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Funny Jokes

The largest collection of jokes.

A Ton Of Jokes About Men

How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
Both of them.
Why did the man cross the road?
He heard the chicken was a slut.

Why don’t women blink during foreplay?
They don’t have time.

Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They don’t stop and ask for directions.

How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer.

What is the difference between men and government bonds?
The bonds mature.

Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don’t know; it has never happened.

Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
They all already have boyfriends.

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A widow.

When do you care for a man’s company?
When he owns it.

Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.

How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
His hand caught fire.

How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.

What did God say after creating man?
I must be able to do better than that.

What did God say after creating Eve?
Practice makes perfect.

Man says to God: “God, why did you make woman so beautiful?”
God says: “So you would love her.”
“But God,” the man says, “why did you make her so dumb?”
God says: “So she would love you.”

Latest Funny Jokes

The Irish Prostitute

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily.
‘Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn’t ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?’
The girl, crying, replied, Dad… I became a prostitute.’
‘Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You’re a disgrace to this Catholic family.’
‘OK, Dad… as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a 5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that’s parked outside plus a membership to the country club … (takes a breath) … and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year’s Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.’
‘What was it ye said ye had become?’ says Dad.
Girl, crying again, ‘A prostitute, Daddy!.’
‘Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant! Come here and give yer old Dad a hug !!!

Farmers Date

A farmer had 3 lovely daughters, all who had dates on Friday night. One by one the local boys came by to pick them up.

The first boy arrived and said: “Hi, I’m Eddie, I’m here for Betty, we’re going steady, is she ready?”

The farmer called Betty and she and Eddie went on their way.

The second boy arrived and said: “Hi, I’m Joe, I’m here for Flo, we’re going to the show, is she ready to go?”

The farmer called Flo and she and Joe went on their way.

The third boy arrived in an old beat up pickup, came to the door and said: “Hi, I’m Chuck”

The farmer shot him.

$5 Prostitute

Clinton is out jogging around in some of the seedier areas of Washington D.C. He notices a good looking prostitute. She sees this and calls out: “Fifty dollars!” He is tempted, but the price is a little high. So he calls back: “Five!” She is disappointed and turns away and Bill continues his jog.

A few days later, he finds himself jogging in the same area and as luck would have it, the prostitute is still there. But she want not come down on her price. “Fifty!” she shouts and Bill answers her: “Five!” No sale.

About a week later, Hillary has decided that she wants to get into shape so she demands to go jogging with Bill. They get to the seedy part of town and the same prostitute is still there. She eyes Bill and Hillary together and yells: “See what you get for five dollars!”

Sweet Heart

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart’s birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic, but not too personal.

Accompanied by his sweetheart’s younger sister, he went to Nordstrom and bought a pair of white gloves.

The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:

“I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before
putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All
my love.

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.”

Show the map again!

A guy is walking along the shoreline at the beach wearing just a pair of cutoff jeans. Sure enough he kicks up a bottle, pulls the cork, and out comes the Genie to give him one wish. He pulls out a map of the Middle East, and asks the Genie if he can bring Peace to this part of the World.
The Genie pales, and says “Master, these people have been at war since time began. It is their nature, the very fiber of their lives. What you ask is totally impossible. It is probably the only wish I cannot grant you. Ask for anything else and I will make it happen.”

“OK”, the dude says, “tomorrow morning have my wife awaken me, with the best blow job I’ve ever had, on her own, without my begging and pleading. Because SHE LIKES IT, because SHE WANTS TO, because IT TURNS HER ON!!”

The Genie shakes his head and says “LET ME SEE THAT MAP AGAIN!”