Signs You Have a Hangover
1. You’re convinced that chirping birds are Satan’s pets.
2. Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to “stay still.”
3. Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as chugging a glass of fresh paint.
4. You’d rather have a pencil jammed up your nose than be exposed to sunlight.
5. You set aside an entire morning to spend some quality time with your toilet.
6. You replace the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying in a fetal position.
7. The bathroom reminds you of a carnival barker shouting, “Step right up and give it whirl!”
8. All day long your motto is, “Never again.”
9. You could purchase a new bike just by recycling the bottles around your bed.
10. Your natural response to “Good morning,” is “Shut up!”
Where do snowmen go to dance?
Q: Where do snowmen go to dance?
A guy walked into a pro-shop with a gorilla. “Is anyone interested in a little wager?” he said, flashing some large bills around. “I’ve got $500.00 here that says my gorilla can hit the ball longer and straighter than anybody here at this club. In fact, he hits it 500 yards right down the middle . . . every time!”
Everyone in the pro-shop started laughing. After a moment, the newest pro at the club and the longest hitter in the area spoke up, “I gotta see this!” he said. “You know, what? I’ll take you up on that wager! Meet you on the first tee.”
When they reached the 585-yard par-5 first tee the trainer led the gorilla to the tee box, put a driver in his hands, set a tee in the ground. The gorilla did the rest.
Sure enough, he smashed his drive right down the middle and clear out of sight. When the ball finally came to rest it was on the green — 6 inches from the cup.
The pro was astonished. “That’s incredible!” he exclaimed. “How did you train him to hit the ball like that!” There’s no need for me to tee off. I couldn’t beat him with a stick. Here’s your money.”
As the pro walked off the green, still shaking his head, he turned back to the trainer and said, “Oh, by the way, how does he putt?”
The trainer responded,”Just like he drives: 500 yards. Right down the middle. Every time.”
Jerry Seinfeld’s Ponderables…
Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Can fat people go skinny dipping?
Why is the word “abbreviation” so long?
What’s another word for thesaurus?
If a book about failure doesn’t sell, is it a success?
When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Teacher: “Amy, what do you call the outside of a tree?”
Student: “No idea miss”
Teacher told angrily: “Bark, Amy”.
Amy: “Bow Wow Wow Miss”