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Funny Jokes

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Dating vs Marriage

When you are dating … Farting is never an issue.
When you are married … You make sure there’s nothing flammable near your husband at all times.

When you are dating … He holds your hand in public.
When you are married … He flicks your ear in public.

When you are dating … A Single bed for 2 isn’t THAT bad.
When you are married … A King size bed feels like an army cot.

When you are dating … You are turned on at the sight of him naked.
When you are married … You think to yourself “Was he ALWAYS this hairy??”

When you are dating … He hugs you, when he walks by you for no reason.
When you are married … He grabs your boob any chance he gets.

When you are dating … You picture the two of you together, growing old together.
When you are married … You wonder who will die first.

When you are dating … Just looking at him makes you feel all”mushy.”
When you are married … When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes out.

When you are dating … He knows what the “hamper” is.
When you are married … The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage area.

When you are dating … He understands if you “Aren’t in the mood.”
When you are married … He says “It’s your job.”

When you are dating … He understands that you have “male” friends.
When you are married … He thinks they are all out to steal you away.

When you are dating … He likes to “discuss” things.
When you are married … He develops a “blank” stare.

When you are dating … He calls you by name.
When you are married … He calls you “Hey” and refers to you when speaking to others as “She”.

Latest Funny Jokes

Sign in the restroom

Sign in the restroom, above the urinal:
We know you’re in the rush
But please, don’t forget to flush.

This inspired me to a new verse:
Feel the bliss,
As you piss.
In that peace,
Flush it, please.

A Relative Term

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Squealing Like A Stuck Boyfriend

A young girl and her boyfriend are driving down the road one day. Her boyfriend suggests that they play road games and that whoever loses has to strip. They play every game known to man and the girl loses every time. Soon she is bare naked. The boy takes a long look and runs off the road. They slide into a tree and the boy is trapped in the car. He yells to his girlfriend, “Quick, go get help!”
She says, “I can’t, I’m naked.”

He hands her a shoe to cover with. Desperately she covers her “lower parts” and runs to the road. She flags down a truck driver and yells, “Help me, my boyfriend is stuck.”

The truck driver replies, “Honey, if he’s that far gone, I don’t think we can get him out again!”

$5 Prostitute

Clinton is out jogging around in some of the seedier areas of Washington D.C. He notices a good looking prostitute. She sees this and calls out: “Fifty dollars!” He is tempted, but the price is a little high. So he calls back: “Five!” She is disappointed and turns away and Bill continues his jog.

A few days later, he finds himself jogging in the same area and as luck would have it, the prostitute is still there. But she want not come down on her price. “Fifty!” she shouts and Bill answers her: “Five!” No sale.

About a week later, Hillary has decided that she wants to get into shape so she demands to go jogging with Bill. They get to the seedy part of town and the same prostitute is still there. She eyes Bill and Hillary together and yells: “See what you get for five dollars!”

You know

“You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, France is accusing the US of arrogance and Germany doesn’t want to go to war.”