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Funny Jokes

The largest collection of jokes.

Chicken Wire & Duct Tape

An old man in Mississippi is sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor’s kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. “Hey boy, whatcha got there?”
“Roll of chicken wire.”

“What you gonna do with that?”

“Gonna catch some chickens.”

“You damn fool! You can’t catch chickens with chicken wire!” The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by, dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

The next morning, the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something in his hand. “Hey boy, whatcha got there?”

“Roll of duct tape.”

“What you gonna do with that?”

“Gonna catch me some ducks.”

“You damn fool! You can’t catch ducks with duct tape!”

The boy just laughs and keeps walking.That night around sunset the boy walks by, trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duct tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

The next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. ”Hey boy, whatcha got there?”

“It’s a pussy willow.”

“Wait up…I’ll get my hat.”

Latest Funny Jokes

Lost my testicles

A man was being interviewed for a job. “Were you in the service?” asked the interviewer.

“Yes, I was a marine,” responded the applicant.

“Did you see any active duty?”

“I was in Vietnam for 2 years and I have a partial disability.”

“May I ask what happened?”

“Well, I had a grenade go off between my legs and I lost both testicles.”

“You’re hired. You can start Monday at 10 am.”

The man asked, “When does everyone else start? I don’t want any preferential treatment because of my disability.”

“Everyone else starts at 7 am but I might as well be honest with you. Nothing gets done between 7 and 10. We just sit around scratching our balls trying to decide what to do first.”

Cow Disease

Q: Why can’t men get mad cow disease?

A: Because they’re pigs.

Bubba’s Secret

A bunch of guys are sitting at the local bar. They get pretty drunk, and the topic turns to Bubba at the end of the bar who, as everyone knows, has the biggest dick in town. One of the guys gets enough courage to go up to Bubba and ask him why he’s got the biggest schlong around.
“Well,” says Bubba, “every night before bed, I tug on my dick and tap it on the bedpost three times.”
“That’s it?” asks the drunk.
“Yup,” says Bubba.
So the guy goes home and quietly slips into his bedroom, pulls out his thing, tugs, and taps it on the bedpost three times. Suddenly his wife wakes up and says, “Bubba, is that you?”

Quotes On Sex

“I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.”
* Tom Clancy

“You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.”
* Steve Martin

“Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.”
* Woody Allen

“Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.”
* Rodney Dangerfield

“There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 500SL.”
* Lynn Lavner

“Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist.”
* Matt Barry

“Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.”
* Camille Paglia

“Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant.”
* George Burns

“Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.”
* Sharon Stone

“My girlfriend always laughs during sex ~ no matter what she’s reading.”
* Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)

“I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with “Guess” on it, so I said “Thyroid problem?’”
* Arnold Schwarzenegger

“Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.”
* Tiger Woods

“My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.”
* Jack Nicholson

Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.”
* Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn’t think Barbara had a sense of humor!)

“Ah, yes, Divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.”
* Robin Williams

“Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.”
* Roseanne

“Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.”
* Billy Crystal

“According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.”
* Robert De Niro

“There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what’s the problem?”
* Dustin Hoffman

“There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men think,’I know what I’m doing. Just show me somebody naked.’”
* Jerry Seinfeld

“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.”
* Rod Stewart

“See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.”
* Robin Williams

You know

“You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, France is accusing the US of arrogance and Germany doesn’t want to go to war.”