Joe D. Days
A Yankees fan was enjoying himself at the game in a packed Yankee Stadium, until he noticed an empty seat down in front. He went down and asked the guy next to it if he knew whose seat it was.
The guy said, “Yes, that’s my wife’s seat. We have never missed a game since Joe DiMaggio played, but now my wife is dead.”
The fan offered his sympathy and said it was really too bad that he couldn’t find some relative to enjoy the game with.
“Oh no. I can.” the guy replied. “It’s just that they’re all at the funeral.”
The divorce judge asked little Johnny which parent he wanted to live with. Little Johnny replied, “Not my daddy, he beats me…Not my mommy, either; she beats me, too.” Little Johnny thought for a minute, then exclaimed, “I know! I want to live with the New Orleans Saints! They don’t beat anybody!”
A blonde and a red head were walking along a path in a park. The red head turns to the blonde and says,
“Poor thing look at the dog with one eye.”
The blonde covers one of her eyes and says “Where?”
For a couple years I’ve been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason:
I’m tired because I’m overworked.
The population of this country is 237 million.
104 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And you’re sitting at your computer reading jokes and I am adding jokes to this website!
The Painter & Her Eyesight
There was a world famous painter who, in the prime of her career, started losing her eyesight. Fearful that she might lose her life as a painter, she went to see the best eye surgeon in the world. After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy, her eyesight was restored. The painter was so grateful that she decided to show her gratitude by repainting the doctor’s office. Part of her work included painting a gigantic eye on one wall. When she had finished her work, she held a press conference to unveil her latest work of art: the doctor’s office. During the press conference, one reporter noticed the eye on the wall, and asked the doctor, ”What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly painted office, especially that large eye on the wall?”
”Thank God I’m not a gynecologist.”