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Funny Jokes

The largest collection of jokes.

Bungee Jumping in Mexico

Two Americans decide to open a bungee-jumping business in Mexico.
They set up on the square of a small village. Bob jumps, bounces at the end of the cord, and flies back up by the platform. Jeff isn’t able to catch his friend, but he notices he has a few cuts and scratches.

Bob falls again, bounces, and comes back up. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, Jeff misses him. The third time it happens, Bob comes back pretty messed up – he’s got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, Jeff finally catches him and says, “Holy cow, what happened? Was the cord too long?”

Bob looks confused and says, “No, the cord was fine… but what the heck is a pinata?”

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Grosser than gross.. underwear

What’s grosser than gross?
When you throw your underwear and it sticks to the wall.

What’s grosser than that?
When you come back an hour later and it’s moved up three feet

The well behaved son

Lady 1: My son is very well behaved.
Lady 2: How can you say that? Wasn’t he arrested and imprisoned for 5 years.
Lady 1: Yes, but he got out after 2 years for good behavior inside the jail.

Voice

A guy went home from work one night and heard a voice. The voice whispered to him: “Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas.” The man was disturbed about what he heard and ignored the voice. The next day when he got home from work, the same thing happened. The voice whispered to him: “Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas.” Again the man ignored the voice, though he was very troubled by the event. Every day, the man was tormented by the same voice when he came home from work: “Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas.” Each time the man heard the voice he became increasingly upset. Finally, after two weeks, he succumbed to the pressure. He quit his job, sold his house, got together all his money and headed to Vegas. The moment the man got off the plane in Vegas, the voice told him, “Go to Harrah’s.”

So he hopped in a cab and rushed over to Harrah’s. As soon as he set foot in the casino, the voice echoed, “Go to the roulette table.” The man did as he was told. When he arrived at the roulette table, the voice firmly told him, “Put all your money on 17.” Nervously, the man cashed in his money for chips and then put them all on 17. The dealer wished the man good luck and spun the roulette wheel. Around and around the ball caromed. The man anxiously watched the ball as it slowly lost speed until finally it settled into number . . . 21. The voice said, “Dang it…”

Things Found Only in America

1. Only in America……can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America……are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America……do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America……do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
5. Only in America……do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America……do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America……do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America……do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America……do we use the word ’politics’ to describe the process so well: Poli’ in Latin meaning ’many’ and ’tics’ meaning ’bloodsucking creatures’.
10. Only in America……do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

The Farmer Joke

On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: “Sir, do you realize your wife
fell out of the car several miles back?”

To which the farmer replied: “Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!”