This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be Year 2000 compliant. known as:
“Millennia Year Application Software System” (MYASS).
Next Monday there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a
good look at MYASS. We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands.
Some employees have begun using the program already. This morning I walked into a subordinate’s office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS. Some of the less technical people may be somewhat afraid of MYASS. Last week my secretary said to me, “I’m a little nervous, I never put anything in MYASS before.” I helped her through the first time and afterward she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again, and was even ready to kiss MYASS. There have been concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS.
This database will encompass all information associated with the business. As you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want in MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace for a supervisor to hand work to an employee and say, “here, stick this in MYASS.”
You Might Be An Internet Explorer User…
1. If your email address is listed on your business cards as “firstname.lastname@example.org”, you might be an IE user.
2. If you actually think you will get $50 for “punching the monkey.”
3. When someone tells you to restart your computer and you turn the monitor off and back on, you just might be an IE user.
4. If someone tells you to go to “www.whatever.com” so you go to Google and search for it, you are probably an IE user.
5. If someone tells you you need a firewall and so you go to the store and buy Norton firewall in a box for $70, you might just possibly be an IE user.
6. When you get a popup ad showing a Windows-like warning and you think it is a Windows warning box, you might be an IE user.
7. If you web browser has 8 search bars and you don’t even know how they got there, you might be an IE user.
8. If you get pop-up ads and you aren’t even using the Internet, you just might possibly be an IE user.
9. If you have mysterious charges on your card because you received an email from “E-Bay” saying your account would be suspended if you didn’t update your credit card information by clicking “this link”, you must be an IE user.
10. If, while reading this list, you are receiving the message “NT AUTHORITY/SYSTEM will shut down in 60 seconds”, you might be an IE user.
Q: How does a computer tell you it needs more memory?
A: It says “byte me”
Why E-Mail is Like a Penis
Those who have it would be devastated if it was ever cut off.
Those who have it think that those who don’t are somehow inferior.
Those who don’t have it may agree that it’s neat, but think it’s not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.
Many of those who don’t have it would like to try it, a phenomenon psychologists call “E-Mail Envy.”
It’s more fun when it’s up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done.
In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species.
Some people still think that’s the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it mostly for fun.
If you don’t take proper precautions, it can spread viruses.
If you use it too much, you’ll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.
We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.
If you’re not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble.
If you play with it too much, you could go blind.
The Programmer and the Princess
A programmer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.” He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.”
The programmer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you and do anything you want.” Again the programmer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess that I’ll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?” The programmer said, “Look, I’m a programmer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend — but a talking frog, now that’s cool.”