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Funny Jokes

The largest collection of jokes.

Control freaks

Three men are at a bar, and two of the men are talking about the control they have over their wives, while the third remains silent.

After a while, the first two men turn to the third and ask, “What about you? What kind of control do you have over your wife?”

The third man turns to the first two and says, “Well, I’ll tell you, just the other day I had her on her knees.”

The first two men were dumbfounded.

“Wow! What happened next?” they asked.

The third man takes a healthy swig of his beer, sighs and mutters, “Then she started screaming, ‘Get out from under the bed and fight like a man!’”

Latest Funny Jokes

DOB

Cop asks suspect questions:
– What is your DOB ?
– What’s DOB, man ?
– Your birthday.
– Oh, that. September 5th.
– What year ?
– Every year, man!

Silly Amy

Teacher: “Amy, what do you call the outside of a tree?”
Student: “No idea miss”
Teacher told angrily: “Bark, Amy”.
Amy: “Bow Wow Wow Miss”

Rules of Bedroom Golf

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play.
2. Play must be permitted by the owner of the hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.
6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is completed. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.
7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to well-formed bunkers.
8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Angry course owners have been known to damage players’ equipment for this reason.
9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.
10. Players should ensure that the match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course.
11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.
12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of alignment with, and approach to the hole. 13. Players are advised to obtain the course owner’s permission before attempting to play the back nine. 14. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner’s request.
15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

Viagra for Gramps

This old man in his eighties got up and was putting on his coat.
His wife said, “Where are you going ?”

He said, “I’m going to the doctor.”

And she said, “Why? Are you sick?”

“No,” he said. “I’m going to get me some of those new Viagra pills.”

So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater and he said, “Where are you going?”

She said, “I’m going to the doctor too.”

He said, “Why?”

She said, “If you’re going to start using that rusty old thing again, I’m going to get a tetanus shot.”

Blonde Goes to School

A girl came skipping home from school one day.

“Mommy, Mommy, she yelled, “We were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10!”

“Very good,” said her mother.

“Is it because I’m blonde?” the girl asked.

“Yes, It’s because your blonde.”

The next day the girl came skipping home from school.

“Mommy, Mommy,” she yelled, “We were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids said up to D, but I said it up to G. See? A,B,C,D,E,F,G!”

“Very good,” said her mother.

“Is it because I’m blonde, Mommy?”

“Yes, It’s because your blonde.”

The next day the girl came skipping home from school.

“Mommy Mommy!” she yelled, “We were in gym class today, and when we were showering, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!”

She lifted up her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

“Very good,” said her embarrassed mother.

“Is it because I’m Blonde, Mommy?”

“No Honey, Its because you’re 24.”