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Funny Jokes

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Dr. Seuss as Technical Writer

Dr. Seuss as Technical Writer

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
and your data is corrupted ’cause the index doesn’t hash,
then your situation’s hopeless and your system’s gonna crash!

If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
but your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
that’s repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
’cause as sure as I’m a poet, the sucker’s gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy’s getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risc,
Then you have to flash your memory and you’ll want to RAM your ROM
Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!

Latest Computer Jokes

Computer vs. Air Conditioner

How is a computer like an air conditioner?

When you open Windows it won’t work!

Bless This Computer

Dear Lord,
Every single evening As I’m lying here in bed
This tiny little prayer Keeps running through my head.
God bless my mom and dad, And other family.
Keep them warm and safe from harm
For they’re so close to me.

And God, there is one more thing
I wish that you could do.
Hope you don’t mind me asking,
Bless my computer too.

Now I know that it’s not normal
To bless a mother board,
But listen just a second
While I explain to you ‘My Lord’.

You see, that little metal box
Holds more than odds & ends
Inside those small compartments
Rest so many of my FRIENDS.

I know so much about them
By the kindness that they give
And this little scrap of metal
Takes me in to where they work or live.

By faith is how I know them
Much the same as you
We share in what life brings us
And from that our friendship grew.

Please, take an extra minute
From your duties up above
To bless those in my address book
That’s filled with so much love!

Wherever else this prayer may reach
To each and every friend,
Bless each email inbox
And the person who hits “send”.

When you update your heavenly list
On your own CD-Rom
Remember each who’ve said this prayer
Sent up to God.com.

Amen.

The Programmer and the Princess

A programmer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.” He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.”
The programmer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you and do anything you want.” Again the programmer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess that I’ll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?” The programmer said, “Look, I’m a programmer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend — but a talking frog, now that’s cool.”

Bill Gates in Hell

Upon dying, Bill Gates went to purgatory.

St. Peter said to his, “Now Bill, you have done some good things, and you have done some bad things. Now I am going to let you decide where you want to go”.

So ,Bill takes a look at hell and sees these beautiful women running around, in 80 degree temperature, on beautiful beaches.

Then he took a look at heaven and it was nice, you know harps and singing and worship and stuff like that.

So he said to St. Peter that he would like to go to hell.

About a week later, St. Peter went down to hell to check on Bill. There he saw him, being whipped by demons.

He said to St. Peter, “What happened to all the beautiful women, and the beaches and the 80 degree temperature?”

Peter replied, “That was just the screen saver.”

How to be Annoying in the Computer Lab

• Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream, “Oh my God! They’ve found me!” and bolt.
• Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes and then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.
• When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can’t get the darned thing to work.
• After he/she’s turned it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, and repeat the process for a good half hour.
• Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.
• Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to a different screen than the one it’s set up with.
• Write a program that plays the “Pokemon” theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over and over again.
• Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.
• Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files.
• Use AIM to make passes at people you don’t know.
• Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.
• Bring a chainsaw, but don’t use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say, “Just in case…” mysteriously.
• Type on VAX for awhile. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes about everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing.
• Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they’re crazy while typing.
• Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting.
• Ask around for a spare zip disk. Offer $1. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, “Oops. Forgot.”
• Every time you press return and there is processing time required, pray, “Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease,” and scream “YES!” when it finishes.
• “Disk fight!”
• Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you, whether you know them or not.
• Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw.
• If you’re sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing “The Thong Song” whenever there is processing time required.
• Draw a picture of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper and tape it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that women (men) are worthless.
• Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge in the disk drive. When it doesn’t work, get the supervisor.
• When you start up a PC, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is.
• Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when it’s all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was a line or two.
• Sit and stare at the screen, chomping on your nails. After doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.
• Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to you. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is • far more effective to let them linger.
• If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them, and deposit them on your neighbor’s keyboard as you leave.
• Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British royal family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.
• Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them on top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic.
• Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions.
• Laugh hysterically, shout “You will all perish in a great flood” and continue working.
• Bring some dry ice and make it look like the computer is