Funny Jokes
Send a Joke

Funny Jokes

The largest collection of jokes.

DOB

Cop asks suspect questions:
– What is your DOB ?
– What’s DOB, man ?
– Your birthday.
– Oh, that. September 5th.
– What year ?
– Every year, man!

Latest Funny Jokes

A Bunnys Wish

A bear was chasing this bunny around a forest. They ran into a clearing and were running around a certain huge redwood where a genie lived. The genie got so tired of the racket that he finally came out and told the pair that he would grant them 3 wishes a piece if they would just leave him alone. The pair agreed. The bear said he would go first. “I wish…that all the bears in this forest were female.” The genie granted the wish. The bunny just grinned and asked for a helmet. The bear thought that strange but continued. “I wish…that all the bears in this country to be female!” The genie granted the wish. The bunny just grinned again and wished for a motorcycle. He jumped on the bike, put on his helmet and started gunning it. The bear looked at the bunny and said, “You must be the stupidest bunny I ever met!” Then he asked for his last wish. “I wish…that all the bears in this world to be female!” The genie granted the wish. The bunny just grinned and said, “I wish the bear was gay.”

Three Old Ladies

Three old ladies are sitting in a cafe, chatting about various things.
One lady says, “You know, I’m getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn’t remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down.”

The second lady says, “You think that’s bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn’t remember whether I was going to bed or had just woken up!”

The third lady smiles smugly, “Well, my memory’s just as good as it’s always been, knock on wood,” she says as she raps on the table. Then with a startled look on her face, she asks, “Who’s there?”

Woman Mechanic

WIFE: “There’s trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor.”
HUSBAND: “Water in the carburetor? That’s ridiculous.”

WIFE: “I tell you the car has water in the carburetor!”

HUSBAND: “You don’t even know what a carburetor is. I’ll check it out. Where’s the car?”

WIFE: “In the pool.”

The Parrot Joke

Q: What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?

A: A carrot!

Arnold Schwarzenegger Jokes

“In a shocking announcement, Governor Schwarzenegger said he supports changing the constitution to allow people like him to run for president. I’m shocked he would want that. Do you think he can win? Well, you know, it’s interesting, he has Ronald Reagan’s appeal as an actor and George W. Bush’s difficulty with the English language. And, let’s not forget, he’s got a little Clinton in there too, so he could win.” —Jay Leno

“Arnold Schwarzenegger has announced he will refuse his $175,000 salary and will work for free. I believe he will be worth every penny.” —Craig Kilborn

“Arnold Schwarzenegger was sworn in as the Governor of California. He put one hand in the air, the other hand on the Bible, which is a good start — at least we know where his hands are now.” —Jay Leno

“Today was Arnold Schwarzenegger’s inauguration as Governor of California. Arnold was told to ‘Raise your right hand and butcher the English language after me.'” —Craig Kilborn

“There was one tricky moment — to get Arnold to put his hand on the Bible, they stuck it in Paris Hilton’s bra.” —Craig Kilborn

“Arnold Schwarzenegger was sworn in as governor yesterday in the mystical land of the west known as Kali-forn-ia. Celebrities attended the event, including national anthem singer Vanessa Williams. But the moment everyone was waiting for was the swearing in. The Bible used for the swearing in ceremony was 200 years old and belonged to his in-laws, the Kennedys. That may explain why the Leviticus chapter is interspersed with the phone numbers of Rockettes.” —Jon Stewart

“Earlier today in California Arnold Schwarzenegger was sworn in as Governor. After being sworn in, Arnold wasted no time and got right down to groping.” —David Letterman

“Immediately after Arnold was sworn in, Gloria Alred jumped in: “While you have your hand on the Bible, I’d like to ask you a few questions.” —Jay Leno

“More problems for Governor-elect Arnold Schwarzenegger. California Attorney General Bill Locklear has suggested a special toll free number be set up for women to call in allegations about Arnold’s past. I have a better idea — why not make it a 900 number and charge $1.99 a minute. We’ll pay off that $33 billion dollars right there.” —Jay Leno

“As you know Arnold is investigating himself. He will subpoena both of his hands, and if he finds any evidence of wrongdoing he is going to sue himself.” —Jay Leno

“In Washington, Arnold Schwarzenegger met with Vice President Dick Cheney. So, the Terminator met the Defibrillator. The difference between Schwarzenegger and Cheney is that when Cheney grabs a chest, it’s his own.” —Jay Leno

“Governor-elect Arnold Schwarzenegger is in Washington D.C. today. He and Ted Kennedy went to lunch. Your state’s on fire and what do you do? A three-martini lunch with Ted Kennedy.” —David Letterman

“Bush joked last week during his meeting with Schwarzenegger that they are both sometimes accused of misspeaking the language. Mr. President, he’s from a foreign country.” —Jon Stewart

“On Thursday in California, President Bush met privately with Governor-elect Arnold Schwarzenegger. What did the pair talk about? Neither is sure.” —Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live’s “Weekend Update”

“Arnold Schwarzenegger met with President Bush. It’s amazing if you think about it. It was the Terminator and the One-Terminator.” —David Letterman

“Arnold Schwarzenegger will probably be the keynote speaker at the Republican National Convention, which is very smart, because after Schwarzenegger speaks, Bush’s English won’t sound so bad.” —Jay Leno

“Arnold Schwarzenegger announced he is going to ask President Bush for help with the budget. What better way to deal with a $38 billion deficit than get advice from a guy that created a $450 billion deficit.”