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Funny Jokes

The largest collection of jokes.

Call on an Expert

Little Johnny was playing with his father’s wallet when he accidently swallowed a quarter. He went crying to him mom, choking on the quarter. They took him to a doctor, who said that the quarter was impossible to remove without surgery, they consulted a specialist who was of the same opinion.

Then came a man who said he could get the money out in a jiffy. He turned little Johnny upside down and patted him with great precision on the back of neck and, sure enough, the quarter rolled out.

Everyone was amazed, the father said “You must be an expert!”

The man replied, “No sir I’m just a tax collector.”

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Million Dollars

A man was walking through a forest pondering life. He walked, pondered, walked, and pondered. He felt very close to nature and even close to God. He felt so close to God that he felt if he spoke God would listen. So he asked, “God, are you listening?”

And God replied, “Yes my son, I am here.”

The man stopped and pondered some more. He looked towards the sky and said, “God, what is a million years to you?”

God replied, “Well my son, a second to me is like a million years to you.”

So the man continued to walk and to ponder… walk and ponder… Then he looked to the sky again and said, “God, what is a million dollars to you?”

And God replied, “My son, my son…a penny to me is like a million dollars to you. It means almost nothing to me. It does not even have a value it is so little.”

The man looked down, pondered a bit and then looked up to the sky and said, “God, can I have a million dollars?”

And God replied, “In a second.”

Baseball in heaven

Two buddies, Bob and Earl, were two of the biggest baseball fans in America.

Their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter, and they poured over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.

One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy.

A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob’s voice from beyond.

“Bob is that you?” Earl asked.

“Of course it me,” Bob replied.

“This is unbelievable!” Earl exclaimed. “So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?”

“Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?”

“Tell me the good news first.”

“Well, the good news is that yes, there is baseball in heaven, Earl.”

“Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?”

“You’re pitching tomorrow night.”

Lost my testicles

A man was being interviewed for a job. “Were you in the service?” asked the interviewer.

“Yes, I was a marine,” responded the applicant.

“Did you see any active duty?”

“I was in Vietnam for 2 years and I have a partial disability.”

“May I ask what happened?”

“Well, I had a grenade go off between my legs and I lost both testicles.”

“You’re hired. You can start Monday at 10 am.”

The man asked, “When does everyone else start? I don’t want any preferential treatment because of my disability.”

“Everyone else starts at 7 am but I might as well be honest with you. Nothing gets done between 7 and 10. We just sit around scratching our balls trying to decide what to do first.”

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.”

“What?” said the puzzled groom.

“How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?”

“Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!”

“Good,” said the new husband, “but, why?”

“You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!”

10 reasons why latinos can’t be terrorist

10. 8:45am is too early for us to be up. 
9. We are always late, we would have missed all 4 flights. 
8. Pretty people on the plane distract us. 
7. We would talk loudly and bring attention to ourselves. 
6. Food and drinks were on the plane. 
5. We talk with our hands, we would have put our weapons down. 
4. We would all want to fly the plane. 
3. We would argue and start a fight in the plane. 
2. We would have told everyone a week before doing it. 
1. We would have put our countries flag on the windshield.