Where do the characters go when I use my backspace or delete them on my PC?
ANSWER: The characters go to different places, depending on whom you ask:
The Buddhist explanation: If a character has lived rightly, and its karma is good, then after it has been deleted it will be reincarnated as a different, higher character. Those funny characters above the numbers on your keyboard will become numbers, numbers will become letters, and lower-case letters will become upper-case.
The 20th-century bitter cynical nihilist explanation: Who cares? It doesn’t really matter if they’re on the page, deleted, undeleted, underlined, etc. It’s all the same.
The Mac user’s explanation: All the characters written on a PC and then deleted go to straight to PC hell. If you’re using a PC, you can probably see the deleted characters, because you’re in PC hell also.
Stephen King’s explanation: Every time you hit the (Del) key you unleash a tiny monster inside the cursor, who tears the poor, unsuspecting characters to shreds, drinks their blood, then eats them, bones and all. Hah, hah, hah!
The Christian Church’s approach to characters: The nice characters go to Heaven, where they are bathed in the light of happiness. The naughty characters are punished for their sins. Naughty characters are those involved in the creation of naughty words, such as “breast, ” “sex, ” and contraception.”
Dave Barry’s explanation: The deleted characters are shipped to Battle Creek, Michigan, where they’re made into Pop-Tart filling; this explains why Pop-Tarts are so flammable, while cheap imitations are not flammable. I’m not making this up.
IBM’s explanation: The characters are not real. They exist only on the screen when they are needed, as concepts, so to delete them is merely to de-conceptualize them. Get a life.
PETA’s (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) explanation: You’ve been DELETING them??? Can’t you hear them SCREAMING??? Why don’t you go CLUB some BABY SEALS while wearing a MINK, you pig!!!!
What Gender is Your Computer
A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. Things like ‘chalk’ or ‘pencil, ‘ she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral. Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, ‘What gender is a computer?’
The teacher wasn’t certain which it was, and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was made up of the women in the class, and the other, of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you might have had a better model.
The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
We Can Fix It
A computer engineer, a systems analyst, and a programmer are driving down a mountain road when the brakes fail. They scream down the mountain gaining speed every second and screeching around corners. Finally they manage to stop, more by luck than by judgment, mere inches from a thousand-foot drop to the jagged rocks on the valley floor. More than slightly shaken, they emerge from the car.
“I think I can fix it,” says the computer engineer.
The systems analyst says, “No, I think we should take it into town and have a specialist examine it.”
The programmer holds his chin between thumb and forefinger and says, “Okay, but first I think we ought to get back in and see if it does it again.”
It’s wise to remember how easily email can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences. Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email.
Unfortunately, when typing her address, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
P.S. Sure is hot down here.
What’s the difference between a computer and a woman?
A computer will accept a three-and-a-half-inch floppy.