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Funny Jokes

The largest collection of jokes.

A few Shorties

What do you call an advanced degree in sensationalistic journalism?
A doctor-it degree.

What’s the difference between a well-brushed equine and rapid teaching?
A well-brushed equine is a curried horse while rapid teaching makes for a hurried course.

What do you get for a friend who is graduating from Law School?
A Lobotomy.

Latest

Four Worms and a Funeral

Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol. The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a jar of sperm. The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.
After one day:

First worm – dead

Second worm – dead.

Third worm – dead.

Fourth worm – alive.

Lesson: As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won’t get worms!

Piece of Ass

One day a teacher had a taste test with her students. She picked a little boy to do the first test. She blindfolded him, put a Hershey kiss in is mouth and asked, “Do you know what it is?”

“No, I don’t,” said the little boy.

“Okay, I’ll give you a clue. It’s the thing your daddy wants from your Mom before he goes to work.”

That’s when a little girl at the back of the room yelled, “Spit it out! It’s a piece of ass!!”

Lettuce

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce who?
Let us in; we’re freezing!

The shortest math joke

The shortest math joke ever: let epsilon < 0 (*)

The Perfect Husband

Several men are sitting around in the locker room of a private club after exercising, when suddenly a cell phone sitting on the bench rings. One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:

“Hello?”

“Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”

“Yes.”

“Great! I’m at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It’s absolutely gorgeous! Can I buy it?”

“What’s the price?”

“Only $1,500.00.”

“Okay, but for that price I want it with all the extras.”

“Great! But before we hang up, there’s something else…”

“Yes?”

“It might seem like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and…I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we looked at last year is on sale! Remember? The one with a pool, English garden, an acre of park area, beachfront property…”

“How much are they asking?”

“Only $450,000…a magnificent price…and I see that we have that much in the bank…”

“Well, then, go ahead and buy it, but only bid $420,000. Okay?”

“Okay, sweetie…Thanks! I’ll see you later! I love you!”

“Bye…” The man hangs up, closes the phone flap, and yells, “Hey, does anybody know whose phone this is?”