Baseball in heaven
Two buddies, Bob and Earl, were two of the biggest baseball fans in America.
Their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter, and they poured over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.
One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy.
A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob’s voice from beyond.
“Bob is that you?” Earl asked.
“Of course it me,” Bob replied.
“This is unbelievable!” Earl exclaimed. “So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?”
“Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?”
“Tell me the good news first.”
“Well, the good news is that yes, there is baseball in heaven, Earl.”
“Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?”
“You’re pitching tomorrow night.”
Show the map again!
A guy is walking along the shoreline at the beach wearing just a pair of cutoff jeans. Sure enough he kicks up a bottle, pulls the cork, and out comes the Genie to give him one wish. He pulls out a map of the Middle East, and asks the Genie if he can bring Peace to this part of the World.
The Genie pales, and says “Master, these people have been at war since time began. It is their nature, the very fiber of their lives. What you ask is totally impossible. It is probably the only wish I cannot grant you. Ask for anything else and I will make it happen.”
“OK”, the dude says, “tomorrow morning have my wife awaken me, with the best blow job I’ve ever had, on her own, without my begging and pleading. Because SHE LIKES IT, because SHE WANTS TO, because IT TURNS HER ON!!”
The Genie shakes his head and says “LET ME SEE THAT MAP AGAIN!”
Learn To Speak Chinese
Are you harboring a fugitive- Hu Yu Hai Ding
See me A.S.A.P. – Kum Hia Nao
Small Horse – Tai Ni Po Ni
Your price is too high – No Bai Dam Thing
Did you go to the beach – Wai Yu So Tan
I bumped into a coffee table – Ai Bang Mai Ni
I think you need a facelift – Chin Tu Fat
It’s very dark in here – Wai So Dim?
Has your flight been delayed? – Hao Long Wei Ting?
That was an unauthorized execution.- Lin Ching
I thought you were on a diet – Wai Yu Mun Ching?
This is a tow away zone. – No Pah King
You are not very bright – Yu So Dum
I got this for free – Ai No Pei
I am not guilty – Wai Hang Mi?
Please, stay a while longer – Wai Go Nao?
Our meeting was scheduled for next week – Wai Yu Kum Nao
They have arrived – Hia Dei Kum
Stay out of sight – Lei Lo
He’s cleaning his automobile – Wa Shing Ka
Does this bathroom stink! Hu Flung Dung?
Ring my bell
In a house in New Jersey, the doorbell rings. The Madame (it’s one of those houses) comes to the door and answers it. There is a man with no arms and no legs on the doorstep.
“What do you want?” she asks.
“I want a woman,” he says.
“A woman? You don’t have any arms or legs. What are you going to do with a woman?”
“I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”
Bear Chase
Two guys are out hiking. All of a sudden, a bear starts chasing them.
They climb a tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them. The first guy gets his sneakers out of his knapsack and starts putting them on.
The second guy says, “What are you doing?”
He says, “I figure when the bear gets close to us, we’ll jump down and make a run for it.”
The second guy says, “Are you crazy? You can’t outrun a bear.”
The first guy says, “I don’t have to outrun the bear. I only have to outrun you.”
