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Funny Jokes

The largest collection of jokes.

30 Days Or $30

A man was caught for speeding and went before the judge.
The judge said, “What will you take….30 days or $30.”
The man replied, “I think I’ll take the money.”

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What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?

Q: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?

A: Claustrophobic.

Rookie Pitcher

A rookie pitcher was struggling at the mound, so the catcher walked up to have a talk with him.
“I’ve figured out your problem,” he told the young southpaw. “You always lose control at the same point in every game.”

“When is that?”

“Right after the National Anthem.”

Ten Things Men Shouldn’t Say Out Loud At Victoria’s Secret

10 – Does this come in children’s sizes?
09 – No Thanks. Just Sniffing.
08 – I’ll be in the dressing room going blind.
07 – Mom will love this.
06 – Oh the size won’t matter. She’s inflatable.
05 – No need to wrap it up. I’ll eat it here.
04 – Will you model this for me???
03 – The Miracle What??? This is better than world peace!!
02 – Forty Five bucks?? You’re just gonna end up naked ANYWAY!!

And the number one thing that a man should never, ever say out loud in Victoria’s Secret:

01 – Oh, honey, you’ll NEVER squeeze your ass into that!!

Success

At age 4, success is………………not peeing in your pants.
At age 12, success is………………having friends.
At age 20, success is………………having sex.
At age 35, success is………………making money.
At age 70, success is………………having sex.
At age 80, success is………………having friends.
At age 90, success is………………not peeing your pants.

If you were my husband…

A woman at a party walked up to a man and told him, “If you were my husband I would poison your drink.” The man replied, “If you were my wife I would drink it.”