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Funny Jokes

The largest collection of jokes.

BBC News

BBC News: “Scots throw away £460 worth of food each every year”
Maybe McDonald’s should stop putting salad in their burgers.

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What do squirrels give for Valentine’s Day?

Q: What do squirrels give for Valentine’s Day?

A: Forget-me-nuts.

Kinds Of Doctors

There are several kinds of doctors, and it is told that they can be differentiated by the following method:

General Practitioners know nothing and do little.

Surgeons know little and do everything.

Internists knows everything and do nothing.

Pathologists know everything and can do everything, but it’s usually too late.

Friend from planet Zog!

(From the movie “Bean”):
“You didn’t tell me that you will bring your friend from planet Zog!”
*points at Mr. Bean*
*Mr. Bean looks behind himself*

Teacher

Sam: Would you punish me for some thing i didn’t do?
Teacher: no, of course not.
Sam: good, because i didn’t do my homework.

The Perfect Husband

Several men are sitting around in the locker room of a private club after exercising, when suddenly a cell phone sitting on the bench rings. One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:

“Hello?”

“Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”

“Yes.”

“Great! I’m at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It’s absolutely gorgeous! Can I buy it?”

“What’s the price?”

“Only $1,500.00.”

“Okay, but for that price I want it with all the extras.”

“Great! But before we hang up, there’s something else…”

“Yes?”

“It might seem like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and…I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we looked at last year is on sale! Remember? The one with a pool, English garden, an acre of park area, beachfront property…”

“How much are they asking?”

“Only $450,000…a magnificent price…and I see that we have that much in the bank…”

“Well, then, go ahead and buy it, but only bid $420,000. Okay?”

“Okay, sweetie…Thanks! I’ll see you later! I love you!”

“Bye…” The man hangs up, closes the phone flap, and yells, “Hey, does anybody know whose phone this is?”