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Funny Jokes

The largest collection of jokes.

We Can Fix It

A computer engineer, a systems analyst, and a programmer are driving down a mountain road when the brakes fail. They scream down the mountain gaining speed every second and screeching around corners. Finally they manage to stop, more by luck than by judgment, mere inches from a thousand-foot drop to the jagged rocks on the valley floor. More than slightly shaken, they emerge from the car.

“I think I can fix it,” says the computer engineer.

The systems analyst says, “No, I think we should take it into town and have a specialist examine it.”

The programmer holds his chin between thumb and forefinger and says, “Okay, but first I think we ought to get back in and see if it does it again.”

Latest Computer Jokes

Computer Terminology

Log On: Makin’ the wood stove hotter.

Log Off: Don’t add no wood.

Monitor: Keepin’ an eye on the wood stove.

Download: Gettin’ the firewood off the pickup.

Mega Hertz: When yer not careful down loadin’.

Floppy Disk: Whatcha git from pilin’ too much firewood.

Ram: The hydrolic thingy that splits the firewood.

Hard Drive: Getting’ home in the winter season.

Prompt: What you wish the mail was in the winter.

Windows: What to shut when it’s below 15 below.

Screen: What ‘cha need for the black fly season.

Byte: That’s what the flies do.

Chip: What to munch on.

Micro Chip: What’s left in the bottom of the bag.

Infrared: Where the left-overs go when Fred’s around.

Modem: What ‘cha did to the hay fields.

Dot Matrix: Farmer Matrix’s wife.

Lap Top: Where little kids feel comfy.

Keyboard: Where ya hang your keys.

Software: Them plastic eatin’ utensils.

Mouse: Whats eats the horses grain.

Main Frame: Hold up the barn roof.

Port: Fancy wine.

Enter: C’mon in.

Random Access Memory: You can’t remember whatcha’ paid for that new rifle when your wife asks.

Microsoft and a Halter Top

What do Microsoft and a halter top have in common?

Both offer very little support!

Bless This Computer

Dear Lord,
Every single evening As I’m lying here in bed
This tiny little prayer Keeps running through my head.
God bless my mom and dad, And other family.
Keep them warm and safe from harm
For they’re so close to me.

And God, there is one more thing
I wish that you could do.
Hope you don’t mind me asking,
Bless my computer too.

Now I know that it’s not normal
To bless a mother board,
But listen just a second
While I explain to you ‘My Lord’.

You see, that little metal box
Holds more than odds & ends
Inside those small compartments
Rest so many of my FRIENDS.

I know so much about them
By the kindness that they give
And this little scrap of metal
Takes me in to where they work or live.

By faith is how I know them
Much the same as you
We share in what life brings us
And from that our friendship grew.

Please, take an extra minute
From your duties up above
To bless those in my address book
That’s filled with so much love!

Wherever else this prayer may reach
To each and every friend,
Bless each email inbox
And the person who hits “send”.

When you update your heavenly list
On your own CD-Rom
Remember each who’ve said this prayer
Sent up to God.com.

Amen.

Some Character

Where do the characters go when I use my backspace or delete them on my PC?
ANSWER: The characters go to different places, depending on whom you ask:
The Buddhist explanation: If a character has lived rightly, and its karma is good, then after it has been deleted it will be reincarnated as a different, higher character. Those funny characters above the numbers on your keyboard will become numbers, numbers will become letters, and lower-case letters will become upper-case.

The 20th-century bitter cynical nihilist explanation: Who cares? It doesn’t really matter if they’re on the page, deleted, undeleted, underlined, etc. It’s all the same.

The Mac user’s explanation: All the characters written on a PC and then deleted go to straight to PC hell. If you’re using a PC, you can probably see the deleted characters, because you’re in PC hell also.

Stephen King’s explanation: Every time you hit the (Del) key you unleash a tiny monster inside the cursor, who tears the poor, unsuspecting characters to shreds, drinks their blood, then eats them, bones and all. Hah, hah, hah!

The Christian Church’s approach to characters: The nice characters go to Heaven, where they are bathed in the light of happiness. The naughty characters are punished for their sins. Naughty characters are those involved in the creation of naughty words, such as “breast, ” “sex, ” and contraception.”

Dave Barry’s explanation: The deleted characters are shipped to Battle Creek, Michigan, where they’re made into Pop-Tart filling; this explains why Pop-Tarts are so flammable, while cheap imitations are not flammable. I’m not making this up.

IBM’s explanation: The characters are not real. They exist only on the screen when they are needed, as concepts, so to delete them is merely to de-conceptualize them. Get a life.

PETA’s (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) explanation: You’ve been DELETING them??? Can’t you hear them SCREAMING??? Why don’t you go CLUB some BABY SEALS while wearing a MINK, you pig!!!!

Microsoft vs. shakespeare

They say that if you have an infinite number of monkeys typing at an infinite number of keyboards for an infinite period of time, you will get the collected works of Shakespeare.

If you get the source code to Microsoft Windows, you need to add more monkeys.