Translating Male Phrases
“I’m going fishing.”
Really means… “I’m going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.”
“It’s a guy thing.”
Really means…. “There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.”
“Can I help with dinner?”
Really means… “Why isn’t it already on the table?”
“Uh huh,” “Sure, honey,” or “Yes, dear.”
Really means… Absolutely nothing. It’s a conditioned response.
“It would take too long to explain.”
Really means… “I have no idea how it works.”
“I’m getting more exercise lately.”
Really means… “The batteries in the remote are dead.”
“We’re going to be late.”
Really means… “Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac.”
Not long enough!
A woman is helping her computer illiterate husband set up his computer. She instructs him to choose and enter a password he wants to use, when logging on.
The husband, in a rather amorous mood, figures he will try for a shock effect to bring his mood to his wife’s attention. So when the computer asks him to enter his password, he makes it plainly obvious to his wife that he is keying in the word, “PENIS”.
His wife nearly falls off the he chair from laughing so hard, when the computer replies:
**PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH. ***
Call Centre vs Prison
IN PRISON you spend the majority of your time in an 8×10 cell.
IN A CALL CENTRE you spend most of your time in a 6×8 cubicle (if you’re lucky).
IN PRISON you get three meals a day.
IN A CALL CENTRE you only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON you get time off for good behavior.
IN A CALL CENTRE you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
IN PRISON a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
IN A CALL CENTRE you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
IN PRISON you can watch TV and play games.
IN A CALL CENTRE you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON you get your own toilet.
IN A CALL CENTRE you have to share.
IN PRISON they allow your family and friends to visit.
IN A CALL CENTRE you cannot even speak to your family and friends.
IN PRISON all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
IN A CALL CENTRE you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
IN A CALL CENTRE you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
IN PRISON there are wardens who are often sadistic.
IN A CALL CENTRE they are called managers.
Mother to daughter advice
Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day.
But teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.
Rules for Dating my Daughter
Rule One: I am aware that it is concidered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off your hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are idiots. Still, I want to be fair. You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants 10 sizes to big, and I will not object. However, to ensure that your pants do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place at your waist.
Rule Two: I’m sure that you have been told that in today’s world sex without a barrier can be deadly. Let me elaborate: When it comes to sex, I am the barrier and I will kill you.
Rule Three: I have no doubt the you are a popular fellow, with many oppurtunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my daughter, you will continue to date no one but her until she is through with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Four: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not fidget and complain. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup — a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there why don’t you do something useful, like change the oil in my car?
Rule Five: The following places are not approporiate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are sofas, beds or anything softer than a wooden stool or folding chair; places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight; places where there is darkness; places where the ambient temperature would induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts or anything other than overalls, a sweater and a goose down parka, zipped up to her chin. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule 6: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been, but on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule 7: Be careful, be very careful. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When the flashbacks start, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean my guns as I sit at home waiting for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway, you should exit your car, with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safetly and early, then return to your car. There is no need for you to come inside. The camoflauged face in the window is mine.
