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Actual Medical Chart Notes

1. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
3. On the second day, the knee was better, and then on the third day it disappeared.
4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
6. Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.
7. Healthy-appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
8. The patient refused autopsy.
9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
11. Patient’s medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the last three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
14. She is numb from her toes down.
15. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
16. The skin was moist and dry.
17. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
18. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.
20. Rectal examination revealed a normal-size thyroid.
21. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
22. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
23. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus-sized.
24. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
25. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
26. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
27. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
28. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. ____, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
29. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
30. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was hot in bed last night.
31. Patient was found in bed with her power mower.

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The Juggler

A professional juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police.

What are you doing with these matches and lighter fluid in your car, asks the police officer. I’m
a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act. Oh yeah? Let’s see you do it, says the officer.

So the juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches
masterfully.

A couple driving by slows down to watch. “Wow,” says the driver to his
wife. “I’m glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they’re giving now!”

Double

Did you hear about the guy on the beach who found a bottle? He rubbed it and, sure enough, out popped a Genie.
“I will grant you three wishes,” said the Genie. “But there’s a catch.”
“What catch?” he asked.
The Genie replied, “Every time you make a wish, every lawyer in the world will receive DOUBLE what you asked for.”
“Well, I can live with that! No problem!” replied the elated man.
“What is your first wish?” asked the Genie.
“Well, I’ve always wanted a Ferrari.”
POOF! A Ferrari appeared in front of the man.
“NOW, every lawyer in the world has TWO Ferraris,” said the Genie.
“Next wish?”
“I’d LOVE a million dollars…” replied the man.
POOF! One million dollars appeared at his feet.
“NOW, every lawyer in the world has TWO MILLION dollars,” said the Genie.
“Well, that’s okay, as long as I’ve got MY million,” replied the man.
“What is your final wish?”
The man thought long and hard, and finally said, “Well, you know, I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney….”

The 12 marriages

A lawyer got married to a woman who had previously been married 12 times. On their wedding night, they settled into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride said to her new groom, “Please, promise to be gentle. I am still a virgin.”

This puzzled the groom, since after 12 marriages, he thought that at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He asked his new bride to explain the phenomenon.

She responded:

My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent our entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, ‘It’s gonna be great!’

My second husband was from Software Services; he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he would send me documentation.

My third husband was from Field Services and constantly said that everything was diagnostically OK, but he just couldn’t get the system up.

My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and he simply said, Those who can, do; those who can’t, teach.

My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department and said that he had the orders, but he wasn’t quite sure when he was going to be able to deliver.

My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood the basic process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

My seventh husband was from Finance and Administration. His comments were that he knew how, but he just wasn’t sure whether it was his job.

My eighth husband was from Standards and Regulations and told me that he was up to the standards but that regulations said nothing about how to do it.

My ninth husband was a Marketing Manager. He said, ‘I know I have the product. I’m just not sure how to position it.’

My tenth husband was a psychiatrist, and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it.

My eleventh husband was a gynecologist, and all he ever wanted to do was look at it.

My twelfth husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to do was — God I miss him!

So now I have married a lawyer, so I know I’m going to get screwed!

Take Off My Clothes

My wife came home the other night and told me to take off her blouse.

Then she told me to take off her skirt. Then she told me never to wear her clothes again.

What a difference 30 years can make

1970: Long hair
2000: Longing for hair

1970: The perfect high
2000: The perfect high yield mutual fund

1970: KEG
2000: EKG

1970: Acid rock
2000: Acid reflux

1970: Moving to California because it’s cool
2000: Moving to California because it’s warm

1970: Growing pot
2000: Growing pot belly

1970: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2000: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

1970: Seeds and stems
2000: Roughage

1970: Popping pills, smoking joints
2000: Popping joints

1970: Killer weed
2000: Weed killer

1970: Hoping for a BMW
2000: Hoping for a BM

1970: The Grateful Dead
2000: Dr. Kevorkian

1970: Going to a new, hip joint
2000: Receiving a new hip joint

1970: Rolling Stones
2000: Kidney stones

1970: Being called into the principal’s office
2000: Calling the principal’s office

1970: Screw the system
2000: Upgrade the system

1970: Disco
2000: Costco

1970: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2000: Children begging you to get their heads shaved

1970: Taking acid
2000: Taking antacid

1970: Passing the drivers test
2000: Passing the vision test

1970: Whatever
2000: Depends