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What Gender is Your Computer

A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. Things like ‘chalk’ or ‘pencil, ‘ she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral. Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, ‘What gender is a computer?’
The teacher wasn’t certain which it was, and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was made up of the women in the class, and the other, of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you might have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

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You Might Be An Internet Explorer User…

1. If your email address is listed on your business cards as “www.joesmith@yahoo.com”, you might be an IE user.

2. If you actually think you will get $50 for “punching the monkey.”

3. When someone tells you to restart your computer and you turn the monitor off and back on, you just might be an IE user.

4. If someone tells you to go to “www.whatever.com” so you go to Google and search for it, you are probably an IE user.

5. If someone tells you you need a firewall and so you go to the store and buy Norton firewall in a box for $70, you might just possibly be an IE user.

6. When you get a popup ad showing a Windows-like warning and you think it is a Windows warning box, you might be an IE user.

7. If you web browser has 8 search bars and you don’t even know how they got there, you might be an IE user.

8. If you get pop-up ads and you aren’t even using the Internet, you just might possibly be an IE user.

9. If you have mysterious charges on your card because you received an email from “E-Bay” saying your account would be suspended if you didn’t update your credit card information by clicking “this link”, you must be an IE user.

10. If, while reading this list, you are receiving the message “NT AUTHORITY/SYSTEM will shut down in 60 seconds”, you might be an IE user.

Writing’s Powerful Message

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed a desire to become a “great” writer.
When asked to define “great” he said “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, wail, howl in pain, desperation, and anger!”

He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.

Bless This Computer

Dear Lord,
Every single evening As I’m lying here in bed
This tiny little prayer Keeps running through my head.
God bless my mom and dad, And other family.
Keep them warm and safe from harm
For they’re so close to me.

And God, there is one more thing
I wish that you could do.
Hope you don’t mind me asking,
Bless my computer too.

Now I know that it’s not normal
To bless a mother board,
But listen just a second
While I explain to you ‘My Lord’.

You see, that little metal box
Holds more than odds & ends
Inside those small compartments
Rest so many of my FRIENDS.

I know so much about them
By the kindness that they give
And this little scrap of metal
Takes me in to where they work or live.

By faith is how I know them
Much the same as you
We share in what life brings us
And from that our friendship grew.

Please, take an extra minute
From your duties up above
To bless those in my address book
That’s filled with so much love!

Wherever else this prayer may reach
To each and every friend,
Bless each email inbox
And the person who hits “send”.

When you update your heavenly list
On your own CD-Rom
Remember each who’ve said this prayer
Sent up to God.com.

Amen.

Signs Your Co-Worker Is a Hacker

– Everyone who ticks him or her off gets a $26,000 phone bill.

– Has won the Publisher’s Clearing House Sweepstakes three years running.

– When asked for their phone number, they give it in hex.

– Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.

– Somehow gets HBO on their PC at work.

– Mumbled, “Oh, puh-leeeez!” 295 times during the movie “The Net.”

– Massive 401k contribution made in half-cent increments.

– Their video dating profile lists “public-key encryption” among turn-ons.

– Instead of the “Welcome” voice on AOL, you overhear, “Good Morning, Mr./Ms. President.”

– You hear them murmur, “Let’s see you use that VISA card now, Professor “I-Don’t-Give-A’s-In-Computer-Science!”

Microsoft vs. shakespeare

They say that if you have an infinite number of monkeys typing at an infinite number of keyboards for an infinite period of time, you will get the collected works of Shakespeare.

If you get the source code to Microsoft Windows, you need to add more monkeys.