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Funny Jokes

The largest collection of jokes.

Doggy Style

There were three dogs at a veternarian’s office, all of them looked sad. The first one asked the second, “Why are you here?” The dog replied, “I’m getting put to sleep because I kept peeing on my owners’ new rug.”
The first dog said, “I know how you feel — I’m getting put to sleep because I peed in my owner’s new car.” They both looked at the third dog and said, “Why are you here?” The dog sighed and said, “Well my owner likes to clean in the nude and one day she bent over and I gave her the ride of her life.”

“So you’re getting put to sleep too?” asked the other dogs. “No. I’m getting my nails clipped.”

Latest Funny Jokes

A Drunks Dog

A drunk takes his dog for a walk. After awhile he gets thirsty so he ties his dog to a parking meter in front of a bar and goes in for a couple of beers.
After he has been there for an hour or so the local policeman enters the bar,”Whose dog is tied up out front?”
The drunk responds, “That’s my dog. Is there a problem officer?”
“Well she’s in heat,” says the cop.”
“Oh, she’ll be all right. It’s shady out there.”
“That’s not what I mean. Your dog needs to be bred.”
“I gave her a half of a loaf this morning. She’s fine.”
At this point the policeman is becoming a little upset. “Listen buddy! You don’t seem to understand what I am talking about. That dog wants to mate.”
“Oh, go right ahead officer, I’ve always wanted a police dog.”

Laundry Joke

Man: I’m taking some of my old clothes to the charity shop.
Wife: Well I hope you’ve been to the launderettes, you can’t hand them in all smelly.
Man: Yes, I’ve had them washed and ironed.
Wife: I wasn’t talking about the clothes!

Food Stamp

Your mama’s so stupid she tried to mail a letter with a food stamp.

Business: To Whom

A stockbroker was cold calling about a penny stock and found a taker. “I think this one will really move said the broker, it’s only $1 a share.”

“Buy me 1000 shares.” said the client.

The next day the stock was at $2. The client called the broker and said, “You were right, give me 5000 more shares.”

The next day the client looked in the paper and the stock was at $4.

The client ran to the phone and called the broker, “Get me 10,000 more shares said the client.”

“Great!” said the broker.

The next day the client looked in the paper and the stock was at $9.

Seeing what a great profit he had in just a few days, the client ran to the phone and told the broker, “Sell all my shares!”

The broker said, “To whom? You were the only one buying that stock.”

Success

At age 4, success is………………not peeing in your pants.
At age 12, success is………………having friends.
At age 20, success is………………having sex.
At age 35, success is………………making money.
At age 70, success is………………having sex.
At age 80, success is………………having friends.
At age 90, success is………………not peeing your pants.