman of General Motors.
“If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades, ” boasts Gates, “you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50.”
“Sure, ” says the GM chairman. “But would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?”
Email Error
It’s wise to remember how easily email can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences. Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email.
Unfortunately, when typing her address, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
P.S. Sure is hot down here.
Computer Terminology
Log On: Makin’ the wood stove hotter.
Log Off: Don’t add no wood.
Monitor: Keepin’ an eye on the wood stove.
Download: Gettin’ the firewood off the pickup.
Mega Hertz: When yer not careful down loadin’.
Floppy Disk: Whatcha git from pilin’ too much firewood.
Ram: The hydrolic thingy that splits the firewood.
Hard Drive: Getting’ home in the winter season.
Prompt: What you wish the mail was in the winter.
Windows: What to shut when it’s below 15 below.
Screen: What ‘cha need for the black fly season.
Byte: That’s what the flies do.
Chip: What to munch on.
Micro Chip: What’s left in the bottom of the bag.
Infrared: Where the left-overs go when Fred’s around.
Modem: What ‘cha did to the hay fields.
Dot Matrix: Farmer Matrix’s wife.
Lap Top: Where little kids feel comfy.
Keyboard: Where ya hang your keys.
Software: Them plastic eatin’ utensils.
Mouse: Whats eats the horses grain.
Main Frame: Hold up the barn roof.
Port: Fancy wine.
Enter: C’mon in.
Random Access Memory: You can’t remember whatcha’ paid for that new rifle when your wife asks.
Computer Memory
Q: How does a computer tell you it needs more memory?
A: It says “byte me”
Signs Your Co-Worker Is a Hacker
– Everyone who ticks him or her off gets a $26,000 phone bill.
– Has won the Publisher’s Clearing House Sweepstakes three years running.
– When asked for their phone number, they give it in hex.
– Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.
– Somehow gets HBO on their PC at work.
– Mumbled, “Oh, puh-leeeez!” 295 times during the movie “The Net.”
– Massive 401k contribution made in half-cent increments.
– Their video dating profile lists “public-key encryption” among turn-ons.
– Instead of the “Welcome” voice on AOL, you overhear, “Good Morning, Mr./Ms. President.”
– You hear them murmur, “Let’s see you use that VISA card now, Professor “I-Don’t-Give-A’s-In-Computer-Science!”
