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Microsoft vs. shakespeare

They say that if you have an infinite number of monkeys typing at an infinite number of keyboards for an infinite period of time, you will get the collected works of Shakespeare.

If you get the source code to Microsoft Windows, you need to add more monkeys.

Latest Computer Jokes

Microsoft and a Halter Top

What do Microsoft and a halter top have in common?

Both offer very little support!

OS Knights

In the realm of the Mighty King Gates who has pulled the sword from the stone and slaughtered everyone with it, comes the knights of the MS Table:

Sir DOS: Plain complexion and no armor. Rides very stably on his mare. He very rarely falls, but knows only the most basic combat tactics and is very difficult to talk to, since he speaks and understands no more than eight-letter words. King Gates plots to murder him.

Sir Windows 1.0: Sir DOS’s twin brother with a bad toupee. He falls off his horse quite frequently and knows no more than Sir DOS. Just as difficult to communicate with due to his obsession with eight-letter words. He was killed in his first battle. King Gates pretends this one never existed.

Sir Windows 3.x: Sir Windows 1.0’s best friend. He is a wee bit more stable on his horse than Sir Windows 1.0, yet not as good as Sir DOS. He’s got some really neat designs on his shield but still does not know much more than Sir DOS. Sir Windows 3.x has yet to overcome his devotion to eight-letter words. King Gates is always asking, ‘Why can’t you be more like that nice Sir Windows95?’

Sir Windows95: Sir Windows 3.x’s Brother. He’s got the same designs on his shield, but his armor is very shiny. Knows advanced combat skills, but never really puts them to use. Not confined to eight- letter words anymore, but it depends who he’s talking to. Claims to be able to converse with many people at once, but if he tries to coverse with too many, he’ll fall right off his horse and land on top of somebody. King Gates is proud of this one.

Sir Windows NT: Sir Windows95’s tough-guy uncle. He’s got duller designs on his shield, but the same shiny armor. His armor is virtually impenetrable, but a pain to get into and impossible to get out of — all he can do is add more layers. Falls off his horse every once in a while, and everyone else goes right with him. Can converse with many people at once without falling off. He knows advanced combat skills and uses them when necessary. Has the same problems with eight-letter words as Sir Windows95. This is King Gates’ favorite thing to show off. Now we leave the realm of the Mighty King Gates and find the wandering swordsman of the land:

Sir UNIX: Does not do battle and wears only chain mail. He finds all the information he can and his only goal is to distribute it to others who ask. Knows games and will play them, but likes work better. King Gates has sent Sir Windows NT out to kill and mutilate this knight.

Sir MAC OS: Started the fad of the shiny armor and claims the knights of the realm of King Gates stole his ideas. Lately his popularity has declined. And recently he has made an alliance with King Gates. He does not know any useful battle skills and will tell you only what he thinks you should know. The good thing about him is that he has no problem with long words.

Sir OS/2: Spied on Sir Windows 3.x and Sir Windows95 and copied them. He was popular for a time, but now many refuse to acknowledge his exsitstence. There is a rumor that he has a son named Warp.

King Gates reigns high over all that is his and destroys or consumes all that is not. And these are the OS Knights.

Computer Nerds

A truck driver, hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers, stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door that says, “COMPUTER NERDS NOT ALLOWED – ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!” He enters and sits down.

The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, and says that he smells kind of nerdy. He then asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver explains to him that he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender serves him a beer and says, “OK, truck drivers aren’t nerds.”

As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in wearing a pair of glasses with tape around the middle, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt that is at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that.

The bartender replied, “Don’t worry. The computer nerds are in season because they are overpopulating Silicon Valley. You don’t even need a license.”

So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads for the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the road. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, snatching up all of the computers. The scavengers are comprised of engineers, accountants and programmers – computer geeks. Each of them wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.

He can’t let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, killing several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.

The truck driver said, “What’s wrong? I thought computer nerds were in season.”

“Well, sure,” says the patrolman, “But you can’t bait ’em!”

Bless This Computer

Dear Lord,
Every single evening As I’m lying here in bed
This tiny little prayer Keeps running through my head.
God bless my mom and dad, And other family.
Keep them warm and safe from harm
For they’re so close to me.

And God, there is one more thing
I wish that you could do.
Hope you don’t mind me asking,
Bless my computer too.

Now I know that it’s not normal
To bless a mother board,
But listen just a second
While I explain to you ‘My Lord’.

You see, that little metal box
Holds more than odds & ends
Inside those small compartments
Rest so many of my FRIENDS.

I know so much about them
By the kindness that they give
And this little scrap of metal
Takes me in to where they work or live.

By faith is how I know them
Much the same as you
We share in what life brings us
And from that our friendship grew.

Please, take an extra minute
From your duties up above
To bless those in my address book
That’s filled with so much love!

Wherever else this prayer may reach
To each and every friend,
Bless each email inbox
And the person who hits “send”.

When you update your heavenly list
On your own CD-Rom
Remember each who’ve said this prayer
Sent up to God.com.

Amen.

Computer Memory

Q: How does a computer tell you it needs more memory?

A: It says “byte me”