Gardner goes to see his supervisor in the front office.
“Boss,” he says, “we’re doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff.”
“We’re short-handed, Gardner,” the boss replies. “I can’t give you the day off.”
“Thanks boss,” says Gardner, “I knew I could count on you!”
If I Had A Hammer
A man is in court for murder and the judge says, ”You are charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer.”
Then a voice at the back of the court says, ”You bastard.”
The judge continues, ”You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a hammer.”
Again the voice at the back of the court says, ”You bastard.”
The judge says, ”Now, we cannot have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt! What is the problem?”
The man at the back of the court says, ”Fifteen years I lived next door to that bastard and everytime I asked to borrow a hammer he said he never had one!”
Our Four Sons
Four guys went golfing; one went in the clubhouse to pay while the others waited at the first tee. One of the guys says, “I’m so proud of my son. He is a stock broker and he’s made enought that he just gave away a huge portfolio.” The next guy said, “I’m so proud of my son. He’s a car dealer and he’s doing so well, he just gave away a Ferrari.” The third guy says, “I’m so proud of my son. He’s got enough money that he just gave away a million-dollar home.”
Just as the third guy fininshes talking, the fourth guy joins them and asks, “What are you guys talking about?’
“Just about how good our sons are doing,” the three men replied. “Well, my son is doing very well,” says the fourth man, “He’s a male stripper and just last week he got a huge portfolio, a Ferrari and a million-dollar home.”
In Fine Working Order
A Scotsman is on holiday in New York City.
It’s a balmy spring day and he is wearing a kilt.
A young woman comes up to him and boldly asks him if anything is worn beneath the kilt.
“No lassie” he replies, “everything is in fine working order.”
Shopping More Interesting
Get boxes of condoms & randomly put them in peoples’ carts when they aren’t looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at 10 minute intervals.
3. Make a trail of apple juice on the floor to the rest rooms.
4. Walk up to a store employee and tell him/her in an official tone,’I think we have a code 3 in housewares,’ and see what happens.
5. Put a box of Smarties on lay-away.
6. Move ‘CAUTION WET FLOOR’ signs to carpetted areas.
7. Set up a tent in the sports section; tell others you’ll only invite them if they bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. When someone asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask ‘Why won’t you people leave me alone?’
9. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
10. While handling guns in the sports section, ask the clerk if the gun comes with anti depressant prescriptions?
11. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from ‘Mission Impossible’.
12. In the auto department practice your Madonna look using different size funnels.
13. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through say ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!!!!!!
14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the fetal position and scream ‘NO! NO! It’s those voices again’.
15. Go into the fitting room and yell real loud ……’Hey we’re out of toilet paper in here!