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Arnold Schwarzenegger Jokes

“In a shocking announcement, Governor Schwarzenegger said he supports changing the constitution to allow people like him to run for president. I’m shocked he would want that. Do you think he can win? Well, you know, it’s interesting, he has Ronald Reagan’s appeal as an actor and George W. Bush’s difficulty with the English language. And, let’s not forget, he’s got a little Clinton in there too, so he could win.” —Jay Leno

“Arnold Schwarzenegger has announced he will refuse his $175,000 salary and will work for free. I believe he will be worth every penny.” —Craig Kilborn

“Arnold Schwarzenegger was sworn in as the Governor of California. He put one hand in the air, the other hand on the Bible, which is a good start — at least we know where his hands are now.” —Jay Leno

“Today was Arnold Schwarzenegger’s inauguration as Governor of California. Arnold was told to ‘Raise your right hand and butcher the English language after me.'” —Craig Kilborn

“There was one tricky moment — to get Arnold to put his hand on the Bible, they stuck it in Paris Hilton’s bra.” —Craig Kilborn

“Arnold Schwarzenegger was sworn in as governor yesterday in the mystical land of the west known as Kali-forn-ia. Celebrities attended the event, including national anthem singer Vanessa Williams. But the moment everyone was waiting for was the swearing in. The Bible used for the swearing in ceremony was 200 years old and belonged to his in-laws, the Kennedys. That may explain why the Leviticus chapter is interspersed with the phone numbers of Rockettes.” —Jon Stewart

“Earlier today in California Arnold Schwarzenegger was sworn in as Governor. After being sworn in, Arnold wasted no time and got right down to groping.” —David Letterman

“Immediately after Arnold was sworn in, Gloria Alred jumped in: “While you have your hand on the Bible, I’d like to ask you a few questions.” —Jay Leno

“More problems for Governor-elect Arnold Schwarzenegger. California Attorney General Bill Locklear has suggested a special toll free number be set up for women to call in allegations about Arnold’s past. I have a better idea — why not make it a 900 number and charge $1.99 a minute. We’ll pay off that $33 billion dollars right there.” —Jay Leno

“As you know Arnold is investigating himself. He will subpoena both of his hands, and if he finds any evidence of wrongdoing he is going to sue himself.” —Jay Leno

“In Washington, Arnold Schwarzenegger met with Vice President Dick Cheney. So, the Terminator met the Defibrillator. The difference between Schwarzenegger and Cheney is that when Cheney grabs a chest, it’s his own.” —Jay Leno

“Governor-elect Arnold Schwarzenegger is in Washington D.C. today. He and Ted Kennedy went to lunch. Your state’s on fire and what do you do? A three-martini lunch with Ted Kennedy.” —David Letterman

“Bush joked last week during his meeting with Schwarzenegger that they are both sometimes accused of misspeaking the language. Mr. President, he’s from a foreign country.” —Jon Stewart

“On Thursday in California, President Bush met privately with Governor-elect Arnold Schwarzenegger. What did the pair talk about? Neither is sure.” —Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live’s “Weekend Update”

“Arnold Schwarzenegger met with President Bush. It’s amazing if you think about it. It was the Terminator and the One-Terminator.” —David Letterman

“Arnold Schwarzenegger will probably be the keynote speaker at the Republican National Convention, which is very smart, because after Schwarzenegger speaks, Bush’s English won’t sound so bad.” —Jay Leno

“Arnold Schwarzenegger announced he is going to ask President Bush for help with the budget. What better way to deal with a $38 billion deficit than get advice from a guy that created a $450 billion deficit.”

Latest Funny Jokes

Young Couple

A young couple got married, and in their family, it was tradition that the best man dance with the bride for the first song. Well, this happened…but then they danced for the second song too. And the third. By the time the fourth song came on, the groom ran up and kicked the bride between the legs. A riot broke out, and all the invited guests were hauled off to jail.
In court the next week, the judge asked the best man what happened.

”Your honor, we were just dancing, and the groom ran up and kicked the bride between the legs.”

”That must have hurt,” said the judge.

”No kidding,” said the best man. ”I broke three of my fingers.”

Texas Oil Man

“Harlen, I want you to buy me a divorce,” the big Texan boomed to his attorney. “That wife of mine ain’t behavin’ right. She’s MY woman and she’s supposed to do what I say.”
“Well, R.J., a wife isn’t exactly property, you know,” the lawyer said. “You don’t own her the way you own an oil well.”

“Maybe not,” R.J. conceded, “but I damn well oughta have exclusive drilling rights.”

Flies Have Wings, Why?

Do you know why flies have wings?
So they can beat the hicks to the watermelon.

Joe D. Days

A Yankees fan was enjoying himself at the game in a packed Yankee Stadium, until he noticed an empty seat down in front. He went down and asked the guy next to it if he knew whose seat it was.
The guy said, “Yes, that’s my wife’s seat. We have never missed a game since Joe DiMaggio played, but now my wife is dead.”

The fan offered his sympathy and said it was really too bad that he couldn’t find some relative to enjoy the game with.

“Oh no. I can.” the guy replied. “It’s just that they’re all at the funeral.”

You’ve got mail!

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox and again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?”

To which she replied, “There certainly is!”

My stupid computer keeps saying, “You’ve got mail!”