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M.Y.A.S.S

This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be Year 2000 compliant. known as:

“Millennia Year Application Software System” (MYASS).

Next Monday there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a
good look at MYASS. We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands.

Some employees have begun using the program already. This morning I walked into a subordinate’s office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS. Some of the less technical people may be somewhat afraid of MYASS. Last week my secretary said to me, “I’m a little nervous, I never put anything in MYASS before.” I helped her through the first time and afterward she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again, and was even ready to kiss MYASS. There have been concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS.

This database will encompass all information associated with the business. As you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want in MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace for a supervisor to hand work to an employee and say, “here, stick this in MYASS.”

Latest Computer Jokes

Computer Nerds

A truck driver, hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers, stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door that says, “COMPUTER NERDS NOT ALLOWED – ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!” He enters and sits down.

The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, and says that he smells kind of nerdy. He then asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver explains to him that he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender serves him a beer and says, “OK, truck drivers aren’t nerds.”

As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in wearing a pair of glasses with tape around the middle, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt that is at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that.

The bartender replied, “Don’t worry. The computer nerds are in season because they are overpopulating Silicon Valley. You don’t even need a license.”

So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads for the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the road. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, snatching up all of the computers. The scavengers are comprised of engineers, accountants and programmers – computer geeks. Each of them wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.

He can’t let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, killing several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.

The truck driver said, “What’s wrong? I thought computer nerds were in season.”

“Well, sure,” says the patrolman, “But you can’t bait ’em!”

Computer Terminology

Log On: Makin’ the wood stove hotter.

Log Off: Don’t add no wood.

Monitor: Keepin’ an eye on the wood stove.

Download: Gettin’ the firewood off the pickup.

Mega Hertz: When yer not careful down loadin’.

Floppy Disk: Whatcha git from pilin’ too much firewood.

Ram: The hydrolic thingy that splits the firewood.

Hard Drive: Getting’ home in the winter season.

Prompt: What you wish the mail was in the winter.

Windows: What to shut when it’s below 15 below.

Screen: What ‘cha need for the black fly season.

Byte: That’s what the flies do.

Chip: What to munch on.

Micro Chip: What’s left in the bottom of the bag.

Infrared: Where the left-overs go when Fred’s around.

Modem: What ‘cha did to the hay fields.

Dot Matrix: Farmer Matrix’s wife.

Lap Top: Where little kids feel comfy.

Keyboard: Where ya hang your keys.

Software: Them plastic eatin’ utensils.

Mouse: Whats eats the horses grain.

Main Frame: Hold up the barn roof.

Port: Fancy wine.

Enter: C’mon in.

Random Access Memory: You can’t remember whatcha’ paid for that new rifle when your wife asks.

Three Hellos

A man comes home from work early to find his wife in bed with three men.

He is completely shocked and shouts, ”Hello, Hello, Hello!”

His wife whines, “What? No hello for me!?!”

Helisoft

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft’s electronic navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter’s position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said “WHERE AM I?” in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said “YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.”

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.

“I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer.”

OS Knights

In the realm of the Mighty King Gates who has pulled the sword from the stone and slaughtered everyone with it, comes the knights of the MS Table:

Sir DOS: Plain complexion and no armor. Rides very stably on his mare. He very rarely falls, but knows only the most basic combat tactics and is very difficult to talk to, since he speaks and understands no more than eight-letter words. King Gates plots to murder him.

Sir Windows 1.0: Sir DOS’s twin brother with a bad toupee. He falls off his horse quite frequently and knows no more than Sir DOS. Just as difficult to communicate with due to his obsession with eight-letter words. He was killed in his first battle. King Gates pretends this one never existed.

Sir Windows 3.x: Sir Windows 1.0’s best friend. He is a wee bit more stable on his horse than Sir Windows 1.0, yet not as good as Sir DOS. He’s got some really neat designs on his shield but still does not know much more than Sir DOS. Sir Windows 3.x has yet to overcome his devotion to eight-letter words. King Gates is always asking, ‘Why can’t you be more like that nice Sir Windows95?’

Sir Windows95: Sir Windows 3.x’s Brother. He’s got the same designs on his shield, but his armor is very shiny. Knows advanced combat skills, but never really puts them to use. Not confined to eight- letter words anymore, but it depends who he’s talking to. Claims to be able to converse with many people at once, but if he tries to coverse with too many, he’ll fall right off his horse and land on top of somebody. King Gates is proud of this one.

Sir Windows NT: Sir Windows95’s tough-guy uncle. He’s got duller designs on his shield, but the same shiny armor. His armor is virtually impenetrable, but a pain to get into and impossible to get out of — all he can do is add more layers. Falls off his horse every once in a while, and everyone else goes right with him. Can converse with many people at once without falling off. He knows advanced combat skills and uses them when necessary. Has the same problems with eight-letter words as Sir Windows95. This is King Gates’ favorite thing to show off. Now we leave the realm of the Mighty King Gates and find the wandering swordsman of the land:

Sir UNIX: Does not do battle and wears only chain mail. He finds all the information he can and his only goal is to distribute it to others who ask. Knows games and will play them, but likes work better. King Gates has sent Sir Windows NT out to kill and mutilate this knight.

Sir MAC OS: Started the fad of the shiny armor and claims the knights of the realm of King Gates stole his ideas. Lately his popularity has declined. And recently he has made an alliance with King Gates. He does not know any useful battle skills and will tell you only what he thinks you should know. The good thing about him is that he has no problem with long words.

Sir OS/2: Spied on Sir Windows 3.x and Sir Windows95 and copied them. He was popular for a time, but now many refuse to acknowledge his exsitstence. There is a rumor that he has a son named Warp.

King Gates reigns high over all that is his and destroys or consumes all that is not. And these are the OS Knights.