Call on an Expert
Little Johnny was playing with his father’s wallet when he accidently swallowed a quarter. He went crying to him mom, choking on the quarter. They took him to a doctor, who said that the quarter was impossible to remove without surgery, they consulted a specialist who was of the same opinion.
Then came a man who said he could get the money out in a jiffy. He turned little Johnny upside down and patted him with great precision on the back of neck and, sure enough, the quarter rolled out.
Everyone was amazed, the father said “You must be an expert!”
The man replied, “No sir I’m just a tax collector.”
Where’s My Pajamas?
A man phones home from the office and tells his wife, “Something has just come up. I have the chance to go fishing for a week. It’s the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away, so can you pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas? I’ll be home in an hour to pick them up.”
He hurries home, grabs everything and rushes off.
A week later he returns. His wife asks, “Did you have a good trip?”
“Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas.”
“Oh no I didn’t. I put them in your tackle box.”
Touchy Feely Cracky
In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the shoulders of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, “Just what the hell are you doing?”
“Well,” said the guy, “I”m a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can”t help practicing my art!”
“That”s the stupidest thing I”ve ever heard!” the guy replied. “I work for the IRS. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?”
Frank always looked on the bright side. He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply, “It could have been worse.” To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it.
On the golf course one day, one of them said, “Frank, did you hear about Tom? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!”
“That’s awful,” said Frank, “But it could have been worse.”
“How in the hell,” asked his bewildered friend, “Could it have been worse?”
“Well,” replied Frank, “If it happened the night before, I’d be dead now!”
Grosser than gross.. underwear
What’s grosser than gross?
When you throw your underwear and it sticks to the wall.
What’s grosser than that?
When you come back an hour later and it’s moved up three feet