Funny Jokes
Send a Joke

Funny Jokes

The largest collection of jokes.

What Gender is Your Computer

A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. Things like ‘chalk’ or ‘pencil, ‘ she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral. Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, ‘What gender is a computer?’
The teacher wasn’t certain which it was, and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was made up of the women in the class, and the other, of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you might have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

Latest Computer Jokes

If Microsoft Was Looking for Drivers

If Microsoft built cars you would need to restart your car, then it would perform illegal operations and crash.

If Your City Was Like AOL

You’d live in a place where no two people had the same name, and all were hot 17/f cheerleaders with a fetish for pierced gay Dobermans in spandex.

You’d only pay $19.95 a month to live there, but half the time you tried to leave your house, the door would be stuck.

Once you got outside, even if you were in a hurry, you’d be assaulted by slimy little door-to-door salescreeps offering you great AOL 14.4 modems for only $399.99

The commute to work is just a double-click away, but every time you try to leave your driveway, the flow of traffic knocks you back into your yard.

48 hours after moving in, your mailbox would be overflowing with special offers, promotions and discounts from www.getlaid.com

The local post office would tell your mother you’re not a known resident.

The local post office wouldn’t forward your mail to you when you move.

The administration would kick you out of town for cursing after one of those brutal toe stubs.

If you saw a crime and called 911, they’d reply a week later with a form letter saying how you “really are important to us.”

The administration would tell your boss to either pay up, or move his slack-ass company somewhere else.

Everyone on the street would have something to do with kiddy porn, and this business would account for 75% of all city revenue.

Every time you went to the mall, people would run up to you and violently scream M/F??!!, AGE/SEX?!?! Or g0t PH1SH d3wd?!11 while little kids called your cell phone saying “Wanna SCREW?”

Those that didn’t do that would call you and say “Hi, I’m j0e hax0r from the town council. We had a database crash and lost your tax records. Please give us your address and the key to your house or we will be forced to evict you and your family.”

Every time you went shopping, you’d be kicked out of the store by a bouncer screaming “WE’RE SORRY, THIS STORE IS TEMPORARILY UNAVAILABLE.”

Whenever you traveled to other cities, people would see your license tag and laugh behind your back.

Even your 3 year old son would know the intimate personal details of the town security expert.

You’d occasionally be sent home during the day by another bouncer telling you that the city has performed an illegal operation, but that it’s really the Earth’s fault.

The local McDonalds sign would be realistically changed to “McHax0r Wuz H3r3” and “Gr33tz 2 K}It0sawruz” almost daily. Police don’t investigate, but do show up with little scrubby tools, or just remove the sign altogether.

Half the kids in the daycare you use are thinly disguised, fat, hairy, drooling, diapered men holding sacks of candy.

Your daughter would disappear to the No-Tell Motel every night, and you’d foot the bill.

Putting up controversial art in your home would result in the police bashing in your door, throwing your ass on the floor, and kicking the crap out of you while saying “Ya got two chances left, dickface. ROFLMAO LOL!!”

You’d send your kids to school for history, math, and science, but they’d wind up studying ph1shing, one-handed typing, and annoying acronyms.

You’d not have any idea who your neighbors are, and most new arrivals would move in at night, stuff everyone’s mailbox with crap, and vacate before sun-up.

The administration would secretly sell off chunks of their personal land in the city, while buying up neighboring cities with imaginary funds.

The administration would build a huge, state- of- the- art park, and allow the kids to play there free, then suddenly demand money while ripping down the swings and beating the kids currently playing there.

Don’t forget the AOL playground, which is locked so that the kiddies can not get out “for safety reasons,” and then hordes of perverts & pedophiles are allowed in.

The police would work for free out of some sort of “duty” to the city, but would secretly only be doing it for the free food stamps.

Upon waking every morning, a voice from above would shout, “HEY! YOU DO WANT A GODDAMN AOL VISA, DON’T YOU?” To which you say “no.” The voice then replies, “OK, I’LL ASK YOU TOMMOROW.”

A trip to the local library would find you a few ancient doom 2 patches, commercial pix of Pamela Anderson Lee, and a viral copy of PkZip 2.04g

Community events would be periodically interrupted because of the speaker randomly flying out of the meeting hall and appearing several minutes later with some stupid comment about a Punt Monster.

Your neighbors would be called to leave on pilgrimages to a mystical land called USENET, where they would bleat the virtues of your fair city.

Somewhere in another city, David Cassel would be sitting with a telescope trained on City Hall, smiling contentedly.

Bill Gates and General Motors

Bill Gates is hanging out with the chairman of General Motors.

“If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades,” boasts Gates, “you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50.”

“Sure,” says the GM chairman. “But would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?”

Microsoft and a Halter Top

What do Microsoft and a halter top have in common?

Both offer very little support!

Computer Riddles

Why do programmers always get Christmas and Halloween mixed up? Because DEC 25 = OCT 31
Why don’t the British build computers? Because they can’t figure out how to make them leak oil!

What do you call a computer scientist? It doesn’t matter what you call him. He’s too involved with the computer to come anyway.

What do miniskirts and hard disks have in common? Access time.

What do Unix sysadmins do when they’re horny? Mount a filesystem.

Why is “256 Ways To Make Love” the most quoted book on the Internet? It’s in the Fucking Manual

Why do Computer Science majors smell so bad? So that blind students can hate them too. Computer Riddles Why do programmers always get Christmas and Halloween mixed up? Because DEC 25 = OCT 31

Why don’t the British build computers? Because they can’t figure out how to make them leak oil!

What do you call a computer scientist? It doesn’t matter what you call him. He’s too involved with the computer to come anyway.

What do miniskirts and hard disks have in common? Access time.

What do Unix sysadmins do when they’re horny? Mount a filesystem.

Why is “256 Ways To Make Love” the most quoted book on the Internet? It’s in the Fucking Manual

Why do Computer Science majors smell so bad? So that blind students can hate them too.